Long post warning! I'm 41 and have been married to my husband for 3 years, I have a 20 year old daughter firmly previous marriage. He has 2 sounds aged 21 and 14 from his. My daughters Dad emigrated when she was younger and she doesn't really have a relationship with him. My husband has always struggled with my daughter P. She was a bit of a typical teen when we met, messy and grumpy but no trouble and has always been polite and a hard worker both in education and her part time jobs. They never bonded but I accepted that given her age and experience of her own dad being useless she was reluctant to let anyone in aside from me. I get on totally fine with his sons, the youngest strawberry every weekend and we have taken him on holiday.
In The last year or so my husband's perception and ideas around my daughter have become really hard for me to understand and live with. She did a year out before uni and has just finished her first year,and has come home for the summer to work and save before going back in September(she is a 6 hour drive away). He is insistent that she pays rent while she is home for the summer at £200 a month, plus pay for her own food. He does not want her in shared spaces e.g. The lounge and quickly gets into a terrible mood, eye rolling and huffing if she come in to talk to me. I have to pre arrange when she can shower and cook her meals so as not to upset him in case he may want the bathroom or to use the kitchen. Last weekend he refused to attend a wedding because she was invited (it was my best friends wedding who has known her forever!). He constantly goes on about having to share his house and he wished has realised she would still be at home before now. When we met my daughter and I lived in a flat but since then we have moved to a house all together.
My daughter hates him but is extremely good at playing the game and being polite for my same as she knows he will kick off is he perceives her as rude. She gets very upset as feels he is trying to push her out by making life as difficult as possible for her. He absolutely refuses to budge on any of this.
Aside from this he is also a very up and down person. He gets in dark moods frequently about things I do it say, even small things. He was angry with me for catching up with my childhood best friend the other day for the first time I had seen her in 10 years as she lived abroad and came to our town to visit, couldn't understand why I want to "live in the past" and why I didn't invite him, saying he felt I wasn't proud of him and didn't want to show him off to my friend....we literally talked about our horses and dogs and childhood antics for 3 hours I didn't for a minute think he would have wanted to come. He works at home and his very isolated in his work and he literally has 1 frjend where as I am a teacher and also have lots of friends. Income home from work dreading what mood he is going to be in and tip toe around trying not to upset him. We have small periods where we get on great but these are few. He is frustrated with our lack of intimacy but I can't face it when he makes me feel so anxious and puts me in a difficult position as a parent...I just don't know what to do and whether this is something I am being unreasonable about...any thoughts woh!d be hugely welcome as obviously my family and the one friend I have confided in are on my side and love my daughter so are bjased! Thank you in advance x