How to convince my mother to leave her partner

[StillPerplexed]

My mum (late 50s) has been with a guy for the last 10 years. They live together. He had a near fatal medical episode about six years ago and since then two things happened:

1. his behaviour/attitude massively deteriorated, he's constantly critical, occasionally violent, and is no help around the house, my mum's basically his taxi, cleaner, live-in carer. There's nothing emotional/romantic left in the relationship, they have separate rooms.

1. Because of his health my mum feels guilty about the prospect of leaving him, she's constantly saying stuff like "in another year when he's settled in the new place..." just making excuses.

She currently is financially dependent on him and has little in the way of work history, no assets, and is determined not to ever go back on benefits. This is the real sticking point I think. So she's at an impasse and is stuck with him.

Any advice on what I might do to help here? Anyone else been in a similar spot?

Unfortunately there is not much you can do here personally unless she decides of her own accord to leave him. You can mention the likes of Womens Aid to her but you cannot give away to her any more than you can afford to lose.

Her boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationship experience, are indeed being further eroded by this man now.

Your post title sounds like it is you rather than she who wants to end the relationship. These are very much her decisions to take rather than yours but support could be simply explaining how you’re worried about her, and as others have said directing her towards to independent help or advice lines. Be prepared though that she may be more content than you think with the set up.

I agree with the other poster. People don’t do things until they are ready. And no amount of even common sense talking will change that. If u did even manage to persuade her she will probably go back as it will not be her decision. Hold tight. And be there when ur needed.

She probably will, when she is ready.

Thanks for the input everyone. I guess I'll keep the door open and continue being supportive, but I'm not going to be doing any strongarming or ultimatums or anything unhelpful like that. It's just depressing to see family get stuck in something like this.

Does she have carers allowance?

She is young to not have much work history or ability to provide for herself - was she married to your dad?

Are you married OP? If you are, how could your DM get you to leave your partner if she was concerned about your relationship? Can you think of what she might say, that would make you think ‘She’s right, I must end this’?

I think maybe you could gently challenge her when she justifies her decision to stay with “In another year when he’s settled in the new place” and ask what happens if he isn’t settled then? What if he doesn’t settle at all? It is very hard to feel powerless when you can see how bad a situation is. Hopefully she will get to the point when the thought of staying is more awful than the thought of leaving. In the meantime support her and do what you can to help her think of herself and her needs which are every bid as important as her DPs.