Online dating woes…

[CastASpell1]

Just coming on here to vent…

I broke up with my partner of 3 years in March and ventured back onto online dating in April. It’s just been one bad experience after another!

One man who I was seeing for 2 months turned out to be 42 when he told me he was 36… and it turned out he’d been taken to court by his previous girlfriend for harassment… and he did indeed turn out to be completely unhinged. This was a man who seemed perfectly normal and attractive.

Another man (a very professional type) came on very strong and seemed almost over-eager, and now appears to be blowing hot and cold and playing games.

There have been so many other bad experiences. Ironically, the one really nice man that I’ve met through a dating app I wasn’t physically attracted to.

With my ex, it felt so easy - we were both mutually interested, texted each other, spent quality time together, laughed together, and I don’t remember any of this emotional torment.

I’m 24, very slim build, very active, have a lot of interests, a good job, no commitments apart from a dog… I like to think that I’m kind and show interest in other people. I have faults like anyone else but like to think I’m aware of them and try to mitigate them. What’s going wrong? 😩

I think part of the problem is that I’m going for older men ie in their mid-late 30s (it’s just who I’m attracted to), so I might be attracting immature men that cannot conduct relationships with women their own age.

Any advice/commiseration? 😩

Just be single for a bit. Don't force it.

You need boundaries. BIG, HAIRY, UGLY boundaries that you enforce. You need to keep a good eye out for red flags and at the very first sight of one you need to ditch the guy and move on. Here's my list in case it helps:

• I don't approach any guy who; doesn't complete their profile, talks about "no drama", wants kids (I don't want any more), doesn't like dogs, likes football (totally not my thing)
• I only want to message for a week or two before meeting and no more. If I can't schedule a date quickly then the guy hasn't got time for me. I am not interest in a pen-pal.
• I pay half on my dates (it relaxes after a few but generally I prefer to pay my way) and I drive and I have no intention of taking the date on somewhere else afterwards.
• I don't want to sext and the slightest hint of the smutty stuff before we are physically intimate is an instant ditch. I want a guy who is respectful of me and my person.
• I don't fuck on the first date (or the second or probably the third) but I do like to build up to it with a few kisses or some hand holding.
• I don't want to plan all the dates - I like a man who will do his half of the deciding where to go / ring to reserve etc..
• If you are late I will not wait (10 / 15 mins is my total maximum if you let me know you are running late and nothing if you don't).
• I don't do "it's complicated". If you put down all your exes, have a currently complex relationship status etc.. then it's a total no no.
• I don't want to netflix and chill until we have settled into more of a relationship - for the first few dates I want to go out somewhere and I want to get to know you before we do anything even remotely domesticated together.
• I don't want to be the guy's mum, childcare, pet care etc.. I am not lending you money or doing you favors until we are part of a full fledged relationship.

This just gets me through the first few dates. I have a much longer list for later but this should stop you ending up wasting time on the no-nos early on. OLD is about numbers which means you need to learn to winnow out the NOs very quickly. Boundaries!!

I think brushing up on red flags and how to spot abusers will help. Tbh, make it a continual process throughout your life.

Also, note your own feelings and instincts. For example you yourself say the second guy (business man) was 'over eager'. Well, that's a red flag. If it feels like they're rushing things, too full on, over invested ect...all these things are red flags.

Blowing hot and cold? Also a red flag.

You are seeing these things. But you're ignoring them.

Instead if saying 'maybe they've got a good reason for this abnormal behaviour. I just don't know what it is'. Say 'this behaviour is abnormal and I'm not going to hang around and sus out why'.

You don't need to give the benefit of the doubt. If your instincts go 'not happy with that' or even 'im not sure about this' listen to them and run.

Hi @CastASpell1 i totally hear you, dating can be so crap. My advice to you would be don't give up, go with the flow, but don't give up, you will find someone perfect for you.
I think we have to go through the crappy ones to appreciate the right one.
Stay positive hun xx

I'd actually say some time single couldn't harm either. I couldn't imagine just getting out of a 3 year relationship in March and dating again in April. Let alone going straight back to it after your drama with the guy who turned out to be nuts.

Too many people end up in shitty situations because they don't know how to be single. How-to just enjoy their own company. So they leave one bad relationship and end up in another.

I'd Say come off the dating apps. At least for a year. Focus on making friends, reading up on how healthy relationships look and, cliche as it sounds, learning to love yourself so that your boundaries are closer to where they need to be in order to weed out psychos and assholes when you do date again.

A mid-late thirties men dating a 24 year old woman will never reflect well on his character if you think hard about why a man would want to date a much younger woman. At best he would be immature, at worst abusive with a spectrum of negative character traits in between. A big age gap is the first red flag. You'd be better off looking at your own age up to 28 I'd say.

This. Fair enough if older men are your type, but it's a totally different thing when a 38 year old man's type is a 24 year old woman. I'd instantly be dubious of a man in that age group who was actively searching for much younger women. You're in danger of meeting the kind of sleazy late thirties man who thinks a woman in her early thirties is "too old" for him.

There's a power imbalance with such big age gaps, and yes it is different when the older person is a man, because there's the additional power imbalance of sex.

Also, if you're looking to meet a man in his mid to late thirties, you're more likely to wind up involved with someone who's married versus if you're dating a twenty something.

It might be worth being a bit more open to dating someone closer to your age.

@SpringleDingle

Great list.

I would probably go a bit further and insist on speaking on the phone before meeting. You can tell an awful lot about someone in a 5 min chat. They might be eloquent in writing but if they can't hold a comversation it does not bode well for a talk in person. I also looked out for small things like how they treat front of house staff in bars or restaurants, do they just talk about themselves without interest in you, are all their exes 'mad' or 'bunny boilers'. It is quite easy after a short time to really fine tune your radar to avoid the fuckwits and time wasters. Most of the dates I went on were actually quite pleasant, interesting and fun people, even if the chemistry was not quite there and some have gone on to become friends.

I found this quite helpful - concept of the zero date.

Are you one of those people that can't be single?

Sounds like you left a LTR and had to get straight back in to a relationship

Why not just chill out for a bit. 24 and OLD, what's wrong with trying to meet people in real life?

Yup,
That would be my question.🤔

@Summer2424 Thank you — it’s very dispiriting!

And everyone’s right — I do need to work on closing things down as soon as I spot red flags. The problem is that I give people the benefit of the doubt, and with the first guy (harassment guy), his red flags only came out after two months, by which point I was somewhat invested.

@PureLife89

I am happy being single, and would prefer to be single than unhappily in a relationship. I’m also an introvert so like spending time by myself anyway.

The problem is (1) I like sex and don’t really want to engage in anything casual, (2) I have no one to go on holiday with, because all my friends go on holiday with their partners, and don’t have money to spare to go on another with me, (3) I live by myself so it gets lonely not having anyone to spend the evenings/weekends with.

I am looking to maybe go abroad by myself though, and I’m going to re-take up some hobbies that I’ve neglected. But life is better with someone that you love…

@PureLife89

I don’t know where I’d meet anyone! I like the guys I interact with at work, but they’re either taken/I’m not interested in them in that way/they’re not interested in me. Outside work, my friends are girls and my hobbies are girl-centric.

I have thought about joining a walking club or something, but realistically I’m not going to have as big a pool of men to choose from as on a dating app.

Would you go on holiday by yourself?

@IslaSkywalker I would definitely in this country — because I can take my dog with me. I do feel like going abroad by myself might be a bit lonely.

Perspective from a guy, I think you're probably having trouble because you're looking at that age band as that's what you are attracted to but the fallout from that to me would be most guys would get an ego boost from that age gap.

So maybe not necessarily a case of immature men incapable of women their own age but more a case of they have the chance of being with someone in their twenties again, I would say. To which you may well get lies about age, their past or current situation where they could still be married or something and end up getting messed around.

I get what it's like being introverted and general ways of meeting people just doesn't work well but be careful. That pool is bigger online and there may be good ones but also a lot of wronguns too.

Know it doesn't help with loneliness but you're young don't rush, take things slow and get a sense of them first before diving in. Anyone worth their salt would do the same and be willing to go slow. If they aren't that's a sign.

Sounds like you just need a bit of time on your own. I like sex but I couldn’t face going OLD a few weeks after a relationship ends. Most OLD experiences aren’t great, join some clubs, widen your social circle and stop looking for a bit.

I think part of the problem is that I’m going for older men ie in their mid-late 30s (it’s just who I’m attracted to), so I might be attracting immature men that cannot conduct relationships with women their own age

I don't think it's the only issue, but it's an added complexity. I would caution you for the following reasons -

1. If you go for men in their mid-30s, you are more likely to encounter a man who might say all the right things, but has chosen you specifically for your age, thinking he can string you along for years without marriage, financial commitments or babies in sight. They're not always obvious either - they might have good stable jobs and their own place. They are no neccessarily the cut-out Peter Pan, always freelancing, always partying with housemates, always between jobs types.

You will see incredibly sad stories of thing happening here on Mumsnet. They meet an older man in their mid 20s, just like you, and then he keeps delaying. There's always a reason why he won't get married or have kids, and then finally, when the woman is about 34, either she leaves him, realising he'll never change, and is then left trying to find someone else quickly in time to have children (which she might not manage in time). Or, he leaves her, and the fucker finds a new much younger girlfriend , and is settled with a baby on the way within a year.

2. You're more likely to encounter a man who wants someone they have the upper-hand on.

3. You're more likely to encounter a man who wants you mainly for your youth.......and then will discard you when you dare to age.

I couldn't imagine dating someone who was 30 at 24 tbh. Let alone older.

Just to check (not saying everyone isn't entitled to preferences but) do you have any father issues? Eg: your dad left when you were young. Or he is a mysoginist/treated you or your mum badly. Or you've just always found yourself desperately seeking his approval but falling short of it somehow. Maybe because a brother or sister is prefered over you.

Of course it's cliche that women who look to date much older men have daddy issues. And are looking for a father figure for approval or love they never got from him. But often clichés have a basis in common behaviour patterns.

And if it is that...you'd maybe subconsciously choose men like your father. And so the cycle of not feeling loved or validated would repeat itself.

Ooooo I need some couching from these posters. I struggle a lot with trusting my gut and being firm on my boundaries. I get heady and carried away and then like said above excuse behaviours or red flags.

@SpringleDingle LOVING that list !!!