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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does it mean when an emotionally abusive person does this...?

17 replies

SchoolFairNostalgia · 19/07/2023 12:56

Emotionally abusive man suddenly stops hiding the emotional abuse. He used to keep it covert, but is now being abusive in front of other people too. Does this have any particular meaning? TIA

OP posts:

HappyToSmile · 19/07/2023 13:03

He is confident you've accepted his behaviour so there is no need to hide it?

Morewineplease10 · 19/07/2023 13:04

Yep. He's stepping up.
He either doesn't care what other people think or he thinks they'll be complicit.

Leave - it only gets worse.

Ianzii · 19/07/2023 13:05

It means he really doesn't care about you or what you think, nor what other people think as well.

barbarahunter · 19/07/2023 13:06

To be honest OP it might be better to start planning your exit strategy rather than wasting time wondering why an abusive twat is abusive.

Original poster

SchoolFairNostalgia · 19/07/2023 13:06

Thank you very much. Sorry - to be clear, I am not the victim. The perpetrator has stopped hiding his abuse in front of me. It's not a romantic relationship - extremely complicated. Scary though. Thanks again

OP posts:

Original poster

SchoolFairNostalgia · 19/07/2023 13:10

I was wondering whether this means the person is likely to become more dangerous. If so, I may need to act to protect the people involved in some way

OP posts:

BodegaSushi · 19/07/2023 13:11

Definitely escalating. If the victim doesn't leave it will likely progress further to physical.

Tdcp · 19/07/2023 13:14

The abuser will only show part of what they actually do behind closed doors. If he's showing everyone some of the abuse now it is likely to be really bad at home.

Original poster

SchoolFairNostalgia · 19/07/2023 13:36

Tdcp · 19/07/2023 13:14

The abuser will only show part of what they actually do behind closed doors. If he's showing everyone some of the abuse now it is likely to be really bad at home.

This is alarming. Thank you - useful

OP posts:

FOJN · 19/07/2023 13:45

I would agree with PP, if the abuser is behaving like this in front of other people then what's going on behind closed doors will be much worse.

Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time of all.

If you are going to try to help the person being abused then please do what you can to keep you both safe.

orangeyeahthatsright · 19/07/2023 13:47

SchoolFairNostalgia · 19/07/2023 13:10

I was wondering whether this means the person is likely to become more dangerous. If so, I may need to act to protect the people involved in some way

If you can do so safely, I'd say yes. I agree with pps, he's escalating.

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2023 13:49

In the situation like this I am aware of, I believe it was a couple of factors at play.

The first was that his victim was starting to push back a little and he was losing control, as a result, it was harder for him to "hide" the abuse or limit it to specific times.

This was perhaps compounded by the fact that he had been doing it for a very long time, and getting away with it. Part of that was he had successfully (partially) convinced her family and some of her friends that SHE was the problem so he felt more comfortable doing things in public.

This was then FURTHER compounded because on some level, a big part of his emotional abuse is the result of seriously disordered thinking on his part. So, he'd convinced himself, and others, that she was "difficult" "abusive" etc, and so he started pulling the moves out that he usually used on her because he truly and completely believed that he was the victim.

Unfortunately for him, that disordered thinking was wrong

Ofcourseshecan · 19/07/2023 13:50

FOJN · 19/07/2023 13:45

I would agree with PP, if the abuser is behaving like this in front of other people then what's going on behind closed doors will be much worse.

Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time of all.

If you are going to try to help the person being abused then please do what you can to keep you both safe.

I agree. I suggest contacting Women’s Aid or Refuge for advice.

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2023 14:03

Here's a specific example we saw:

She used to worry about getting home to "spend time" with him. It was always a bit odd and it was clear that she seemed to think that she had to rush as if she wasn't home he'd be unhappy. But of course, he didn't make that clear if we saw him.

But the mask started to slip and she started pushing back. So he simply couldn't hold himself back. What also changed is that instead of completely humouring him, she started stopping so I was 1. invited round for an evening drink for the first time in YEARS and 2. (on another occasion) we agreed to go out for an early dinner (also first time in YEARS) and I popped by to pick her up. On both occasions, he was sulky, rude and astonishingly unpleasant when I arrived.

I think he thought that either she'd change her mind and cancel and/or that I would tell her she was being mean to him and should stay home and/or that I would feel bad for him and leave.

When he realised that I wasn't as stressed and sympathetic as she had always been when he behaved this way, he then attempted to backtrack, telling me after the drinks event that, "it's just that when things are not going well with us, I can't help it, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm just so upset".

He honestly and truly believed that I was going to pat him on the arm and commiserate with him.

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2023 14:07

Also, yes, behaviour did escalate and was even worse in private. Didn't quite get to physical abuse but hovered on edge with some very borderline moments....

Original poster

SchoolFairNostalgia · 20/07/2023 20:46

Thank you all. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought. I'm thinking more and more that this is an escalation.

@GingerIsBest I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're describing. A lot of what you say is resonating. Many thanks for posting

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 20/07/2023 22:48

I can tell you from experience that as an outsider you need to be careful. Even now, 2 years post break up when she 100% knows how awful he was
...

Her instinct is still to defend him, and she is STILL putting herself out for him a lot.of the time - to manage his emotions.

The trick is to be supportive without alienating her or giving him an excuse to blame you. Its a fine line and one I didn't always walk successfully.

On plus side, he hates me a lot now. [Grin]
Possibly even MORE than he hates her.... he knows I saw through him and was instrumental in her breaking away. (Of course, it's because he thinks I am a toxic bitch bevause he still thinks he was the victim.)

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