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Relationships

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Original poster

Big change in circumstances!

21 replies

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 09:38

Hey guys. I don’t really know where to start. I’m really stressed about this and don’t really know who to talk to.

End of last year I got engaged to my BF of 3 years, love him loads and so happy with life. We’re both early 20’s btw.

Recently my fiancé just agreed a deal to sell the company he started, won’t say how much for but it’s a lot.

I’m a bit worried about if / how this will change our relationship together. The money side of things is obviously a big factor, so far we have paid most things equally, but I’m not sure how that will work going forward.

Not just that. Will he still want me if he changes how he views life? Will he want someone who is more attractive or from high society??

Also he is now about to finish working and has said he wants to take a break from work for a bit, which I get over covid he worked so hard. I can’t do this, I’m still only a few years into my job and don’t want to stop.

He has mentioned maybe we should consider trying for a baby now we are in a good financial position and he isn’t working. But I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet.

Im obviously really happy for him he really deserves it and am excited about what it means fir our future, but I’m still getting my head around the massive changes it will mean for us.

Don’t know if anyone has any advice or thoughts. Maybe I’m stressing over nothing, but I’ve just been really worried the last week or so since he told me.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2023 09:49

"He has mentioned maybe we should consider trying for a baby now we are in a good financial position and he isn’t working. But I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet".

What is he going to do with his life going forward?. How will he fill his days now his company has been sold?. Taking a break from work for a bit is all well and good but for how long exactly?.

You are wise to be cautious. Do not bring a baby into this relationship because this relationship is in a state of flux and apart from anything else you're not ready for parenthood. It could be argued he is not either. No other big changing decisions should be made until the dust settles some more.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2023 09:51

And if you got engaged last year what has happened to your wedding plans?. Being engaged as you know has no legal bearing at all. He seems to be quite happy to bring a baby into this relationship but there is no mention from him in your post of marriage beforehand.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 22/07/2023 09:54

What jumped out at me is that he won't tell you how much it sold for. It's he going to continue to be secretive about his finances when you're married?

mobear · 22/07/2023 09:57

WarmButteryCrumpets · 22/07/2023 09:54

What jumped out at me is that he won't tell you how much it sold for. It's he going to continue to be secretive about his finances when you're married?

I might have interpreted this wrong but I took it to mean she won’t tell us how much it sold for, rather than that her fiancée won’t tell her how much it sold for.

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 09:57

Hey @AttilaTheMeerkat

Thanks for this reply. It was only recently he sold it so he’s still be pretty busy with sorting all the affairs out with that. He hasn’t actually finished for good with it yet.

With regards to marriage we got engaged at Christmas and haven’t started looking at a wedding yet. We have discussed the wedding as a result and he’s said he is still very excited about that, that is why I didn’t mention in the post sorry. (Thought it was long enough already)

OP posts:

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 09:59

Hey @WarmButteryCrumpets

Sorry if I was unclear. Yes he has told me what he sold for. I didn’t want to disclose any figures on here. I didn’t think it was right. But I do know.

OP posts:

something2say · 22/07/2023 10:07

I get your worries. Things have shifted - just wait and see what happens when they settle down.

I'm re-watching the Wolf of Wall Street and seeing how he married his childhood sweetheart but as he became more and more successful, she was left behind in an old world.

I too would be worried - BUT I would also - make sure I'm living well, doing well. If he is your best mate, this is a trip you'll be taking together. Think of Bruce Springsteen and his wife - she has been part of his journey, the best part he might say, no matter how successful he went on to be. I'd always need to have my OWN thing though. I dated a very successful musician once and it resulted in my writing and publishing my first book, inspired bu the work ethic of him and his friends.

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 10:09

Hey @something2say thank you for this. I do want my own things to do this is why I really want to carry on working in my job.

OP posts:

something2say · 22/07/2023 10:16

Exactly.

There is the possibility he will not know how to handle this change, and become weird or ego driven or just different. I'd let the dust settle, and also verbalise it, just to show you are not stupid.

BUT yes - so what are your plans?

This is all totally usual you know - I'm sure I've read about how changed circumstances within our close relationships can lead to discomfort - and the best way to handle that discomfort is to think, OK, I'd like some of this - what are MY plans, how can I use this successful energy to raise myself on?

I remember going out with that musician at first, and going to a gig and seeing the front man being amazing, and I went out to my car and cried - about my shit life and all the trouble I'd had to work through, and here was this man on the stage doing amazing music and I was barely a beginner etc - it was not a nice feeling, to be so behind and see others doing so well - and I didn't like the feeling so I chose to channel it into bettering myself - that felt a LOT better and here I am, ten years later, arguably a lot more successful myself.

Bananalanacake · 22/07/2023 10:27

My DH has also sold a company he owned with 2 family members for lots of money. Though he is mid 40s and we have 2dc. A condition of selling it is he has to work there for another 5 years, still getting paid. He'd drive me mad sitting round the house all day.

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 10:30

Hey @Bananalanacake

Thanks for this. He says he doesn’t have to stay on after but he just needs to stay for the transition period. Thank you.

OP posts:

MartiniFlan · 22/07/2023 10:39

something2say · 22/07/2023 10:07

I get your worries. Things have shifted - just wait and see what happens when they settle down.

I'm re-watching the Wolf of Wall Street and seeing how he married his childhood sweetheart but as he became more and more successful, she was left behind in an old world.

Not really the moist important point, but I'm not sure Bruce Springsteen is a great example given he famously cheated on his first wife with his current wife, and was already very successful at the time!

YukoandHiro · 22/07/2023 10:44

For me not telling you how much he's selling for (unless it's legally protected due to an IPO or something) is a huge red flag before marriage. What's going on there? Make sure he's not trying to hire assets

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 10:45

Hey @YukoandHiro

Sorry if I was unclear. He has told me what he has sold it for. I didn’t want to say on here as I don’t feel it’s right. But yes I do know what it’s sold for.

OP posts:

something2say · 22/07/2023 10:47

Lol yes, not the best example!

Diminishingreturns99 · 22/07/2023 10:57

I think you are wise to be cautious op. I think it could change your relationship dynamic hugely.

Say if you carry on in your chosen career and choose to earn as usual and then you have a child … is he willing to be a house husband? If not, and say your child is on ft nursery, your dh will be at leisure and you will be balancing work and dc.

You need to really sit down and discuss this with him properly. Tell him you love him and want to marry him but need certain things clear before you can go forward.

And discuss every aspect of it; in particular how he sees his future, whether he will be working or not, how you will manage a work life balance with dc, whether you will have shared bank accounts…whether he will want you to sign a pre-nup, what he will think of you continuing to work, what will you think if he chooses to give up work, and all of that detail. You need to know all of this info before you can make a sound assessment of the situation.

castlesandsand · 22/07/2023 11:03

He has mentioned maybe we should consider trying for a baby now we are in a good financial position and he isn’t working. But I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet.

er no. I would not be considering this. Just get married first, give it 3/4 years to settle in and make sure you have somewhere to live, both working etc and then think about a lifetime commitment. Men can be quite frivolous about having kids etc without really thinking the implications through. As you are both early 20's you do have time on your side.

And until you are married, he is in a good financial position, you maybe less so.

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 11:31

Hey @Diminishingreturns99 & @castlesandsand

Thanks for your comments, very helpful thanks.

OP posts:

parietal · 22/07/2023 11:51

A large windfall of money can strain a relationship in all sorts of ways. You need to be sure you are on the same page as your partner in terms of where and how you want to live and work. Even if your partner doesn't work full time, he might well want to consult or advise to keep his brain working- like being a dragon on dragons den and mentoring businesses etc.

Definitely don't have kids without being married.

Original poster

liveforsaturday · 22/07/2023 12:36

Hey @parietal

I agree I definitely need to have a proper conversation with him. So far I’ve been worried about doing this because I don’t want him to think I’m being negative about this for him.

He will definitely still be doing things, he just wants a bit of a break because of how much he’s done the last few years.

I agree I want to be married before children, I’m sure he’ll be fine with this.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 22/07/2023 20:25

Dh sold his in Danish Kronor, which I don't understand for the life of me!
You are both young, lots of time to have Dc when you're ready. I met DH when we were both 32 and we had our first at 37. We got married after 10 years and 2 DC together. This was before he sold it but when he was about to earn the top end of 6 figures, self employed people save money on tax by being married, we had no engagement, I said let's get married and get a new bathroom with the money we save on tax. What I'm saying is your age is good, no need to rush.

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