Should I stand up for myself with ILs and dp?

[Blueebell]

I left my exp a month or so ago due to minor issues but we've recently got back together. We have 1 dd aged 16m and when I came back I was very very honest in that I had come back due to practical reasons. I'm 23 still at Uni, I have my driving test booked for 5 months time, dd is just too young that I would hate to spend time apart that I know he would want. He said this didn't matter and that he would get us back to where we were before. He's older than me, 31, but I think he's settling with me as he has said when we split that he wouldn't want a partner, he'd rather be single but he wants more children. He even asked me to have another child with him so he could stay single. I've made it clear I won't be having anymore children but he thinks he will change my mind.
I don't have family support, I would be homeless, I would have to work meaning potentially leave Uni, I wouldn't get to spend all my time with dd. I enjoy the life I have with him, and it makes sense, we have good memories and activities with baby and I do love him, he's a 'fun dad' great at playing not so great at practical stuff, I'm just not in love with him and I know this isn't the man I should be with. I don't agree with some of his views about women, he is not big on affection, he is spineless when it comes to his mother and she is awful. I'm okay with this set up, so is he, and baby is happy. And just to be clear I disagree with him vocally and would show that to my dd that he is wrong when he says things about women, though in my vision for the future we're not together long after 2 years time.
But the issue is that he treats me lesser than around his family. I don't get on with his mother or sister, the rest of the family are fine. They gossip, they treat the girlfriend of the only cousin just like how they treat me but she doesn't snap back at them. Which is why I have had disagreements with them, I do stand up for myself. They exclude me, family get togethers they include dd and p but they exclude me. Even shorter relationships without children get in the pics, not me even when my dd is in them. When his mum and him post pics that I have been in, they have cropped me out. I went nc with his mum after she threatened physically me not long ago and this is after other kinds of threats too and dd doesn't see her because of this and that she is very toxic and he has explicitly told me he won't stand up to her, his mum doesn't have to respect my boundaries if she doesn't want to. Now there is a wedding next month, I'm expected to go, stand there and be excluded and I would hate to cause an issue at a wedding that's why I do want to go. I don't want to cause issues but I will not be handed the camera anymore and excluded. I've said already that his mother is not to approach me or dd and this already causing tension. My anxiety round this event is going through the roof. He will not let me not go, I will get passive aggressiveness, resentment. He will hate me for a while and I'll be the only person that can tell. None of this will be in front of baby, it's all very sly. I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for myself because I've chosen this but I'm full of anxiety about the situation. He has told me that he is expecting me to integrate them more into dds life now she is getting older and I hate it but I have been doing it in small ways. A lunch here, a quick pop in there. Not with the mum though after the threat but he has told me he expects me to "let her be nan". But she treats me like absolute shite, threatens me, gossips about me. I've said I will have contact with her when we work it out with a therapist as I'm hoping a therapist will open his eyes that she can't treat me like this and expect me to want my child around that or want myself around that.
I have this anxiety that my rash decision to keep my dd has seriously changed my life. I love her beyond words though and love being a mum, it's just with who and when. My mum is not here anymore, I do not have anyone in my life to tell this all to as I'm private with friends and other family. I had a baby young and with the wrong man and I'm going to pay for it for the rest of my life is what I'm scared of. I do not want dd to be influenced and be like them when she grows up, they are not nice people. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't get rid of. A part of me feels like I have to put up with the rubbish from his family because I'm choosing this.
I have no one to turn to right now about this. I feel like a bad mother and a rubbish role model. I can do two years and sort myself out and be ready then to be a mother she can be proud of, who can provide for her. But does this mean I should just grit my teeth and bare it or advocate for myself with his family? Do I go to this wedding or skip it and deal with being hated in my own home? I'm scared to say I won't be going and I won't be hated after because he might leave me.
If you managed to make it through the book I've written here please go easy on me if you reply

A lost the will to live reading that can you post it again, with paragraphs

I would skip the wedding, it sounds like they hate you anyway so it won’t make any difference if they end up hating you for not going. You need to reduce your exposure to his family.
If you are adamant you want to make it work for 2 years then I would do the bare minimum with his family. It sounds like you’ve got yourself in a big mess and it must be hard because you sound very isolated other than them. Take these 2 years to finish uni and pass your driving test, focus mainly on you and your child and what is best for the 2 of you. Put the in-laws low down on your priority list, right where they have put you.

Jesus that sounds tough. First of all, I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I certainly wouldn’t go somewhere I’m being disrespected. You tell your partner, that unless he has a chat to his mother about the way she treats you, she will not be a part of her grandchild’s life. End of story. If he won’t do this, creates tension in home, explain it’s a deal breaker and you want to end relationship. He doesn’t get to hold all the cards in the relationship. I know you feel you are stuck as you are a young mother and do not have support. Check out your entitlements and go from there. If you need to delay uni for a year until baby can go to nursery, so be it. Call women’s aid, it certainly sounds abusive. It’s like he is bullying you to do everything that suits him. They may be able to provide you with options. I’d first have it out with him though. Talk to his mother or you are gone. Time for him to grow a pair

He has told me that he is expecting me to integrate them more into dds life now she is getting older and I hate it but I have been doing it in small ways. A lunch here, a quick pop in there. Not with the mum though after the threat but he has told me he expects me to "let her be nan".
If you don't get on, you don't have to do things together and you don't need to explain it to anyone. If the dad wants his child to see his own mum, he can organise it.
I do not want dd to be influenced and be like them when she grows up, they are not nice people.
My children saw my in-laws regularly, and my ex always defended his parents. If I criticised them, I was a bitch - I could criticise my family and he had no trouble with that, of course, but his own could do no wrong.
The children have nonetheless grown up being good judges of what is OK behaviour and what is poor behaviour, and even taught their dad that criticism is allowed; he does it himself now.

He sounds manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive. I would be leaving, check on entitled to what benefits you could receive and child maintenance for what he'd have to provide for your DD. Does your uni have an on site nursery? Worth registering for housing with your local housing associations too. This is no way to live. You would not be the first or last young mum at uni to leave and make it work OP, you can live a happier life and get the degree you're working towards!

I wouldn't be going to the wedding or being forced to see his toxic family either.

Thanks for the reply.
I'm pretty isolated, my mum isn't with us, my dad moved on and is very invested in his new family. I have friends but no one has children. I don't like to overshare with my other family members so I just share the good stuff. I've got myself into a bit of a clusterfk if I'm honest. I have put my all into dd and me, and I do have to do what you've said here. I don't know why I'm putting effort in and worrying when they don't put a second thought into how they make me feel.

Yet you managed to post a nasty reply with errors and lack of punctuation. Both ironic & moronic, a delightful combination.

You need leave, don’t stay for practicalities, you’ll end up getting more and more worn down and in deeper than you are now.
you can do uni as a single mum, I did and I had two. Youll get UC, full student loan, all sorts of grants grants and possibly a bursery, maybe even a hardship grant from the uni. 85% of full childcare bill was paid for, I was actually better off financially as a single mum student than working. You’ll also be able to claim child maintainable. The council will have a duty to house you if your name isn’t on your current home. They can also help with a deposit for private rent if needs be.
Trust me it’s easier now while your dd is young , too young to realise.

To be honest, even if his family were nice people (which it seems like they're not), I don't think it's likely they'd welcome you with open arms as you've left him once and you say that you don't love each and you're effectively using each other for mutual convenience. Whilst you're both adults and free to make your own choices, I can't imagine any family would be happy about your arrangement. They will want better for him. And you should want better for you and your child. Is this why you haven't told your friends? Because they will want better for you too?

I could be a lot harsher but I won't as you're obviously not in a good place. This 'situation' can't be good for your mental health and/or your self esteem. Surely it must be eating away at you inside?

As other posters have said, I do think it would be much better for you if you left him (trust your instincts from last time!) and set up on your own with your child. Find out what benefits you're entitled. Maybe you need to get a job. And if that means you have to delay uni for a year or two, so be it. The bad treatment and the loveless relationship, these things are the price you're paying for a driving licence and university. At the cost of your self-respect and the respect of others.

Thanks for your reply.
I have tried to ask him and to be fair to him he did have a conversation with her and said that she had to put in effort to be nice but she spoke with me after kept talking down to me. Saying that I could "try and turn him against her but it wouldn't work" she is mum and she raised him and that I need to accept that they are "extremely close". She was really trying to show me who's boss, kept telling me about how they always have "cuddles", he calls to say good morning every morning, texts her every evening etc, it was a lot. I'm not going to let her in my child's life until there is change, I won't be threatened in front of my child. I think I need to brave up a bit and say it's a deal breaker if he keeps trying to push it. You're right I do feel stuck, when we split before I was smacked with reality. He doesn't so much as tell me I have to do things, It's more that he will ask and if I say no it becomes very strained and uncomfortable and when I point I it out he will tell me he can't help if it changes the way he feels about me. It leaves me with not a lot to say really.

Thank you for replying.
I didn't realise I could be entitled to that. I might have to talk to student support and see If anyone could explain the potentials.

@Blueebell

You've sold your soul for an easier current life yet in the long run isn't good.

If you have to leave uni to work to support yourself and your dc then that's what you need to do

You can go back to study once your settled.

Your so young.

I was a very young single parent with no support.

I worked and worked and built my way up

It was bloody hard and knackering but I now have a successful career and my dc are older and I'm financially independent.

I met and remarried my dh and I've always kept financial independence and I've shown my dc how to get where you want to in life.

Working would mean you could save to get a rental to start with and then study along side once your dc is in full time school.

My mil trapped herself like you have.
Her dc grew up with an unhappy mum and an oblivious lazy dad in an unhappy home.

My mil is now in her 80s and realises her time has gone and it makes her very sad.

You have one life op. Don't sell your soul

I have this anxiety that my rash decision to keep my dd has seriously changed my life.

Of course it has. How could you imagine otherwise?

Thanks for your reply.
I do see your point and I can understand why I may come across as selfish but this wasn't the case until we split a month or so ago. I still had hope in us before then, I genuinely believed we could iron things out. I left because I realised he just wasn't the man for me. He has also said in the meantime he is going to try and sort things out between us and if things were to change I would be happy to stay with him. I don't think he will change though. I obviously do love him, I've spent years of my life with him, I'm just not in love with him.
I personally think that yes I could be showing myself some more care here but I'm not disrespecting myself. I'm thinking long term, It's not uni and a license, it's not being homeless, working minimum wage and stuck there, not driving, 50:50 care of my 1 year old.

I'm trying to be responsible and realistic though yes I don't feel 100% about my decision. I made my decision by thinking what is best for dd. I understand the way he can be is not ideal behaviour and this is part of how I know he isn't right for me.
I'm going to look into alternatives of the back of this thread, I thought as I'm a student I'd be entitled to nothing.

When I said changed I more so meant negatively impacted the trajectory of my life. Like I will end up, single, scraping pennies together for the rest for my life with a child that has been negatively impacted by her paternal family.

Like I will end up, single, scraping pennies together for the rest for my life with a child that has been negatively impacted by her paternal family.
I realise you're describing your worst nightmares, on a bad day, OP, but if you find yourself feeling like this scenario is likely, then it would be worth having a chat to your GP about depression, if you haven't done so already. Realistically, you're not going to be single for the next 70 years because you have a small child today, and if you finish uni you have a decent chance of getting a job that earns more than many. And you're bringing your daughter up. It's unlikely that interacting with her wider family is going to turn her into someone totally foreign to you.

If it's just a bit of a panic, I'd say that's not actually that unusual when you have a child. Even if the child is planned and the relationship good, the reality of having the child, the changes in your life, and the realisation of exactly how permanent your decision is, can still be a shock to the system. And your partner has done a bit of a job on you with his passive-agressive bullshit, at a time when you'd normally have had extra support from your parents, and it's missing. Be kind to yourself.

I have been getting help for post natal anxiety I'm doing CBT at the moment, I didn't realise this could be that? Because I do have these thoughts. I feel like no man my age will want to be with me now because I can't do what other women my age are doing. I do worry that I will not be able to provide for her on my own, that she will end up missing out on things or living barely getting by.
I worry that if she spends too much time with them she will end up like them. I'm not trying to be rude but her paternal nan has never worked a day in her life, been on benefits her entire life, is a bad gossip and they are horrible with the stuff they say. To the point I've heard paternal nan ask "well what did she do to deserve it?" when told family friend had experienced dv. I worry dd might adopt this way of thinking if exposed to it too much.
She also says she is going to tell dd all about why I don't let them see her, which I took to mean that she's going to badmouth me to my dd. I worry she'll sway my daughter's opinion of me and my dd will end up hating me.

That does sound quite a lot like catastrophising, OP :)
Like I say, my children are well able to spot the nonsense their relatives spout. Teach your daughter to form her own opinion and she'll be fine.
You're feeling bad now - totally understandably - and it's narrowing your vision. Go outside more if you can - green, open spaces will make you see things more positively. See if you can find more people to talk to, to get some fresh ideas. Maybe talking therapy and/or (different?) medication would be useful alongside the CBT. And try to break out of the cage you've built yourself and be less private with friends: that might have been you in the past but we all change. See if you can make any young mum friends locally.
Your partner has realised that he can use your anxiety and guilt to make you do things just by looking annoyed. This is unpleasant of him. A nice person would discuss issues with you properly.

OP, you have done really well to be at Uni with a baby / small child. Be chuffed with yourself over that.

Honestly, I think you need to leave him. Living like this is terrible for your self esteem and mental health.

Talk to the Uni support services immediately. Tell them that you are trapped in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man (he is!) and his mother who physically threatened you. And that you want to leave but want to know how you can manage. Tell them you have no family support.

Yes, he will have access visits, but you will be your child’s main influence. Her values will come from you. My Dad’s family were out and out racists when I was a child and told me terrible things and ‘warned’ me about various groups with explicit and lurid nonsense. My Dad isn’t a racist and neither am I.

His Mum may well be nice to your Dc when you are not around. You get a whiff that they are bad mouthing you to your Dc, you tell him that Parental Alienation is taken seriously and you will be able to get social services to put a stop to the access.

With financial and childcare support you can free yourself from this man and his horrible family. Hopefully the Uni Support service can help you. You could also talk to Citizens Advice.

Are you on the council list for housing?

Oh my god, the fucking irony.

OP I understood every word perfectly fine. If I was you, I would have nothing to do with his mother. Let him take baby to see her. Don't go to the wedding.

Why are some people bloody rude! Everyone else read it ok!