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Original poster

Was I groomed?

38 replies

Krazyk30 · 20/07/2023 16:54

I'm currently going through some counselling for anxiety and other issues over the last few months and it's brought up a lot of memories that I'm trying to work through. One of them is about a relationship I was in with an older man. My partner knows and thinks I was groomed but I'm unsure what I think about it so thought I would ask for opinions here. So my best friend when I was younger had an uncle who lived with her nan, and we used to stay over at her nans quite a lot from like 12 years old onwards. Her uncle (10 years older than me) in my eyes was so cool and I really fancied him, and he would always buy us alcohol and we would sit in his bedroom and drink with him at weekends etc over the years. He would often say to my friend that he would sleep with one of her friends one day and he would tell us about his sex life (he was always partying), that's just the way he was. So I knew him very well for a few years, and fast forward to 16, he would give me and one of my other friends drugs when his niece wasn't in his bedroom and we carried on drinking together and he helped me out in some situations i got in also. I then got kicked out as i had a bad relationship with my mum as a teen, and stayed with my friend for a week, then he told me to move to his house (my friends nans) as we were secretly seeing each other which I did. This lead to a 5 year extremely abusive relationship where I suffered lots of trauma from him. But my question is was this grooming? As nothing sexual happened before 16 and also when we did first have sex, I wanted too, I had fancied him for years so I wasn't forced? I'm so confused with it all.

OP posts:
Ilikejamtarts · 20/07/2023 17:05

I got to the bit where you said he would give you drink and sit in his room drinking with him. Could already predict what was coming next. Yes I would say you was groomed.

Look at all the kids taking part in County lines. They are classed as groomed and I agree. Do you agree??? Most of them kids wants to do it, that doesn't mean they aren't groomed though. You may have wanted sex with him but you were groomed and conditioned to believe that is what you wanted from a young age and as a vulnerable child as well.

He may have waited til the legal age but he was likely getting something out of your existence before the legal age. Did he ever touch you sexually before 16, or try to touch or have sex with you? You slept in the same house as him. Could he have taken photos of you while you were sleeping? Is it possible something happened when he had plighed you with alcohol as a child but you wouldn't be able to remember it? He sounds like a predator and I think your partner is right.
I'm sorry you went through this and had such a difficult childhood. It sounds like you have a partner now who cares about you and has your best interests at heart, I'd trust what he is saying.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/07/2023 17:14

Do you have any young female relatives?

If someone much older gave them drugs and alcohol, then had sec with them, what would you think?

Did he introduce you to things? Alcohol, smoking, drugs, sex?

It's really clear to me that he groomed you. Sorry.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/07/2023 17:17

To put it in perspective, when I was 12 I remember hanging around some cool older kids. I would have willingly done anything for one of them to notice me.

He was very sweet, but he and his mates basically told us (fairly politely) to get lost so they could do glue and other older teen stuff!

That's what an older person is supposed to do, not let you join in.

Ohjustboreoff · 20/07/2023 17:21

Yes he groomed you. Why would a 22 year old want to hang out with a 12 year old?
Why would someone want to buy and share alcohol and drugs with someone underage?
Yes you were groomed into seeing him as this amazing man who treated you like an adult.
The reason why your relationship was abusive is because he could never have a healthy relationship with someone his own age, they would have binned him off for the crap he pulled.
I'm sorry but yes you were groomed.

pikkumyy77 · 20/07/2023 17:29

Grooming is the prelude to the criminal act—whether sexual abuse, drug trafficking, or even something that is technically legal but inappropriate like “consensual” sex with a person who is of age but not really able to wisely make the decision to engage in sex or drug taking. The whole time this creepy older man was flattering you, sharing alcohol with you, etc…was grooming you.

Mary7241 · 20/07/2023 17:34

I’m so sorry but yes. His Dark Vanessa is a hard but important fictional read about very similar - part of grooming is that the children involved (and you were) are made to feel
special, and that they wanted everything that came after. Grooming is manipulation.

RB68 · 20/07/2023 17:37

Absolutely was, and his behaviour also likely fed the fall out with your own parents and definitely led to the creation of a relationship which was abusive. so Yes Yes Yes and Yes. Likely not what you wanted to hear but this is how alot of abusers find their victims and create victims by feeding situations

Original poster
Krazyk30 · 20/07/2023 20:23

Thanks for all the responses! Not going to lie I was expecting a mixture of answers if I'm honest so surprised to see how clear it must seem to everyone else. My partner has a daughter of a similar age now that I was then, and it's really been churning me inside thinking if that was her then of course i would agree also, I think it's hard to see and admit that it could actually be true when it's about yourself. And also I do feel like I was to blame, as I wanted it and willing went into that situation. I don't remember anything happening sexually before 16 no, but yeh I was drunk whilst there a lot. The abuse started near on straight away really, he was physically and mentally abusive, and pretty sadistic to be honest. Used to take me to parties with his mates, spike my drink and tell me after I'd drank it, so I'd have to go to bed in some ones house because I'd get really ill off it continually, got me hooked on cocaine, used to lock me in the house and physically restrain me on the bed so I couldn't leave, punched and headbutted me, the list goes on. I've no doubt that it was incredibly abusive and it affects me now which is why I'm doing counselling finally, it was just the before we got to together part I've been feeling unsure about. Thanks for all your responses, it's been very helpful x

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 20/07/2023 20:36

Bless you @Krazyk30

Part of the grooming is to make you feel responsible for it. You were so young. He was so manipulative.

You know how appalling his later behaviour was, well his earlier behaviour was equally appalling.

It's hard to look back on it. My DM blamed me for a situation I found myself in when I was 15/16 and he was a married 35ish year old with kids.

We were children. They were adults.

Also, your parents should have protected you better.

The person least responsible for what happened is you.

Original poster
Krazyk30 · 20/07/2023 21:10

To be honest my mum was pretty similar, whenever he's mentioned now or my teen years, even though she hates him she also says how bad I was and that I was a nightmare, and I think to myself inside do you think I chose that life and why didn't you get me the hell out of there? But that's another story I guess. I'm sorry @pickledandpuzzled that you went through something similar. I hope you've managed to heal from it. I agree we were children and I think it's only as an adult you actually can look back and see it though different eyes x

OP posts:
Original poster
Krazyk30 · 21/07/2023 18:36

Just wanted to say thanks to all the replies and for putting things into perspective. Iv been thinking about it nonstop the last 24 hours and iv had lots of other memories creeping in about things that went on during those earlier years, which I thought were innocent and fun at the time but having it come back to me now, I can see how it looks

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2023 18:39

I'm sorry: it was definitely grooming. But you starting to recognise that is a massive step forward in processing what happened to you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/07/2023 18:44

It is so clear that he was grooming you. It's really frightening to think of what he had planned for you. Don't think bad things about yourself as a young girl. I'm sure my mum would say that I was trouble, but actually my family was very very dysfunctional. Basically we were either trouble or almost dead silent and withdrawn.

I wonder whether it would be worth talking to the police about this man?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 21/07/2023 18:44

Yes. He got you to spend time with him (from childhood) by plying you with drink and drugs and secrets. He made you feel special when he shouldn't have been interested in you. He made you feel safe, interesting. Then he saw you in a vulnerable place... pounced and subsequently abused you when he'd trapped you.

He absolutely groomed you.

Original poster
Krazyk30 · 21/07/2023 18:48

@nocoolnamesleft I do think I had a part to play in it, I used to go round as much as I could because I loved to be around him, but he definitely took advantage of the situation and at his age I agree he should have known better. We used to play the nervous game and spin the bottle, I don't even know how I could have forgotten things like that, I guess it seemed normal at the time

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2023 18:49

He was 10 years older than you. This all started when he was definitely an adult, and you were definitely a child. This is on him. Not you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/07/2023 18:54

You know it doesn't matter what you did. You were a little girl. He was a man, a very very predatory man.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/07/2023 18:55

Have you ever seen the drama called three girls? I think you would find that useful to watch.

Original poster
Krazyk30 · 21/07/2023 18:57

@determinedtomakethiswork I don't think that's something I would ever want to do, I'm 33 now, and to be honest I don't think I would ever have the guts to face him. He's had girlfriends in the past go to the police about domestic violence, one of them had her head smashed off concrete and nothing ever went much further, he told them (and me) she was abusive and he snapped in retaliation. I also don't want to be looking over my shoulder for ever more I'd rather just forget about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Krazyk30 · 21/07/2023 18:58

@determinedtomakethiswork no I haven't seen that, I will watch it thank you x

OP posts:
thatsnotmylifeitstoocrazy · 21/07/2023 19:02

Yes!!!! Thats the thing with grooming, you don't realise

Lwrenagain · 21/07/2023 19:31

Yes my friend, you were absolutely 100% groomed. The reason nothing sexual happened prior to you being 16 was purely calculated on his part, as it legally wouldn't have been classed as rape.

Girls with poor relationships with their parents are so easy to manipulate, even when they're women and "old enough to no better", they've often never learnt better so don't know how much shit they're tolerating.

You were groomed, let's just hope he fucks off the face of the planet and never gets the chance to hurt anyone again.

I'm sorry you experienced this x

Spidey66 · 21/07/2023 19:39

I think your husband is spot on. If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it’s a duck. The large age gap is a huge red flag too (well large for a teen, obviously a 25 year old woman and a 37 year old man is not so problematic.) He introduced you to smoking drinking, drugs and sex and you were then in an abusive relationship with him. It sounds like you weren’t having a great relationship with your parents at the time and this made you vulnerable as well. I’m glad you’re getting support for it now though xxx

Spidey66 · 21/07/2023 19:43

Ps to reiterate what others have said you were 100% not to blame. He was an adult and you were a child, who through no fault of her own was particularly vulnerable. Please do not blame yourself. Easier said than done though xxx

Boomboom22 · 21/07/2023 19:47

It was, the whole point and definition of grooming is that they groom you to consent and to want to. A 16 year old even without the prior bits might make bad decisions. That's ok. Even if you did want to be with him that's ok. Not your fault. The important thing is you are happy now, you did escape, and you are more aware of how to protect others like your niece or own kids. Your mum did find it difficult, you have more awareness as does society now.

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