So I'm going to say of the bat I have MH issues, depression and anxiety and have been told I most likely have a neurodivergant condition (Asperger's). I'm well aware that a lot of the things I'm feeling, are just that, my feelings and that they actions of my family haven't necessarily been done to make me feel this specific way but it's still how I feel and it's affecting the relationships I have with my family at the moment but I don't see how to improve things without telling them how I feel. Also before someone says it, I am already on the waiting list for CBT to have some therapy to deal with my MH difficulties ATM, have been since April after making a referral in February.
So I have 4 children, 15, 13, 4 & 3. Elder 2 are with my exDH, younger 2 with my DP. I shouted A LOT at my younger 2 to try and "discipline" them to the point that shouting became so normal it had no impact on them.
With the younger 2, I decided I wanted to do things differently. I can't say I'm a full gentle parent, because I do still have moments of shouting and dealing with things "badly" but I'm trying to be a lot more mindful with my parenting. My 4 year old DS is a very exhuberant boy. He has a LOT of energy, is always on the go, very physically active, climbs a lot, quite loud, VERY smart - he loves dinosaurs and can identify over 30, can memorise and read story books back to me word for word, he talks a lot, he asks a LOT of questions. He's a lot. And I know this. But it's just who he is. He's 4 so he doesn't always listen. He doesn't always do as he's told. He throws strops, all the normal 4 year old things 😂
But my sister has said for the last couple of years there is something "wrong" with him, i.e. ADHD, ASD, ODD - along those lines and while he certainly has traits of them, he doesn't "fit" in any of the diagnostic criteria boxes either. But she'll regularly say I need to go to the GP and get him tested etc. Nursery don't have any concerns with his behaviour, my SIL who is a primary school teacher doesn't think he has anything either. I don't care either way tbh, I'm most likely aspergic, so is his dad, so it wouldn't surprise me you know 😂 but I don't think he'd be diagnosed with anything at the moment. And even if he is / was it wouldn't change who and how he is anyway.
Anyway, my sister and my mum's discipline is still very much shout and smack. They tell me regularly that I "talk" to them "too much" that I try and "explain things to them too much" as is more the mindful / gentle parenting way. So anytime my DS is being (in their opinion) too exhuberant they will shout at him to stop and threaten to smack him etc. They shout at him A LOT(!) to the point it makes me feel like they don't like him very much. Neither of them have any patience with him at all. I will pick my battles with him, some things are worth disciplining him about, some things just aren't but if he's doing something that I don't think requires discipline they'll say "aren't you going to tell him off?" Well no, I'm not, what does "telling him off" actually achieve or teach him? "Aren't you going to do something?" Like what? Give him a smack. Well no I'm not, again what does it achieve and teach him.
I work 3 days a week. I've NEVER used my mum as childcare. Have always had a childminder or nursery but when my childminder is ill, or the children are sometimes I ask my mum if she can look after them as I can't take too many days off work. Or rather I used to ask her. Because now I don't feel like I can. I don't feel like she wants to look after them (and maybe she doesn't 😂) but she'll say yes but with that kind of "if I have too tone". I always make a point of saying it's not a problem if you can't, I'll try and sort something else out - and it genuinely wouldn't be, I'd actually much rather her tell me she would rather not then do it begrudgingly. Because that's what I feels like.
My sister doesn't necessarily give me these vibes, but... I just don't "trust" how she'll actually deal with them if they are "misbehaving". I don't want them constantly shouted at and threatened or actually smacked. Same goes for my mum. So I try to limit how much I ask them to look after the LO's.
But then I also get from both of them, you don't tell us what is going on anymore, i.e. if the LO's are ill. You don't talk to us anymore. You don't come over as much as you used to (because I don't feel we're actually welcome and feel constantly on edge / egg shells to be watching the LO's behaviour so they don't get angry with them, which with my mental health is just so draining!) But how do I explain to them WHY without just upsetting or offending them?
Which I know is how they would both react. They'd just feel criticised and that I'm being ungrateful. I'm really not. We've always been a close family, my mum and sister have been there for me A LOT through various things, like things I wouldn't have gotten through without them. But I'm trying to "evolve" as a person and a parent and they just don't seem to "get" it and it is creating a distance between us but I don't know how to tell them this either.
Any suggestions gratefully received.