Your thoughts please

[Duckinghell80]

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years. Engaged, don’t live together. Both in our late 40’s and have children to ore in marriages.
he stays her 3-5 nights per week ) I can’t stay at his due to lack of space.I provide most of the food during the week. He brings food across Friday night and sat lunch. I do all of the cooking. He helps me with prep and does the dishwasher.
no parenting input (my children’s father isn’t involved) he has a SEND child who is wonderful but held to a very high standard. I don’t have any input with regards to parenting as I feel like he takes this very personally.

we do go on lovely holidays (paid for by him) but it’s to the same destinations and hotels as his prev ex’s and never anywhere I suggest.

I’m on u/c and work part time (I get about 30k a year with 2 children) working 19.5 hours a week.
he has a very successful job (full time)56k and approx 5k car allowance.

no financial contribution to me even though he’s here most of the week.

he says he pays for holidays. I can’t keep up with his lifestyle, we don’t have sex. We get on wonderfully.

I guess I know I’m being reasonable but I need help in digging my feet in and saying I’m not happy. I shouldn’t have to tell him I’m struggling. He knows my circumstances.

we split up very frequent as I feel I need more support and understanding. He comes from a council background like me but just because he’s done better in adult life I think he’s forgotten just how hard it is.

I keep leaving him knowing it’s not right and then I go back to him when I feel sad or lonely.

we have very different values.

I just need to know how to escape the sadness and not go back to him when he worms his way back in when I feel sorry for him as he obliged has his disabled son and one sibling. I go back feeling sorry for him and always cast my feelings and needs aside.

god, I read this and sound pathetic but I just don’t know how to stay away from him and move on.

I don’t go out, I don’t have a large circle of friends, I’m not very sociable.

my mum just says to be strong but I find it so so hard.

I’m sorry to be a moaning Minnie.

we have no plans to get married or move in together despite being engaged. We don’t go out very often or very rarely have fun together. Just often sit and watch tv and go to bed where I listen to him snoring every night and can’t sleep as there’s nowhere I can go as no spare bed.

im pretty sure I’ll sound like I’m drip feeding once more questions are asked and I genuinely don’t want to be that person so I apologise x

Oh, poor you. You already know this half a relationship isn't making you happy - and that should be the only criterion, really. Is it improving your life? No. Does he make you feel appreciated, respected, uplifted as a person? Also no. Is the sex fabulous, then? There is no sex.

You seem to feel that you should be in a relationship, and that this user is the best you can get. You're basically paying, in time, money and effort, for the questionable pleasure of his company. This is NOT the best you can do!

The longer this goes on, the worse your self-worth will get and the more he'll suck out of you. Lean on your mum, she's got the right idea about this one.

You don't have sex? That's one costly friendship op...

Thank you. Just what I expected and needed * just find it so hard when he comes back to me when I’m feeling lonely thinking nobody else will want me at this stage in my life when I’m not very sociable x

I’ve kind of gotten used to it 🫣 I have no sex drive. This is something that’s relatively new to me

Not sociable and don't want sex? ..
Get a dcat.

Much cheaper..
You will be much more appreciated imo.

Hi @Duckinghell80 just read your post, you sound like a very level headed strong woman.
The only way i move on is by remembering all the crap this person brings to the relationship. When he starts making you feel sorry for him remember all those things. I have been through some really crap horrible relationships, i look back now and think i'm so glad i'm out of that relationship as it was emotionally and physically draining.
You can break the cycle, you can do it hun, i know it's hard but you can do it.
You deserve someone better xx

Mate, if you're willing to sacrifice this much for the sake of having a man around some of the time, you could at least find a more enjoyable man to lavish your resources on!

How much would you save by ending it? Enough to pay a sitter & get yourself out a couple of times a week?

Actually that's not a bad idea.
Or a dog. I'm not a doggy person, but I can see how much they adore their humans - and dog walkers are a friendly bunch.

You’re all lovely. Thank you.
I wish I had friends like you. @Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets what is a dcat?! 🫣😂

I have a dog! X

A mn term meaning a dear cat!

Having a ddog is a great way to have a chat on days you feel like one. And a quick smile and stride forth on days you don't!

Haha sorry that went completely over my head. I have a little dog. Unfortunately im
allergic to cats 😞

You’re right… I just need to find a way to motivate myself to get out and chat.
it’s a very small portion of my day walking him.
I get lonely at night and on my days off

Ddogs at much more appreciative anyway! Dcats are entitled gits!
Sharing a pic of ddog would get you instant mn friends op!

Here he is…

Aww 😍 Now he looks worth an effort!

Make a note of all the things about him that you don't care for, and write how they make you feel.

Make a list of these behaviours on a large sheet of paper. Keep it somewhere secure and when you next break up, keep reading it to give you strength to stay away.

Your dog is gorgeous by the way 🐕‍🦺🐾

Awwwwwwwwww

Are there any classes you've fancied doing, @Duckinghell80?

Any groups you'd like to join, from book clubs to ramblers?

Or would you try working a few shifts at your friendly local, something like that?

So he's staying with you in the week without paying anything towards bills, and then as a reward, you get to go on holiday to a place that he's chosen as he used to go to it with his ex?

Yep, that’s exactly how it is

Thank you. I’m such a weak person when I hear from him.
move told him today that’s it and he’s wished me well and said he hopes that I find what I’m looking for and now I feel bad 😔 this is where I end up finding myself going back

I’d like to get back into the gym and running. It’s what I’ve done for years and I stopped in covid, gained loads of weight and lost my motivation and confidence.

This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Pour yourself a drink, get some nice nibbles, and start writing a list, of all the things you'd like to do, or like to change about your life. From small stuff (I'd like to watch more films / go to bed when I want) to big stuff ( I want to retrain / to do a course / to travel to xx one day) and everything inbetween ( I want to get fit / lose weight / get on touch with some old friends / have more confidence).

Then come up with a plan of how you're going to do it. One step at a time. There will be some things you can start changing today. Every time you take a step you'll grow in confidence and feel happier.

And remind yourself which of those things weren't possible with him around.