Anyone have scapegoat/ golden child dynamic...but no 'narcissistic' parent?

[noscapegoating]

I take the pop psychology stuff with a grain of salt do see the scapegoat/ golden child dynamic in my family. What I don't see though, is an obviously narcissistic parent. I see very flawed, at times physically abusive, parents...but not selfish or narcissistic. It confuses me even more to be honest.

Just wondering if others have similar?

I didn't fully appreciate how dysfunctional my family was until well into middle age and a lot of therapy. It seemed normal to me, especially the blatant difference in treatment of me compared to my siblings.

However, once I came away from it all, it became very obvious, a mixture of not being in the FOG and mixing with people who don't behave the way my family does.

Have you had therapy Op? Scapegoating, physical/emotional abuse is by it's very nature the result of narcissism ie someone who doesn't have the empathy to realise the consequences of their behaviour on their targets.

Also Narcissistic Personality Disorder is different to narcissistic traits which we all have to a degree.

Yes I recognise this. My parents did their best but just found my brother much more relatable. I was always a bit of an outsider, late diagnosed ADHD, he was sporty and quite popular. We weren't treated differently in a material sense but it was made very clear that I wasn't what they had wanted and didn't meet the brief and he did.

My mum I think it came from low self esteem. She'd moved to a much more middle class village than where she was brought up and felt like an outsider, I think she had hoped the kids would make her fit in more (which DB did, going to cricket club etc) and I didn't, preferring my own company.

My dad just didn't seem to want children at all, apart from enjoying having a bit of a mini me to do activities with. There was a fair bit of walking on eggshells, being told to shut up, called stupid, pathetic etc, having my physicality and personality criticised in quite a fatalistic way.

DB wasn't showered in praise all the time but he wasn't made to feel he simply wasn't right. He was bullying when we did activities together and nothing was done about it. I am quite close to him now but it is a bit sad to see him still enjoying things he made clear I was shit at and had no place taking part in.

Not narcissists just not very flexible in what they saw as a 'good' child with value. Tbh I think they both have slightly limited social skills and felt embarrassed by me not making up for those by being a perfect golden all rounder.

I still have a tendency to blame myself for absolutely anything and everything but learned a lot about how to accept people for who they are and not how people may judge you by association.

Sorry for the essay but to add, any time I have tried to raise this with my mother- particularly the stuff about my physicality which I recognise as being really not on- it has been met with deny, minimise, blame etc.

Yes!! I am the scapegoat in my family. No narcissist parents, just a bullying step father who has made my whole life hell (I was 3 when he met my mother) and a mother who couldn’t care less about me!

@PrincessMyshkin My experience is very similar to yours. Two younger DBs who were valued members of the family, whereas I was always to blame for everything. Still am, but very LC with family, so no more walking on eggshells on a day to day basis. DBs blame me for DFs drinking and resulting health problems, so I won't even be able to go to the funeral (DF is still alive but awaiting an op he may not survive). So it's grim and the shame follows you around, even when you know realistically you aren't to blame for another adult's bad choices. A scapegoat will always be a scapegoat as far as the family of origin are concerned.

The golden child thing is related to a narcissistic parent?

Dh is the golden child.
His siblings aren't scapegoats but there is a very different dynamic, particularly with his sister who has been labelled the "difficult" one. Also, possibly due to deep seated sexism and being the only girl, she is the one who is expected to bend over backwards for everyone else and gets very little appreciation for it.

The result is a woman who was in a terrible and emotionally abusive relationship for years, partially because her family supported him over her.

Dh's sense of entitlement as golden child could have gone very badly for him but luckily he's come out the other side (lots of therapy!).

Less said about bil the better.

We all now think that their mother has some.narcissistic tendencies.

Yes you are still taking too much blame, don’t make excuses for them.
you did not deserve to be told those things and called those names. You are a precious soul in this world and just lovely the way you are x

Yes you mean gaslit