Partner of 3 years runs everything past his parents, especially his mum!

[Whydothat1]

I don’t know why he does this but every decision he has he runs past his parents, especially his mum. Where to go on holiday, what to buy, their advice on everything.

I’m 40 and he is 33 and I find it really irritating. They then tell him what they think. Why is he doing this? I don’t really want them knowing all our business. I say I’d like to go here on holiday his mum will go why not go here instead. He doesn’t necessarily take on board what they say so I don’t know why he bothers.

Have you asked him?

I would be very, very wary if I were you. It's wonderful that he's close to them, but there needs to be boundaries. I would find this constant approval seeking very unattractive.

What are you getting out of this relationship now.

You are with a mummy’s boy. Bin him off before you get ever more hurt. You will always come a dim and distant second to his mother.

Next time he is up for sex ask does he want to run it past his dm first.. You don't want that cord in the way...
I have adult ds's but they manage their own lives..

He is unlike to change that without resenting you (assuming you keep telling him you don’t like it etc) so if you don’t like it - leave now.
I’d struggle to be in a relationship like that. It is all well and good being close to your parents but at one point you need to live your own adult life and make your own decisions!

Unlikely *

Just talk to him. It's just what he's always done tell him not to discuss mutual decisiona

Its probably just making conversation.
'we are thinking of going to benidorm"

Absolutely no need for him to be asking their opinion . I know what you mean when you say you don’t want them involved as much. My MIL was the same, til I told my husband that he needed to stand up to her and do his own thing

Have you told him how much this annoys you?

I don’t know why he does this but every decision he has he runs past his parents, especially his mum.

I would imagine she was particularly strict/controlling when he was younger and never allowed him to think for himself.

He has never learned to think for himself or trust his own decision making. Why is that? Does he do the same with you to some degree or not? ie run lots of decisions past you? It would appear that he is seeking his parents' approval all the time. I would ask him to unpick why he thinks he needs to do that.

Being close and sharing information in general conversation is one thing. Seeking approval etc is quite another.

You’ve not really mentioned what he does with the information after they give him advice? Does he defer to them or does he make his own mind up, and you make joint decisions between you? I think that’s quite an important part of this equation.

if he seeks their advice and they give it I don’t really see the problem with that, it just means they have a close relationship, and it’s probably what they’ve always done, but if he is taking their opinion about things as gospel without factoring in other things then it’s quite worrying, and I’d be addressing that, we had a similar situation with my DH and I nipped it in the bud quite quickly, I do value their opinion but they don’t make decisions for me.

I’m assuming this must have come up before, what does he say when you mention it?

do you like your in laws?

Since he doesnt necessarily take on board their opinion, im not sure what the issue is? Hes not asking permission..

I talk to my family about ideas for holidays, paint colours and ignore them if i dont think they are right. Im not seeking permission. I just value some of their thoughts on things im mulling over as my part of the decision making that goes on between my and DH as a couple. Im not putting them before him. Im sounding out how i feel as an individual.

It would be odd if he was asking their opinion on private things. But something like a holiday i literally tell strangers at a bus stop im thinking if going to the isle of wight and they give there opinions of the beaches.

He runs almost all purchases past them. Runs money matters etc. It seems too much to me. He does seem to have a major issue making a decision about anything. Even in a shop he looks genuinely anxious at choosing. When forced he gets a bit worked up and will end up getting all the things.

It sounds like he struggles to be decisive and to trust his own judgment. It’s good that he doesn’t always follow their advice. Does he struggle with his confidence in other aspects of his life, like work?

No he doesn’t seem to struggle at work. He does have a tendency to collect things and not find a reason to throw away anything.

The more you write about him, the more red flags there are re him. What is it like in his home?.

You're his sex and intimacy partner, she's his daily life and big decisions partner.

If you're happy coming second to his mother, then you have no problem here.

Personally I find life's to short for this sort of crap from an adult man.