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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

18 replies

GullTQY · 21/07/2023 20:56

Hi...

I am a single mum of 2, and have been in a relationship for nearly 6 years. The relationship has been hard work, mainly because his daughter disapproves and my parents are not sure as he's basically not my ex husband, so no man stands a chance I don't think. We've both taken things slowly, for various reasons and we've built a wonderful relationship, I adore him to the bones.

However, after nearly 6 years together, I feel like we aren't a priority in his life. It's taken a long time to introduce him to my children as they're very young, and now they adore him, I feel like things should have progressed further. I see him once a week at a weekend, he occasionally pops round for a couple of hours to see me and the children together., but this happens maybe once a month. We've enjoyed the odd day out all together, again, this happens once every few months if that. He is very close to his family, and I admire how he will do anything for his grown up children, even his ex wife etc but am I being unreasonable to expect the same for us?
He accuses me of being jealous, but I don't feel that is fair. I have opened up to him, he listens, either argues back or sits in silence, sometimes things might improve for a week,, and then it just goes back to hardly ever seeing him. He does work hard and sometimes long hours, I respect that and understand that, but he will often complain how he's too tired to come round to see me, or whether it's all of us, yet his family or work or friends call and he will run to their aid.

Am I crazy? Am I just jealous?

Its so upsetting and I really feel like I don't know how much more I can let go. I've tried talking to him on numerous occasions but I just feel like he doesn't care.

I don't want to give up, I love him, when we are together it's amazing. But after 6 years surely I should be spending time with him more than once a week..?!

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 21/07/2023 21:02

Have you had conversations about the future- do you see yourselves living together or getting married? Does he see you as a long term prospect?

Hearmeout · 21/07/2023 21:02

I think the reality is that he's comfortable how things are and if you're not then this isn't a match. There are no rules to say how often people should see each other, especially where children are involved.

GoodChat · 21/07/2023 21:03

Hearmeout · 21/07/2023 21:02

I think the reality is that he's comfortable how things are and if you're not then this isn't a match. There are no rules to say how often people should see each other, especially where children are involved.

This is basically it.

Notabigfan · 21/07/2023 21:06

What would you like to change?

Original poster
GullTQY · 21/07/2023 21:07

Cupcakekiller · 21/07/2023 21:02

Have you had conversations about the future- do you see yourselves living together or getting married? Does he see you as a long term prospect?

He is cagey, sometimea he hints about spending our future together, for example... 'you'll be looking after me when I'm older... " or" I can be a kept man".. always in a joke way. If I explain to him how I would like to spent our future together, and I'd like to know if he sees the same I tend to get something along the lines of "we will just have to see what happens" or "you don't know what the future holds"

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 21/07/2023 21:09

He’s keeping you at a distance, OP. Treating you pretty much as a ‘friend with benefits’. It sounds as if he’s very comfortable having a regular sex partner and a bit of cosiness at weekends. No strings, no responsibilities.

If he isn’t prepared to take things further, and you want a proper relationship with a partner, I would tell him you do. But be prepared for him to say No.

Good luck. If he’s not going to let you any further into his life, he’s only wasting your time.

Original poster
GullTQY · 21/07/2023 21:10

Notabigfan · 21/07/2023 21:06

What would you like to change?

I would just like to spend more time with him, alone and with the children. Days out, breaks away, quality time at home. I'm not asking or a ring, a house... Just his time. To feel like we are important. Maybe I'm being selfish. I know I can't force him, I just feel like I'm being unreasonable as he just throws it back at me when I try to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 21/07/2023 21:17

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable as such, I think you just want different things but it's hard if he won't have a proper conversation about it.

Dery · 21/07/2023 21:27

@GullTQY - we’re allowed to be a bit selfish in life. It’s good to recognise what you want from a relationship. There should be some compromise but ultimately a couple’s needs and wants need to be relatively aligned or it just won’t work. This guy doesn’t want what you want. If he did, after 6 years together, he would be trying to see more of you. He makes time for other people but not you. That tells you what you need to know really. He’s a lot higher up your list of priorities than you are on his.

Original poster
GullTQY · 21/07/2023 21:31

Dery · 21/07/2023 21:27

@GullTQY - we’re allowed to be a bit selfish in life. It’s good to recognise what you want from a relationship. There should be some compromise but ultimately a couple’s needs and wants need to be relatively aligned or it just won’t work. This guy doesn’t want what you want. If he did, after 6 years together, he would be trying to see more of you. He makes time for other people but not you. That tells you what you need to know really. He’s a lot higher up your list of priorities than you are on his.

As hard as it is... You've said all that I've feared is the case... Thankyou 😔😥

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2023 21:34

Sorry, op, but I think it's pretty clear that he's not interested in playing happy families. He probably doesn't want to live full time with young children. I can't blame him for that, but he should be honest about it.

Zanatdy · 21/07/2023 22:20

You’re not BU at all to want to spend more than 1 day a week with him after 6yrs. I wonder if he’s worried about doing the whole parenting thing again if his kids are grown up now? Do you have a babysitter if he took you out for a meal? I’d be open with him and say what you’ve said on here, that after 6yrs you’d think you were progressing but things are stale. Is he in this for the long run or not, as no point wasting time if he’s not ever going to move beyond this casual relationship

Seaoftroubles · 21/07/2023 22:47

I don't understand why he can't spend more time with you yet he will happily drop everything for his children and ex wife. How old are his children, does he have them at weekends?
It does sound as though you are not his priority as he seems very happy with the current arrangement and is making no promises for the future. You are right to expect more after 6 years but as others have said the reality is that you are just in a casual FWB relationship and it doesn't look as if he wants to change that.

Dery · 21/07/2023 22:59

”As hard as it is... You've said all that I've feared is the case... Thankyou 😔😥”

Many of us have been where you are, @GullTQY - that’s why we see it for what it is. Go gently on yourself. Heartbreak is tough but you’ll get through this.

LightSpeeds · 21/07/2023 23:08

Sorry to say but you're just a part-time bit of his life. You're not a priority and he doesn't want to give you any 'more'.

It's more than likely that one day you'll be looking back and regretting all the time you've wasted on this bloke.

Jongleterre · 21/07/2023 23:14

I can't see why a man presumably in his forties would want to change the set up he's got with you.

Once you progress into living together your children as lovely as they are become a whole new responsibility for him.

MsGrumpytrousers · 22/07/2023 00:47

Why shouldn't you ask for a ring or a house? Why is your value in this relationship so much lower than his?

I think his refusal even to have a discussion with you is insulting.

I would spend a bit of time fantasising about what your ideal relationship would look like, and then hold this one next to it and see how they compare.

MMmomDD · 22/07/2023 03:33

You are not being unreasonable to want a full time partner who would integrate into your life.
He is not being unreasonable to not want to be in a full time relationship with a partner who has two small kids.

BUT he IS not being honest with you about what he wants and doesn’t want. He is just living a life that suits him and ignoring what you want or need.
This is not a ‘wonderful relationship’ you think you have. He is not in a relationship with ‘you’ plural.

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