Sorry to unload my life but I’ve had some great support so far. Does my ex sound like he had a mental health condition?

[Lovel2]

We were together 10 years and I have always called him abusive, a bit narcissistic really. He was aggressive, angry especially when I voiced an opinion or a feeling. He threw things when he got worked up. He always said I never showed him enough love, never did enough. He blamed me for the way he felt and reacted.

Ive come to realise I definitely had attachment issues from my childhood. I was a people pleaser. I ignored how I felt and tried to get him to treat me better. He tried to get me to love him more but the damage had been done by the shouting and swearing at me. Seems very co-dependant.

What I was wondering about was I had been thinking that my attachment issues caused him to behave like this or if he had his own. As a young adult he was addicted to very hard drugs and he later started drinking. I made him stop drinking as it made him so angry. He self harmed also as a young adult, this always happened after a break up. He smoked weed throughout our relationship which he said he had to to calm him down. I hated it but he was calmer. He said he had to smoke because I made him feel unloved. That was his perception and wasn’t reality, I did everything I could for him. He would say the same. He always said he deserved more and blamed his anger on me. He blamed everything on me. He always wanted worshipping and thanking for what he did. He took gifts back if I didn’t earn them.

Did he sound like he had an issue?

The relationship was definitely awful with neither of us being able to meet each other’s needs.

If you have no children together, don't give him a second thought.

We share a daughter.

Sounds like no one could meet his out if control demands.

You had to "earn" presents. That just doesn't make any sense.

Shame you gave him a child but hey once they are old enough to communicate and travel to him without your input you can effectively cut him off.

@frozendaisy well his gifts were not free, he wanted something in return. There was never a just because gift and they’d always be big and expensive. He’d then constantly bring it up.

Yes, no question of it. Nothing you could ever have done would ever have been enough. He was projecting onto you - his self esteem was so low that he felt he could never be loved/was unloveable so he could never believe you loved him. He's to be pitied and stayed the hell away from, I think it's very unfortunate that you have a dd with him.

Maybe he does have mental health issues. Although being abusive isn't a mental health issue.

I've had severe depression. I didn't pick on anyone else, even when I was suicidal. I know people with autism, ADHD, bipolar, schizophrenia, alcoholism, drug addiction and more - none of them abuse other people.

My ex had BPD and his behaviour was absolutely execrable. I still hold him fully responsible for that. A lot of us have been through bad shit in our lives. We don't all feel the need to bully other people because of it.

@GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea I was thinking maybe BP disorder. His moods were quite bad and he had just felt so abandoned all the time. I once found a poem he wrote where he said he felt empty inside, like he had no identity. This was after I told him that I think our marriage was over. He went straight from our marriage into online dating and found someone else ASAP.

I think maybe I should have said personality disorder…unless that’s a mental health issue also.

Maybe he has mental health issues. Maybe he has trauma from his childhood. Who knows? But it doesn't matter becuase NONE of those things justify the way he treated you.

I believe one of the hardest things about recognising abusive behaviour is that in movies and in books and even on MN, there's often very black and white thinking - an abuser is a BAD person. But in reality, abusers are often perfectly nice people. They just don't have the capacity or the willingness to see how their behaviour is a problem or the impact it has on other people.

similarly, some people are sadly more likely to be in abusive relationships because they don't have the ability to spot the red flags or walk away. This does not mean the abuse is their fault.

Yeah it's a personality disorder, but it still doesn't take away responsibility or accountability.

Would he flip like a switch on you?

Some of his behaviour sounds exactly like my partner! We've been pushing for the last couple of years for help for him as he acknowledges he has a problem. Many counselling session and anti depressants later and he was finally referred to a psychiatrist who last week said her belief is that he has undeveloped emotional intelligence meaning he has the emotional intelligence of a pre teen..... does your partner actually acknowledge he has some problems? This isn't going to get any better for you if he doesn't

I assumed BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, now usually called EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). Bipolar is BPAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder). Of the two, he certainly appears to haver traits of EUPD'. This diagnosis is unpopular with clients as it is felt they are at 'fault' although many sufferers have had unsettled childhoods and in fact there is a school of thought it is in many a form of complex PTSD. Many with EUPD have difficulties with emotional regulation and for this reason prefer a diagnosis of Bipolar on the grounds their moods changerapidly but they are 2 different conditions which are treated differently.

What did he want in return for his gifts OP?
Effusive gratitude/lovey dovey stuff or something more specific?

He sounds very needy & will pass on the blame to his next partner or your daughter if she's his only significant other now..

Sorry, just read your update.

His moods were quite bad and he had just felt so abandoned all the time. so it was up to you to show him he was loved? And nothing you did was ever good enough?

If someone feels something, it's up to them to manage those feelings in a sensible way. It's one thing to say, "I find it hard to be in a relationship where we don't connect in some way every day - even if it's just via text message" and completely another to say, "you must not go out with your friends ever because that triggers my feeling of abandonment."

Look at this way - is anyone who behaves like he did likely to put their hand up and say "Yes, it was my fault all along, I was horrible to you and you didn't deserve any of it and I'm truly sorry."?

No, because they are never going to admit that they are the culprit. They will always turn it around and blame someone else for making them behave the way they did. It is always some else's fault that they have to drink, or take drugs, or be violent. They will never accept any responsibility. Look up DARVO.

No he never admitted blame. Well in court he ended up saying he did what he did as too much evidence but he blamed it on his childhood and that I put him under stress.