Does anyone else have a parent like this?

[whydoikeep]

I'm just home from another visit to see my parents, at my mum's invitation (just to emphasise that it was her idea, and she sounded very enthusiastic over text).

She just looked bored and cross when she saw me, barely looked at me, didn't say hello or ask how I was, talked to her dog, told off my dad, snapped at the dog, looked at her phone and listened to a voicemail. Made a mocking comment about me. Talked to herself. My dad said they didn't see me very often and I didn't know what to say.

An hour later back home I am sitting here crying, after a drive home, crying.

I don't know why this still hurts. I'm forty, she's ALWAYS been like this. I have been in this exact spot so many times. My husband hates seeing them because of how she treats me. I'll be here again I know.

The irony is I always fall for it, I think she'll be happy to see me. I can count on the number of times on one hand that I remember her saying she loved me. I can't remember her ever, ever truly looking happy to see me. She knows how to be affectionate though! She does it with her dog! If I could get a tenth of the affection that creature does.

How do you get over a parent who just doesn't seem to like you? Who doesn't give a shit?

Don’t go, stop putting yourself though it she doesn’t care does she

I’m going to tell you about my DD who has left home. I’m so sad now that we have nothing to say to each other, yet we were best pals for so long.
She moved in, very quickly, with her first boyfriend and all the things she used to like/talk about have been dropped, and she’s into what he likes, but I have no interest/knowledge in it.
So I usually talk about things happening in our town, or to people she used to know/go to school with, but she’s not interested. And she brings no conversation either. It’s like she puts a wall up and doesn’t want to be there. It’s so sad.
Can you think of some things to talk about, but nothing that would cause upset such as politics ?
Can you meet her at a cafe, instead of her home, so that the meeting ends when you’ve drunk your drink ?

She sounds narcissist to me, why put yourself through it. It's the cycle of hoped dashed. It won't get better.

If you need to see them (you don't have to) arrange to do something so the conversation is about a place, activity etc. And time limit it.

Drop the rope she holds out to you here. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. You have a choice not to see them or at the very least lower all contact levels. Would you let a friend treat you like this?. No you would not and your mother is no different.

It’s not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way either. Your dad is a weak man who has also failed to protect you from your mother out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

You do not need her approval either, not that she’d ever give this to you anyway.

As a parent, kids will always talk about things we're not interested in. Our job as parents is to stay interested and curious because they are interested and we love them.

I can read from your message that you haven't agreed with her move and her new boyfriend and she'll be able to feel that. Your behaviour is creating the wall not hers.

With regards to the OP, I agree with everyone else. Stop going. She's not being the parent you deserve so she doesn't deserve your company.

Yes my mother! Dead now but hated me right up to the end. I have quite a good relationship with my stepdad, which she hated. If I ever telephoned, she would be in the background saying, "what does SHE want". I stopped talking to her years ago

I used to come home from school and be flared at and ignored was never once asked about my day, have been there as an adult and met at the the door with a glare and ‘oh it’s you’ then sat there and been ignored while they read the Daily mail haven’t been in 2 years they don’t appear to have noticed !

@DustyLee123 I don't mean to sound like one of those arsehole OPs, but really? Your contribution is to whine about your daughter's choice of men and ask if perhaps I'm boring?

I have tried EVERYTHING to be amusing and kind and attentive and loving. Everything. I am always friendly. I ask after her. I pick up on her interests. I bring her gifts.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, logically everything you're saying makes sense and I "know" that. I've had decades of it now including phases of very low, minimal contact. You'd think I'd be used to it. However it's not quite as simple as cutting her off because then I'd never see my dad or brother.

@Justcallmebebes @Shortbread49 thank you so much for posting. It sounds stupid but it's a relief to hear that some people out there "get it". I wish you didn't of course.

My husband was so lovely when I went inside. We're ordering some pizza and then we'll watch a terrible cheesy movie and get drunk.

I came across this on Twitter which I saved to send to a friend who has a mother similar to yours. I'm so sorry she treats you that way.

You’re wrong, I was happy for her to move on. It’s just a shame that she dropped her interests, and friends, to take up his.

I haven’t moaned bout her choice of men, and I didn’t accuse you of being boring. But whatever.

And @DustyLee123 it's sad you can't just be her mum and let her make her own choices and mistakes and be there and love her regardless.

I made many a mistake with boyfriends but my mum never commented, never took it personally, never made it about her (and would definitely never have moaned about me on mumsnet). I wasn't her problem to solve, it wasn't a reflection of her parenting, I was learning about life and what I wanted from a relationship and she respected that and gave me the space to do it and loved on me anyway. As a result we stayed super close and never had any issues.

If she moved out quickly she probably is trying to get away from a mum that loves her only if she meets the conditions her mum sets. Healthy parental love is unconditional.

Next time you’re sucked in, (because we are trained this way by years of ingrained trauma), just keep your bag and keys with you. The first time she makes you feel like you’re not welcome or criticizes you, say “Well, I’m so glad I made the time to visit as you asked. I have people that love me/respect me/make me happy to get back to. Bye Mum.” and go. Straight away. Don’t engage further.

Have you tried meeting up with your parents away from both of your territories.

Try doing something like an NT property or a pub lunch that will be a distraction away from her unkind attitude towards you - making it dog friendly might get you brownie points !
It’s just an idea to try and break this cycle she’s in otherwise how about just seeing your Dad on his own, she might ask why you don’t want to see her and then you can be blunt and tell her. Good luck OP.

Btw, don’t get involved in trying to get your dad to see reason. He has enabled this behaviour all your life, too. He is spineless and goes for the easy way out. If he was “engaged” as you say, he would never have stood for this. Don’t be surprised if you see that one or both of your parents sabotage your relationship with the other. Your mum could even be the scapegoat here:

Listen carefully- you will NEVER receive the validation you need from her.
NEVER
Good news is you don't need it.
You are enough and always have been.
Make that your last visit.
They want to see you - they make all the effort, and make sure your dh is there with you, so to help them out the door if they don't give you total respect.

My mum is like this , on the day I had given birth to my son ( her grandson) She turned up at the hospital and started talking about her role in town twinning.

Adding voice to those saying not to put yourself through it.

Also I like the advice about arranging coffee, somewhere public. She'll have to be more polite then, or just go with your father if that's an option?

Commit to visiting once a year (if you want to) and don’t bother beyond that. My parents have never been remotely interested in me. My dad thinks my birthday is 3 months after my actual month of birth. DM visited DD for the first time when she was almost a year old because “babies are really not that interesting”. They were/are very unhappily married and DM now has dementia.

My dad bitched and moaned about me not bringing DC to visit and when I did he was the miserable arse he usually is so I stopped going. It just seemed pointless. My life is so much the better for it!

If my mum was like this then I would stop going and tell her exactly why. Don't put yourself through it just because she is your mum and gave birth to you.

As I stated before you’re going to have to drop the rope they hold out to you here.

What does either your dad or brother bring to your life though?. Your dad is a bystander here and has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. When your mother moans at him he likely sits there and takes it, He has abjectly failed to protect you from your mother and he would also choose her over you.

Your brother is likely also to be far more favoured here (however the golden child role is not without price either) and he’s not bothered about you either. All these people want is for you to be quiet and continue your assigned role in this dysfunctional family unit.