An ex who is still very involved

[Wouldyouguess]

I will start by saying I am not a party in this, but I am a friend of the lady in the relationship, so maybe Im biased and wanted to hear opinions.

Friend has been going out with a guy for a few months and things seemed to be progressing well.

He recently introduced her to some friends, including an ex. It became very clear from the get go the ex and him are very, very involved in each other lives. They have been together for a while, she keeps on mentioning stuff obviously that they went through (along the lines 'Remember when this happened or this film we saw'), stuff my friend would not know about him as they have not been together that long, touches his shoulder, maybe not in a sexy way, but nevertheless.

Friend felt a bit put off, as her impression was that the ex likes to show that her boyfriend is still her 'territory'.

She had a chat with him, and he said he had been in a relationship with the ex for 5 years and that they were still close and they had been very close friends for a while and he didn't see the behavious inappropriate. He did speak to his ex, who seemed to have suggested my friend is just a bit jealous and laughed it off. They met in a group of friends again and the ex came to my friend to say "You gotta udnerstand we are just really good friends and we will forever be very close". Her impression was that it was to say "He will pick me over you".

My friend does not want BF to cut the ex from his life, but is very uncomfortable with how close they are. I'm on a fence with what to adivse her, as I know I would be uncomfortable too, but also, I would not want to look controlling and dictating what a bf should do with his life. She is heartbroken s had very high hopes for this being the one, but now feels like a 3rd wheel in her own relationship.

How long have they been broken up?
5 years is a long relationship, especially if they are young. Is it fairly recent or are we talking a decade having passed since they were in a relationship?

I don’t think there is an issue being friends with an ex but clearly there are times when people continue a relationship that is actually more than friends. The subtle comments and touches suggest this is not simply a case of 2 mates who happened to have been in a relationship previously.

personally I think if I were her I’d be direct and honest with her BF about how she feels. Is he reciprocating the touches and initiating conversation about olds times? Or is it his ex?

I've had this issue but in my case it's an ex wife, when I made my feelings clear about the dynamic that made me uncomfortable he took steps to change things to put me at ease.

I think it has been a while since they broke up, and friend has been seeing the gy for 5-6 months- it's not a 10 year gap, more like 2 years, he has been single for a bit before he met my friend, but obviously been in touch with the ex frequently as friends.

I dont think she is touching him in a sexual way, but more like, a habit? I have not seen it, just judging by what friend said, it's a bit like they have been doing it for a long time and she is used to.

It did not seem the bf is reciprocating, he's just passively receiving. But also because they had been very good friends, I think it sort of blurred the lines. He is a really nice friendly guy which I think makes it harder for him to establish firmer boundaries, as he wants everyone to get along.

I could have written this. I am the friend whose boyfriend has an ex as best friend. Place marking to read the advice!

I think it's a bit of a red flag. I'm all for continuing friendships after a split but I don't think the boundaries are very clear here. I think the two exes shouldn't see each other at all for a while to put some clear water between them and allow each to move on. Then perhaps resume the friendship later at a lower intensity. Otherwise I think your friend should think twice about the relationship.

A tough one. I don't think your friend can go in all guns blazing demanding that he stops seeing her. However it's hardly the basis of a happy relationship, I would be very annoyed to continually hear past stories and memories brought up around me. It's boring and rude.

If I were your friend I would limit contact with this woman so if he suggests going out with her as part of a group then just say no thanks not tonight. See what he does and who he picks.

I wonder if he'd be quite so relaxed if it were the woman who was still so close to her ex? I get the need for civility and communication when there are kids involved but there's no way I'd want to socialise with any of my ex's even the ones I think are ok.

My DH has a close friendship with an ex tbh it doesn't bother me and I agree it does sound like your friend is jealous! If they wanted to be together still then they would be.
Yes they had a relationship but it clearly didn't work out and they have been friends a long time before and after. As their relationship grows she will probably find he spends more time with your friend naturally.

I think this comes down to how secure your friend is in herself, asking partners especially less then 2 years to cut off friendships or change them to me is a sure sign of insecurity.

In your case, does your husband an ex bring up stuff they did on the past and touch each other too?
I think this is not the case of just them being friends, it's the fact that they are still more intimate than a regular friendship and are very open about it.
I never parted ways with any ex on bad terms but if we ever saw each other, I would not dream to touch them or bring up 'oh you remember when...' repeatedly, especially in front of their new partner. Unless maybe if I wanted them back.

I also think it's hard for her to be secure.
The ex is extremely confident, very sporty, outgoing. My friend is more on a shy side. She didn't struggle with confidence, until now. The relationship with ex clearly didnt work, but you know, some people are not good together but not good apart. Maybe they are still attracted to each other but for some reason don't want to be together, or can't.
I did wonder, whether the ex who is not in a relationship just is not marking territory, as if saying she was there first- I knew women who did that even despite being in relationships themselves. I didnt tell that to the friend as I don't want to project my experiences onto a different situation that maybe has nothing to do.

He does not expect him to break contact, but is bothered how close they are and that he does not really see anything wrong with it. He is sort of happy go lucky and thinks there are no intentions behind the ex's behaviour, but friend did notice his friends exchanging looks at times at points in the conversation.

She said she tried to present this point of view that if she had an ex who would be flirty with her, would her BF be happy, his response seemed to be that in a line that nothing is going on.

I asked friend if she would go out less with the groups as you suggested, but she almost feels like if she's not there something would be going on she needs to know of, whcih made me thin she is not really in a good place in this relationship as she is working herself up a lot about stuff that could potentially happen.

If having a conversation about something then yep be it getting stuck in Venice or a trip somewhere! I don't know what you mean about touching? My DH will give her a hello and goodbye hug.
It sounds like your friend feels threatened and maybe it's simply a case of asking him to reign back a bit or be more attentive to her when out etc. It's up to her how she proceeds if she feels like he might be the one then I don't understand throwing something away because she is shy she needs to find her own voice in all this.

@Scottishskifun I meant not just hugs for hello or bye, but if they sit together ex will often touch his shoulder or nudge him, and it's not just one or two mentions of something they did but, let's say, they will order food and she will say "Oh I know you like that" or "These were always your favourites", like there is the constant underlining of that bond they shared. I think it would take an incredible amounf of confidence NOT to be question the relationship, especially if my friend does not know many of the things the ex mentions after him and the ex sharing a flat (and bed) for 5 years, so I would not be quick to dismiss how she feels as just insecurity.
I dont know her ex enough neither I have seen what is going on to tell if she is exaggerating or whether the ex is just a b who can't let her ex find a new love, or maybe the guy is a player,or whether he is a clueless man who just wants everyone to get along.
Was just curious to what extent such a bond is considered acceptable by people and when does it become toxic to people involved.

If your friend was confident in her relationship she wouldn’t feel as uncomfortable with his ex’s behaviour especially if he’s not reciprocating to the same extent. If he’s aware of how uncomfortable the ex is making your friend and doesn’t seek to reassure or ask the friend to tone it down the she has a boyfriend problem rather than an ex problem.

The ex sounds a bit pathetic and needy and perhaps your friend ought to take solace in being the ones he with right now - in the end the boyfriend will choose one or other and neither woman can really influence which it will be without looking pathetic.

Perhaps when the ex mentions things that he likes she should thank her saying it’s good to know. Perhaps jokingly ask for more insider information on him.
It does sound as if she is trying to prove a point and it does seem as if he quite likes the attention.

There definitely is a bf problem- he wants to please them both and everyone to be friends, but neither of the women have any interest in being close friends with each other. My friend would not mind hanging ex, but ex set it up like a competition and the bf does not or pretends not to see it. Time will tell if anything will come out of it.

I've had incredibly close best boy friends. Bed sharing close. Everything but sex. But when I've had serious relationships all that stopped because it felt wrong.

I'd not pin my hopes on this one to be honest.

How old are they?

I was with my ex for 20 years and we split 6 years ago, I see him a couple of times a week (I live near the shops and he pops in when passing), and we message at least every other day - just about random stuff - news or TV etc. There is no touching or hugging etc ever. Not even 'x's at the end of a message. He is in a long term relationship, I am single. It sounds like his ex is trying to 'mark her territory'. I would never do this as I have no romantic feelings for my ex (and vice versa) - perhaps she still does though?

My DH's ex can be like this. We don't see her often, but whenever we do, she will make a point of mentioning something he especially likes, or doesn't like, or when they were last in a place like this. Very loudly and so that everyone around will know they were once an item.

It's all very odd, as they haven't been an item for about 20 years (he and I have been together longer than they were).

This doesn't help I know, as in your friend's case, she sees the ex much more often, and the ex and her bf are clearly still friends. I'd find it disloyal that the bf ran off to tell the ex that your friend wasn't happy. And he doesn't understand (or want to understand) why this might be uncomfortable for your friend. It could be that the ex gf still likes him, it could be that she's like my DH's ex and just likes it to be known she got their first. It's how the bf reacts that affects your friend. If he isn't understanding or respectful of that, perhaps they aren't compatible.

There's no right or wrong. The question is, how much is she comfortable with? Some people wouldn't want an ex hanging around at all. Some people don't mind if their partner is very close to an ex or exes.

If she's told him she's not happy, and his attempts at reassurance aren't reassuring her, then, unless she wants to put up with ongoing discomfort at the level she has it, she needs to leave the relationship. It's only been a few months. It's pretty early for an 'I thought he was the one, but...' issue to come up.

I'd be off, if I was her. Not because he's doing anything wrong, but because she doesn't like it and can't accept it. This is who she is.

It does feel wrong for my friend, and I think she has started thinking of an exit plan. The bf is super lovely,we met the other day together with our group of friends and he is really nice, but sadly it seems he is incapable of setting up boundaries, he wants to please everyone, and get my friend on board with being friends with ex but I think she is just fed up now. She is actually usually quite confident, but the confidence is melting now and she does not like how the situation makes her feel.

For the person who said he breached trust talking to the ex, I think he initially only mentioned that they need to be less friendly, and she dismissed it, but then they must have spoken about it again being so close and it started growing into her making my friend unreasonable/overbearing, which she also does not like.

I've been in your friends situation and it's soul destroying.

Why are they in the same company? Is it just a common group of friends?

Or does he still meet the ex frequently socially? Or be in regular contact by text? In my case the guy I was seeing was in text contact daily and they met socially for dinner, walks etc. He also wasn't open with her about dating me. These were definitely red flags.

I would have been less worried about just being part of the same social group although her behaviour would annoy me.

I don't entertain any man that speaks to exes unless they have children together

I wouldn't get involved myself because he's made his pitch...this is how it is and your discomfort is for you to deal with. There's no compromise in there. Then going back to tell her your friends private worries and consider her opinion on it? That would be a deal breaker for me.

So, if you had an amicable break up with someone and decided that although you got on, a relationship wasn't right for you, you'd expect him to cut you out of his life if he met a new partner? Why? How is that healthy relational behaviour?

I think he genuinely cares about my friend, but he is also very commited to his friends, in general, and this friendship wit han ex is particularly deep. From ex's side, she makes it seem like my friend drags him away from mates (whom she considers herself one of) and I think it sips into how his other friends see my friend. Which makes her insecurity grow. She does not want to separate him from the friends, but as their are progressing, would like less ex time. I am not sure why it took for them so long to meet, as she met some of the other friends before?

Ultimately, I am not sure he either sees his relationship with friend as serious enough to put his foot down, or maybe he is happy to be in a sort of forever serious but not-too-serious relationship, so hanging around pubs and doing sports and generally having fun takes a front seat.

We're all mid 30's btw, but most his friends are either single, or their gfs belong to the group and they hang out a lot together. Didnt say before, but he works in a general entertainment industry, which I think contributes to the living is fun attitude?

Yes, they're incompatible. He's not wrong. Neither is she. Neither is the ex. This is just something about him that she doesn't like, and it sounds like she dislikes it enough that it will break the deal. That's her prerogative, and she needs to do what she needs to do to be happy.