Sexless Marriage: Divorce husband or put up with it?

[Td935]

My husband & I are a perfect team. We both work hard, care for our children and each other and almost every aspect is perfect. Except sex which we’ve had a big blowout about recently which has left me wondering whether or not we can keep doing this. It’s been an issue for our entire 10yr relationship.
He almost never wants to have sex and has always seemed uncomfortable with even the idea of it (except when it came to having a family). Occasionally he’s not completely against it and I can persuade him into it but there’s no pull, it’s always me pushing. A number of times we’ve had arguments and he’s got deeply upset - for me it’s a critical part of a healthy relationship and for my own self esteem. He’s got so uncomfortable there have been tears when we’ve been doing it and we’ve stopped and argued. I can’t understand why he’s so disinterested in me and feel sad and hopeless that I always have to be the one who brings it up as something we need to work on (by doing). He’s accused me of being coercive, manipulative and abusive, because he’s felt pressured because I’m annoyed and upset when we don’t do it, because it feels like total rejection which I obviously find difficult emotionally to process and handle.
In time maybe we’ll have marriage counselling but for now I’m at my wits end - it’s clearly never going to be a priority for him and I’m sure he’s just going to dig in deeper with his position that even if we have a sexless marriage, I shouldn’t have a right to talk to him about this if it’s going to make him feel pressured or uncomfortable. It feels incompatible in a very fundamental way, is it time for me to think about finding a healthier relationship?

I can’t get over the fact that ‘a few’ times you’ve persuaded him, he’s started crying, the process has stopped and then you’ve argued.

Im appalled to be honest. If this was a man describing this scenario about his female partner everyone would be saying this was abuse - which it is.

you both have a right here - you to leaving and finding happiness and him to not being coerced, bullied into sex and then being reprimanded for crying when he’s tried

You claim to love him, but love does not include being angry at someone when they’ve cried during sex that they’d already made white plain they didn’t really want.

this isn’t love.

You have my sympathy op. I'm not in the exact same situation but somewhat similar regarding sex. My husband gradually became less interested and we both suffered from depression (he still does). We started on medication and I was able to come off them and slowly my libido came back but this wasn't the case for him. He's very reluctant to go to his gp about most things, we spoke about it countless times and he acknowledged that him never wanting sex wasn't doing my self esteem any favours, me trying to "convince" him to when he knew he wouldn't be able to perform wasn't helping his either but we needed to come to a solution as we love each other and both want kids.

Long story short, his gp refused to give him pills but just talking about it with someone other than me helped enough that we had sex twice in 3 days... we were lucky if it was once a year the previous 4 years. Counselling is our next step if we end up going backwards.

It does sound like he maybe has some childhood trauma/is gay or is maybe just not interested in sex. I fully appreciate that it's makes you feel shit, I was the same and still am sometimes but my husband was able to talk about it and is committed to working on it whereas your husband doesn't seem to be.

I'd suggest counselling and maybe couples counselling so he can work on himself and open up to someone in a safe space and you can work on intimacy together as well. I really hope it works out and if not, you've given it your all and will find what you need with the next person x

Also, this has underlined random words as I've typed so I apologise if it posts that way 😂

Good grief you are practically raping him. How do you think that is going to fix things? How do you think this is in any way ok? Is this a reverse from 1953?

Leave the poor man alone. Get separate counselling. Buy a Rabbit. Consider separation.

Sounds like he could be battling with sexuality ?
Surely if it were trauma / sexual abuse he would have confided in you and not see you suffer like this ?

A number of times we’ve had arguments and he’s got deeply upset - for me it’s a critical part of a healthy relationship and for my own self esteem.

So in that case you should understand that this isn't a healthy relationship.
He can't make himself want sex for your self esteem.

He’s got so uncomfortable there have been tears when we’ve been doing it and we’ve stopped and argued

This is so worrying. He quite clearly doesn't want to. He's not choosing to cry and make you feel bad.

and feel sad and hopeless that I always have to be the one who brings it up as something we need to work on (by doing).

Of course you're the one who brings it up. He quite clearly does not want to do it.

He’s accused me of being coercive, manipulative and abusive, because he’s felt pressured because I’m annoyed and upset when we don’t do it, because it feels like total rejection which I obviously find difficult emotionally to process and handle.

It IS coercive.

In time maybe we’ll have marriage counselling

Counselling won't fix this.

I'd imagine that he's either asexual or gay, or that he has a history of sexual trauma.
Counselling won't change him being asexual or gay, and while it could help him have a sex life in future if this is as a result of sexual trauma, the likelihood of him getting to that place with you would be tiny because he will now have suffered some sexual trauma within your relationship.

It feels incompatible in a very fundamental way, is it time for me to think about finding a healthier relationship?

Yes

Is not fair on either of you.

End the marriage. Move on.

Exactly this happened to me, OP. He turned out to be gay and is now living happily with his boyfriend.

Not true some men tend to bottle things up not actually show emotions and the shame he’ll be carry will be enormous to him

I'm getting the feeling that there's something more behind his tears than just not being interested in sex. It sounds as if he has deep issues around it. Try and get him to open up to you, if he can't, suggest that he sees someone. For a man to cry halfway through sex, there is clearly more going on than not being in the mood. Hoping you can resolve some issues ❤

Exactly this. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. This set up is not healthy.

A relationship without sex is not a relationship in my view. It needs passion.

Nobody should feel they have to have sex with someone, but there should be no complaints or surprises if someone chooses to walk away.

I think you probably need to end the marriage. The alternative being you stay married and you look outside for a sexual relationship, but that comes with its own problems. YANBU to want to have sex with your husband, but for whatever reason he finds that difficult and very distressing unless it's for procreation. That is not normal. I would be wondering about what's happened to him to make him feel like that about it or if he's really gay but trying not to be.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. The two of you need to work through this somehow and I think I would be getting counselling about your marriage for yourself individually, he definitely needs it on his own and you need to both work out the best way to fix this very big elephant in your marriage.

Hi Similar situation here, ive been with my man 2 years and have sex every 3-4 months. In contemplating leaving.

What i have learnt is that if sex is important to you, that is ok and if it isnt important to him thats ok too. But you both have to be able to talk about it.

I understand that him not wanting to have sex with you will make you feel unattractive and lower your self esteem. Sex is nother expression for love, and for me i find it helps strengthen my emotional connection. Without it your resentment will just grow, you will hate him for not wanting you.

The above feelings are natural. Its a primitive drive, your brain wants sex to produce babies. If someone isnt fulfilling that your brain will get annoyed to push you to have sex. This primitive drive is different in everyone.

The reasons for lack of sex in your relationship could be a myriad of possibles.
The only way to establish why, would be to have a frank and honest conversation
about all aspects of your marriage, including all the problem areas. The emphasis is on the words frank and honest.
This will be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but given the alternatives I don’t think you have much choice.