No "spark"

[TiredMum97]

I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, we had kids quite quickly so in hindsight we didn't really have that time to get to know one another properly (no regrets in that decision though) our kids are now 3 and a half and 2 and a half.

As you know, kids make life harder in terms of being able to have date nights often and time alone, so I know this isn't just my DPs fault. It's something we have to just get on with. But I feel like he never makes effort or time to plan to take me out, whenever we do anything it's usually because I've planned it.

We have the same autopilot routine day in day out, I end up in bed early once I've done all the chores and he sits downstairs. We never have anything to talk about, our sex life is next to nothing but that's mainly due to my libido which is currently non existent, but also most nights one of the kids end up in our bed so we never get the time. But honestly I just really don't feel the urge to have sex with him anymore so it doesn't bother me if the kids end up in our bed. And I don't know why I feel this way.

I just feel like we have absolutely no spark. He never takes time off work to spend a day off with me and the kids, which he promised he'd start doing more of especially now summer holidays are coming up. But I give up asking him about it as he promises he will but it never happens. The only day we spend together as a family is a Sunday and if I don't plan anything we just wouldn't do anything.

I think he's started to notice that I dont feel the same anymore about him as he keeps making comments like "do you still love me" and "are you happy?" To which I always say obviously and yes I am happy but realistically, no I'm not. I love him, and I'd hate for us to not be together but I just don't know what to do or how to make things better.

And something would have to change in order for our relationship to continue, I don't want to break up the family but I also can't continue like this.

Does anybody have any advice? 😞

The first thing you need to do is stop feeding him reassuring but incorrect information on how you feel.
The spark can go out of any relationship at any point but you don't get it back unless you talk about what you need to reconnect.
My DH and I have had many conversations like this over the years (21 years together, oldest child is 13). We discuss things like eye contact, stopping to listen to each other properly not just mmhmmm while doing something else, riches that aren't initiating sex, asking about things that matter too each other and paying attention to the answer... These all really make difference and that's before any wining or dining.
But saying all is fine to his question that is because he had a hunch it isn't is going to lead to one place... Distance and disconnection.

Riches= touches

@PimpMyFridge yeah that's true. I think I do it to avoid conflict. I hate arguments and usually it ends up that way because he doesn't understand my point of view and I don't understand his.

Usually we are stressed a lot because of our kids - they've gotten so bad on a night recently and as I mentioned they end up in our bed every night no matter what different bedtime routines we try! Which is the main reason we started becoming more distant as a couple as we just don't get any adult time together to even have a conversation.

I think he's started to notice that I dont feel the same anymore about him as he keeps making comments like "do you still love me" and "are you happy?" To which I always say obviously and yes I am happy but realistically, no I'm not. I love him, and I'd hate for us to not be together but I just don't know what to do or how to make things better.

^^ maybe start by telling him the truth and see happens.

…posted too soon

he obviously knows you are not really happy with him or the relationship, having a conversation about it is going to be a starting point

You need to talk to him about it.