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Original poster

Emotional affair? Cheating? Or am I paranoid?

29 replies

Buttercups3926 · 22/07/2023 10:59

Hi,

I will try keep this as brief as possible. Been with DH since we were teenagers. We are now early 30's with 2 DC's. I felt he has been distant for a few months, to the point where I broke down last week, cried and told him. He said nothing is wrong, and the day to day is tiring, but that is all. We both work full time, both earn the same money (both on 50k), but obviously when you're trying to work, run a household (cooking/cleaning/washing), and the never ending extra circular activities for the children it does wear us out.

When we were younger (24), he had an affair with a work colleague, eventually came back to me. I forgive him because we were so young, and I know no different. He swore to me nothing like this would happen again, and he has no time for it to happen again in all honesty. He fell asleep last night and I had this urge to check his phone. I couldn't find anything, so I checked his blocked contacts in WhatsApp. Low and behold, there is a number blocked from 3rd July. I've checked the photo and it's a woman (

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttercups3926 · 22/07/2023 11:03

I clicked post before I had finished !!! This woman is around 24-30. I can't tell. I don't know who it is, there is no conversation history. Just shows he blocked her on 2nd July. So I've done some more investigating. She has his number saved in his phone, he doesn't have her number saved. I've been off all day. He said he knows I've been through his phone, and if I've got something to say just say it as he's not going through what we went through when we were younger when I would drag my feet with saying what was wrong. I don't know what to do next.

We are very much financially tied together. Joint bank account, house worth a lot of money. We both came from nothing (financially) and I feel he wouldn't know how to leave.

how can I find out who this is? There may be some innocent explanation. But something is not sitting right with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttercups3926 · 22/07/2023 11:05

To add onto this, he says he knows I've been through his phone and to stop acting off and to tell him what is wrong. He says I know his code so if I've got something to say, just say it and we can move on with the rest of our day. I don't know if I'm the crazy one. Obviously I have issues because he has history.

OP posts:
Ilikejamtarts · 22/07/2023 11:28

Has he said why he knows you have been through his phone?
To me ot seems a bit odd that you have been off with him and he immediately jumps to the conclusion that you have been through his phone. If that's the conclusion he is coming to then he himself must know that the only reason you could be off with him is because there is something On his phone that would put him in the wrong and you've seen it

MNetcurtains · 22/07/2023 11:35

Just ask him.

ImtheFlag · 22/07/2023 11:37

I think you have literally nothing to suggest anything. Like, nothing.

I have blocked people on WA, I occasionally get what are clearly spam/scam requests come through wanting to connect and I blocked them.

I'm curious though, how do you know this blocked contact has his number saved in their phone?

ImtheFlag · 22/07/2023 11:38

Ilikejamtarts · 22/07/2023 11:28

Has he said why he knows you have been through his phone?
To me ot seems a bit odd that you have been off with him and he immediately jumps to the conclusion that you have been through his phone. If that's the conclusion he is coming to then he himself must know that the only reason you could be off with him is because there is something On his phone that would put him in the wrong and you've seen it

OP has probably read a message that was previously unread or has left a tab/window open that wasn't open before.

PissOffJeffrey · 22/07/2023 11:42

On the face of it, the "evidence" you have seems fairly weak. Why would he block someone he was having an affair with?

The more telling thing is that the way he's behaving reminds you of a time several years ago when he cheated.

Specso · 22/07/2023 11:46

I think people do sometimes block a person they’re cheating with while at home as they don’t want to risk any messages popping up. Then they unblock when they leave the house so they can talk to them. Or maybe something was going on and now it’s ended..or maybe it is completely innocent.

Either way, if you don’t trust him you really need to re think things. You could drive yourself crazy for years if you suspect he’s up to something and never get any evidence.

Out of interest how do you know she was blocked on 3rd July? I looked at my blocked list and it doesn’t say the date anyone was blocked.

QueefQueen80s · 22/07/2023 11:52

PissOffJeffrey · 22/07/2023 11:42

On the face of it, the "evidence" you have seems fairly weak. Why would he block someone he was having an affair with?

The more telling thing is that the way he's behaving reminds you of a time several years ago when he cheated.

Because it's usually intimate relations that get blocked due to emotions or parting ways.
Just my experience.. I've never blocked family or friends, just people I've been involved with.

Original poster
Buttercups3926 · 22/07/2023 11:54

I unblocked the number on his phone, saved the number as a contact and went back on whatsappp. It had no messages, just the date he had blocked this number. I saved the number in my phone, checked it on WhatsApp and I couldn't see her "last seen" time as I'm not a contact in her phone, but when I unblocked her on his phone, I could. Like I said, it's a few weeks ago now and maybe I am clutching at straws. It's his behaviour that's making me think something is wrong. I just do not know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttercups3926 · 22/07/2023 11:57

I have no name with this number, I don't even know how he knows this person or if he does, or why she has his number. Im 99.9% certain he isn't cheating as there is just no time. He comes home straight from work and we are together all weekend, and I permanently work from home. But, I don't understand why he has blocked this person on WhatsApp. I haven't checked his phone for a very long time. He doesn't have or do social media.

OP posts:
Specso · 22/07/2023 12:09

How will you feel if you never find out who she is or why she's blocked which is very possible.

It really seems like you don't trust him which is not a criticism, however you feel is valid. The problem with being in a relationship or marriage where you don't fully trust the person is that it really eats away at you and drives you slowly mad with each small incident like this.

Ultimately you need to decide if you can live like that.

Jongleterre · 22/07/2023 12:10

Well if he hasn't been playing around he is now going to be resentful at you looking at his phone and bringing up the past again.

Very difficult situation as you've been scarred for life by his original cheating but it's now your actions that are going to wreck the relationship even though it's perfectly understandable you did what you did.

niceone2 · 22/07/2023 12:23

Maybe if you're not having sex he used a prostitute and has now blocked her number?

Morewineplease10 · 22/07/2023 12:52

Ring the number and ask her.
Is there a photo recognition app?
Can you check his bank statements?

None of these are ideal, but let's face it, he's not going to tell you anything.

Those who will say leave if you don't trust him - I'm afraid it's just not that simple when you have kids. You need evidence.

Whatishappeningtome1 · 22/07/2023 13:37

@Buttercups3926 - I've PM'd you

Original poster
Buttercups3926 · 22/07/2023 13:41

It's 100000% not a prostitute. We have a joint account which we both get paid into. Plus it's not his style. We still have sex once a week, used to be twice but it's dwindled for a while

OP posts:
Yetisrus29 · 22/07/2023 15:35

I've got 14 numbers blocked on my phone, several are from when I did OLD, one is my old boss who wouldn't stop messaging with questions after I left and one is an old colleague who my old boss got to message me after I blocked her.

Just ask him, he knows you've been looking at his phone. Just he honest and say you saw that he had blocked a number. There's probably a perfectly innocent explanation.

ExtraOnions · 22/07/2023 15:49

I have just blocked a number on WhatsApp … someone claiming to be a recruiter, not that I’ve applied for any jobs. A woman, who I do not know. I also have other people blocked for similar reasons.

MayThe4th · 22/07/2023 15:59

I understand that you were hurt before, but if you choose to stay together then you need to move on and IMO don’t have the right to keep throwing the past at someone. If you don’t trust him then leave. The rest is irrelevant.

As an aside, there’s no way of knowing whether someone has your phone number stored in their phone, so you’re clearly inventing a narative here.

And he’s right. If you have something to say then say it. If he hasn’t done anything wrong then you don’t have the right to keep playing guessing games and gaslighting him.

Daisymay2 · 22/07/2023 16:16

Yeah, I've got several numbers blocked on my phone, including a supposed recruiter with a photo, like a pp. I've been retired for 5 years so, definately haven't applied for any jobs. Most people I've blocked are from spam phone calls.
He needs to tell you why he thinks you've been through his phone.
Mind you, the attitude of not going through what happened last time would wind me up- he was the one who had the affair.......

Mabelface · 22/07/2023 16:23

I occasionally have a random added to my WhatsApp, and they immediately get blocked.

I agree with your husband, tell him what's wrong. If you don't, you're going to get nowhere and continue to torture both yourself and him.

GoodNightsSleep · 22/07/2023 16:28

Every time I get a WhatsApp message from an unknown number where I don’t know the source, normally recruiters, I will block their number. I suspect most people do the same. Just seeing a blocked number with no history does not sound suspicious in itself.

Lolo101 · 22/07/2023 16:29

Type her number into facebook and hopefully its registered to her facebook and then you can figure out ❤️

okiedokie1 · 22/07/2023 16:32

Whether or not he has cheated, you do have problems. He cheated before. You feel things are off right now. Regardless of this blocked number, you two have work to do in your relationship