Feeling so torn - do I stay or leave?

[Chocolatecoconut]

Feeling so desperate.

Have been married to DH for 22 years. Our relationship has had many ups and downs. He has had a huge amount of counselling, I have had some counselling, and we have both been to marriage counselling twice. I now realise that his ongoing stress and anxiety has been a huge factor in our problems.

He is early 50s and has left his job as he couldn't cope with it any more. He's planning to do the odd bit of contract work here and there and for us to live very frugally.

I work 3 days a week but only earn around £12k per year. I have ADHD and struggled with working full time as well as juggling everything at home, but obviously I know I would need to up my hours if I was a single parent. To be honest i think I would probably have more energy and focus for work if I was out of this relationship.

The things stopping me leaving are the children and finances. I know I would probably get 50% of the house but would have to buy a much smaller house or flat - I feel really guilty how that would affect the DC and their living space. I think they would also feel so sad if DH and I split up and the family unit was broken up.

I think I would have around £250k for a house - would I still be entitled to any benefits, as I would only be earning around £12k per year? Although I would earn more if I worked full time.

Also I worry about how my DH would be - I have mentioned separating a few times and each time he's been angry and come up with loads of reasons why we can't. I just don't know if I have the strength to keep battling him, and let's face it, it could go on for years.

I have cried most days for at least a year. My DH is not a bad man, just anxious, depressed, self absorbed and moody and somehow unable to engage with people. He does nothing in the house or garden and very little life admin. We have totally different goals - he wants to just be at home all day, whereas I am interested in going travelling, going to new places, meeting people etc. I find this living situation unbearable, but don't know if I would be swapping one set of problems for different ones if I left.

Do I just stick it out and try to focus on other things, has anyone done that and it worked?

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar I would really appreciate any thoughts.

Hi, I don't have an answer for you, but just sending you sympathy and empathy. I'm in a fairly similar position. Been with OH for 25 years and two teenage children. He has anxiety and depression and is in his late 50s. He works from home, part-time, and doesn't earn much. Which is part of his problem, I think. I feel like life is 'opening up' for me, after focussing on raising the family etc. I've started a new job with great prospects, which is reasonably well-paid. Our children will be going off to Uni in the next couple of years, and, while I'm sad about that, I feel like that the next decade will be about focussing on me, and my aims and there's lots of opportunities. But my OH's anxiety/depression feels like it's paralysing me. eg I want to move house, or at least invest in our home, and get focussed on pensions/providing for the kids at Uni etc. He won't engage with that process at all. Is terrified of anything 'financial'. I don't feel supported to reach my potential and feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. eg working fulltime, taking on responsibility for big 'life stuff', managing the kids at a complex time (Uni, A levels, teenage angst). On the positive side, he's not moody or bad-tempered with me. Just sad. He's also sociable and up for travelling, doing things - he just gets anxious about money and planning. And he's a great dad - very engaged with the teens and as a foursome we (generally) get on well. These 'positives' make it harder for me to work out what to do - and how to support him. I'm very tired of being in this position, and my patience at feeling 'stuck' is wearing thin. But like you, I wonder about swapping one set of problems for another. I think if I was in your position though, where you say you have cried every day and have totally different goals, I would feel that these may be be 'tipping point'. And that the concerns about housing/finances/children are outweighed by your unhappiness. Can you imagine being with him in 10 years time? In your 50s and 60s? This is the question I ask myself. And haven't got an answer. Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in a fantasy future. I'm sorry I can't advise on your financial situation. I guess this may depend on the age of your children? But instinctively, I think you will find a way....

"The things stopping me leaving are the children and finances".

Neither are a basis to remain with such a man and it could be argued you are staying for your own sake instead because its somehow "easier". We owe our children our truth and I think you've already tried sticking it out. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

One day your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later if this is what they're seeing in their parents marriage. What then for you and your now H?. Another red flag re your H is that he's got angry every time you've mentioned separating. This is also because he has an easy life with you doing all the heavy lifting. He being lazy would then have to put the work in to find another sap of a woman. Stop with merely mentioning separating repeatedly (he does not take you at all seriously because you've done nothing since) and start getting on with this whole process of doing so; present it as a done deal. Ignore all his bluster.

Seek legal advice and get proper information; after all knowledge is power.

Your children pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you two and they know something is amiss here. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. Divorce is not failure OP, living in such unhappiness daily is.

@Chocolatecoconut

You've said it yourself really, haven't you?

To be honest i think I would probably have more energy and focus for work if I was out of this relationship.

In your shoes I'd discreetly

• check www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you are eligible for or
• speak to Citizens Advice
• check your child benefit is being paid to your personal/sole bank account.
• Don't forget you'd be entitled to child maintenance from your children's father
• if you left you could claim 25% rebate on your council tax as sole adult in your new home
• could you work more hours in order to increase your income?
• make a note of all family assets, price of your house in the market, equity in the house, savings/investments for you both, pension pots for you both which you'll need to provide to your family law solicitor for final settlement in your divorce
• get a solicitor. Either get recommendations in confidence from a trusted friend or check on The Law Society website for family law solicitors in your area.

DON'T talk to your husband about any of the above whilst you get your ducks in a row because he may well kick off and also, as mentioned above, knowledge is power. The information will give you strength and focus to proceed to your next steps. Good luck. 🌹