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Original poster

WWYD Mortified that BFs son is being so rude

27 replies

Saltybanana · 19/07/2023 14:18

On holiday atm with my two DCs, BF and his 2 DCs.
We’re staying with my brother and his family (wife and one DC)
Up until recently , I’d gotten on really well with BFs son (8), but recently have had to call him out on his lack of manners towards me and hurtful comments. I’m never nasty, but so point out that he’s said something unkind. BF backs me up or pulls him up first.
Ever since we’ve arrived, BFs son has been so rude - making comments about my brother’s house, the garden. He’s complained about the food (even when he’s chosen things), and picks fault in everything and everyone. It’s like his filter has dropped off. Today he really upset me by making hugely personal comments towards my appearance (currently have swollen abdomen and face due to treatment for a medical issue), and criticising my clothes, etc.
Honestly, I’ve had enough and just wish me and my kids could enjoy time with my brother and his family without the constant negativity. WWYD?

OP posts:

Humidititties · 19/07/2023 14:24

Personally I'd ask your BF to take his kids and go home

blahblahblah1654 · 19/07/2023 15:15

I would ask them to leave

Caoilte · 19/07/2023 15:21

This sounds like a potentially high-pressure situation, anyway — you, your children, your boyfriend, his children, all staying with your brother and his family. I’d probably acknowledge that it was always a risk, and ask your boyfriend to leave with his children. He needs to get to the bottom of whatever is making his son so suddenly rude to you (I’m assuming that the rudeness about your brother’s food, house etc is either a child’s recognition that the chain of authority is a bit shaky here, or he can see it embarrasses you if he complains about your brother’s hospitality), but no reason you should lose your time with family. And maybe acknowledge that joint holidays with your extended family aren’t a good idea.

rumnraisinrocks · 19/07/2023 15:24

Can your DH take his DC off for the day away from the rest of you to try to find out what is going on with him.

Acheyknees · 19/07/2023 15:24

Yes, in situations like this, I'd suggest BF think about taking his son home early as his son doesn't appear to be enjoying being on holiday with you. I'd probably say it in front of everyone too.

Bigsislookingforadvice · 19/07/2023 15:24

Has he met your extended family before ? Could he be feeling overwhelmed, new place, people etc and getting mean as a way of being defensive in return ? Is his Mom generally ok with you and the situation?

If you can maybe ask bf to go home with his children to save any further upset as his son is obviously not enjoying his holiday x

Darkandstormynite · 19/07/2023 15:26

I agree, call it a day and ask your boyfriend to go home. It sounds like that little boy is very unhappy for whatever reason and is trying to convey that by lashing out. Adults need to put the kids first and take the stress out for all the kids involved. Must be difficult for the other children too.

DiscoDeborah · 19/07/2023 15:27

I think I'd also suggest they go home if that's possible.

I feel sorry for your brother and family having 6 houseguests anyway so I hope there's lots of room and they're not feeling too overwhelmed.

I don't think you've said how well he knows your family and how long you're staying. Might be a bit much for him but I wouldn't put up with the rudeness.

dancingsands · 19/07/2023 15:27

Yep I think boyfriend should take his kids home

LookItsMeAgain · 19/07/2023 15:29

Another one on the train of telling (actually not asking but telling) your BF that due to his son's behaviour towards you, you're not putting up with it, he's been incredibly rude and BF hasn't stepped in at any point to correct his son so you're no longer able to have them as your guests in your brother's house.

I'd even go so far as to call it a day with the BF, simply because he is not proactive in being that boundary as to what is and isn't acceptable to his son.

Findyourneutralspace · 19/07/2023 15:30

I’d give the kid a warning first - ask him what’s up and if there’s a reason he’s being so rude. If not, he gets a chance to sort himself out but if he can’t he goes home with his dad.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/07/2023 15:36

He's clearly not happy there, so I think you should tell your boyfriend to take his kids home, too. Not sure there would be any coming back from that, though.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 19/07/2023 15:36

I think your DP needs a quite conversation with his child to point out how rude he's being and ask if there's something up. Give him a warning that if there's a next time they're going home early. He also needs to apologize to everyone.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/07/2023 15:53

Humidititties · 19/07/2023 14:24

Personally I'd ask your BF to take his kids and go home

I came to say this. Totally unacceptable. Your boyfriend’s parenting must be utterly useless if the little shit isn’t learning.

RatherBeRiding · 19/07/2023 15:59

How long have you and BF been together? And from an 8 year old's POV it doesn't sound like a fun holiday staying with dad's GF's extended family so he's maybe bored and miserable and lashing out. Whatever the reason it sounds pretty miserable for all concerned so probably best for BF and his DC to leave so you and your DC can enjoy spending time with your family.

2bazookas · 19/07/2023 16:06

I'd very firmly advise BF he needs to take his two kids out all day, and make sure they've eaten an evening meal before returning.

Quitelikeit · 19/07/2023 16:09

I think it’s a tad harsh to expect the BF to jump on a flight home.

Behaviour is a form of communication.

Your BF really needs to have a stern word with him and make it clear his behaviour needs to improve but also I think spend time alone with the boy to see if he opens up!

FloweryName · 19/07/2023 16:13

I would stop expecting him to fit in with someone elses family for a start. I’d have hated being made to go on holiday with my step parents and siblings family when I already had my own family through my parents.

You put this child in a position that was always going to be difficult and then you expect his behaviour to be perfect? It’s not going to happen, so for future trips you need to consider everyone’s feelings equally.

NotBotheredAnymore · 19/07/2023 16:20

Tell BF to take his children home. I would also start reevaluation the whole relationship because even if he does tell his child off its not been effective. Anybody can say stop but it take a real parent to actually get them to stop. He hasn't.

littlefireseverywhere · 19/07/2023 16:28

I think it’s too much pressure for the BFs DC. It’s not a neutral environment and he’s being a pain! if you’re in the UK ask them to go home, for all their sanity. And it’s end of term, all kids are tired and take a few days to decompress.

Allthecheeseplease · 19/07/2023 16:32

Loads of context missing.

Given that the boy is only 8 (I'm presuming it's not a typo) he is clearly lashing out for some reason.

What is his home situation like? Are your BF's children full siblings? If so how long ago did he leave the family home?

Could his Mum be bad mouthing you?

Are you his first partner since?

Has he been told to call you Mum or something similar?

Do you treat all 4 children the same?

How is his relationship with his Mum and how is it with his Dad?

Is your BF a hands on Dad?

Could he possibly be neurodivergent?

You say that your BF backs you up when you scold him - does he feel you're ganging up on him?

I'm surprised that it's your own feelings your putting first and not concerned about why a child so young but would lashing out so much. Children of that age aren't great at regualting their emotions and will throw comments to hurt when they are feeling scared, angry or hurt.

Darkandstormynite · 19/07/2023 16:32

People will say that kids need to have a basic level of manners and respect, and be able to fit into social situations. I would agree with that to an extent, but it really is pretty miserable being the kid in this situation. You have all these expectations heaped on you by adults who just want to make their own lives easier and you're expected to just suck it up and smile when all you want to do is go home. Its a family you don't know, with in-jokes, traditions and bonds that you really don't know about, so feel weird and different and the parent you do know is also acting different so they fit in. So nothing is familiar and it's a family that's not yours. It's not the same as a friend's family or other trips away because its just such a loaded situation.

As bad as you think he's behaving, I bet he's just unhappy inside.

Wenfy · 19/07/2023 16:37

This seems like insecurity to me in that he’s attacking you because he trusts you. How are your brother and sil and their kids treating him? Are your kids being totally above board with their behaviour to him? Is it possible he’s being excluded or your DB / Sil are making comments to / about him when you aren’t around?

How much sleep is he getting? And where is he sleeping?

I’d suggest you and your DB go out for the day with just your kids. Suggest DB also takes him out 1-2-1 too.

Filament · 19/07/2023 16:48

Saltybanana: ...but recently have had to call him out on his lack of manners towards me and hurtful comments.

Why are you the one managing your boyfriend's son? Surely the first time he was rude to you, your boyfriend stepped in and dealt with it and explained basic manners to his child? You shouldn't be in a position of having to deal with the bad behaviour of someone else's child. The only reason it's continuing is if the boyfriend is not addressing it.

Dery · 19/07/2023 16:52

Completely agree with the later posters - @Saltybanana - you and your BF are showing a real lack of imagination about how all this must feel to an 8 yo boy. He sounds really unhappy and probably with good reason - from a child’s perspective. Put yourself in his shoes. He’s probably exhausted from school. He’s come away with his dad’s GF and her DCs to stay with her family. No matter how nice you all are - it’s a lot for a child to deal with. It may be throwing up all kinds of conflicting feelings including possibly feelings of disloyalty to his mum. He clearly feels bad but no-one is taking the trouble to help him with his feelings, they’re just telling him off. Start properly thinking about him.

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