Anyone else hate being told no?

[Titicacacandle]

I'm trying to work out how long I've been like this but I think it's been all of my life. I absolutely hate being told no or having someone stop me from doing something I want to do.

I did have an awful controlling dm and I massively rebelled as a teenager to the point I ended up in care. But I'm a 35yr old adult with two dc now and I still cannot cope with being told no.

I don't mean that plans always have to go my way with friends etc (although I'll be secretly frustrated) or that I ask for things off of people and then have a tantrum that I can't get it. It's more like I won't do something that I don't want to do and will cut my nose off to spite my face. Or another example would be how irrationally angry I get if someone parks in my parking space, it makes me want to shout, beep my horn and throw a tantrum to get what I want - ie my space that someone has taken. In a relationship, if I'm completely honest, I want my own way all of the time. I feel in control and safe when things are going my way (which is why I'm happier single) and I get so upset if say my exh wanted things his way.

I've had a lot of therapy over the years, I think I need more to learn how to not want what I want when I want it. Or to regulate my emotions when I don't get my way.

I don't really know why I'm posting, is anyone else like this? Or has anyone else come through the otherside and chilled the fuck out!

Sounds like you might relate to description of PDA/ pathological demand avoidance.

I've just googled PDA, it sounds very much like me. I won't open letters or pay bills until I'm forced to, and then bitterly resent being forced! I 'adult' enough to get by but again resent it. I just want to be able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. I hate having to go to bed because of needing to get up in the morning, I hate having to be on time for places, I sometimes am secretly late on purpose because I don't want to be somewhere on time that someone else has chosen/or work. I've just been thinking I'm spoilt and need to grow up.

I don’t think your spoilt, it sounds like a lot of it is down to your childhood and needing to feel in control, which is understandable given what you went through.

Have you had any specific counselling around trauma/childhood trauma?

I think I need more to learn how to not want what I want when I want it. Or to regulate my emotions when I don't get my way.

Sounds like it would be beneficial, I don't think it's going to do your children any favours to see this behaviour.

There are some resources/support spaces for adults with PDA traits in various places on the internet. Mostly in autism spaces but I don't think it necessarily has to be linked to autism. But this might be useful in figuring out strategies and management options.

Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read / listened to the audio book version? I grew up with a very controlling DM and gave hints of the behaviour you describe. This book totally helped me to chill out and look at alternative ways to approach a multitude of situations.

Have not gave

PDA is part of the ASD spectrum. I don’t think it’s a stand alone condition. It sounds very much like PDA.

@KissKissMollysLips love your name! Is that the one they sang with Nirvana? I think it is.

Loads of relationship based counselling, bits of CBT. Some hypnotherapy. Nothing really sticks. The older I get the worse I seem to be so I will go back when I can afford it, but I do seem to find that I get lots of validation in therapy and it doesn't translate to the real world very well. So for example I'll be feeling really confident about something and it will come back to bite me in work or a relationship. Socially I'm fine, have lots of long term friends but they know me so well and for so long that my ways are just laughed about.

My dc are almost grown up now. I had them very young. One is off to one of the 10 best uni's, the other is off on a very good apprenticeship. Whatever damage I've done to them by my ways is done now. Although my dc aren't damaged, they're lovely dc who have great lives ahead of them.

No I haven't, I have read a lot of books on the subject but not this one. Will add it to my audible queue thanks!

I think it’s interesting that you are aware of this being an issue and are reflective. I have a family member who always wants things their way, never wants to compromise and point blank refuses to do things they don’t want to do. The difference is they think it’s just the order of things and their right. There’s no reflection or thought about it

I only meant that if OP finds the descriptor of PDA helpful, but doesn't necessarily identify with an autism label, she could look there regardless.

I have C-PTSD and very much have that rage reaction to seemingly innocuous things.

I grew up with a narc mother and it’s linked to feelings of helplessness and frustration at the gaslighting.

I have thought about whether I have autism or not before. I score highly in questionnaire that you take to the GP to go on the assessment waiting list. But I also think is it just that I wasn't socialised or parented properly so my development became stunted. I grew up the scapegoat, and delighted in that role. I still like playing that role, I don't like being like everyone else and like being the rebel. I love being the naughty one. Not to the extreme of breaking the law, I have a professional job and a life I love, but even my friend said to me a few days ago that I like acting 'rougher' than who I actually am.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow yes, exactly! It’s a cover of a Vaseline’s song (relatively unknown Scottish band whom Kurt loved…well worth checking out if you haven’t yet)

I love The Vaselines