One side of the coin is that I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for two years. He's kind, caring, thoughtful, compassionate, supportive and accepting. He tells me that he loves me every day. He both compliments and complements me. I trust that he wouldn't cheat on me. We've been talking of moving in together. He has brought up sharing finances equally and fairly and he shares household chores equally. If anything, he does more because his work hours allow for it. My garden has never looked so good. He drove me to a works do the other week and picked me up afterwards and deep cleaned the kitchen while I was out. I love him and I fancy him and I'm proud to be seen out with him.
The other side of the coin is that I don't feel good enough. I don't feel attractive. I think he is settling for me. I just don't see how he could want me. It doesn't matter what he says, the voice in my head (and which stays in my head) tells me he doesn't find me attractive and isn't attracted to me, is bored by my conversation and embarrassed to be seen with me.
I'm a primary school teacher. I've had a difficult year at school. My colleagues and management have been great but it's been a very challenging cohort and I've been drained, emotionally and mentally exhausted, shouted at, insulted and verbally abused daily along with dealing with the impact of being physically assaulted several times. He's been great through it all - listened to me moan, done the housework when my ribs hurt, had my dinner on the table when I've got in and don't have the capacity to even speak in sentences anymore.
But I feel that's all I am and that's all I have to offer.
I don't possess any of the qualities men find attractive. Eg, I'm not young, I'm not slim, I don't have large breasts, I'm not pretty. I'm not sexy. I'm not very good at prioritising other people's needs above own. I'm naturally a bit lazy...
My previous boyfriend once compared me to a mutual friend of mine and my current boyfriend's saying that, if I tried, I could look as good as her - i know what he meant. I mentioned this in a conversation with my boyfriend once when we were having a lighthearted chat about what went wrong in previous relationships. His reply was "Well, she is sexy but..." I can't remember what came next. It was a pretty throwaway comment. I know it was a compliment to me without detracting from her in any way but that is all I remember now. She is sexy. I'm not.
She and I couldn't be more different physically or personality wise. I mean, I like her and we get on really well but we're very chalk and cheese! We don't see her and her husband often but, when we do, I 'downplay' myself because there's no point in me trying to look attractive when she's apparently already got all bases covered 🤷🏻♀️ it just makes the disparity between us more obvious.
It's the last day of term today and I promised myself a few weeks ago that I'd take the 6 weeks holiday to work on myself, think about what was right for me, process my thoughts and feelings properly - I just haven't had the capacity to do it this year. I've been at the bottom of my own pile.
I've woken up with a bit of mental breathing room today with thebsummer looming and I'm feeling really conflicted.
I know that I would encounter this problem whoever I was in a relationship with. So, if I end it with him, that's it for me and I'm actually OK with the thought of that. I don't want to break up with him as a person. He's done nothing wrong and he's wonderful in many ways But I can't cope with feeling this way any longer.
Never feeling quite good enough or that I'm getting things right at work is something I can cope with (because, deep down, I know I'm good enough and getting things mostly right even when it doesn't feel like it) but in my personal life - well, I just don't need the added headache and, deep down, I don't feel like I've got this at all.