I don't know how to leave

[dancinggoosey]

I want to leave my DP, but I don't know how to/am scared of doing it. We have two small DC and I'm so sad for them and anxious about it - they are such happy little kids. We are both very involved parents.

We own a house together. We only bought it a year ago. We live in Ireland where house and rental prices are sky high. I don't think I can afford to leave and I feel so trapped by this. I'm sad and embarrassed at the thought of selling our house after only a year. I feel ashamed to tell people we are splitting up. I'm not even sure if selling the house will be enough to buy again. I can't afford to rent a 2/3 bed place on my salary in a location which is commutable to work, and then there is also the childcare costs as well. My salary isn't even that low - it's just expensive here. He's in the same situation. I feel so trapped. Neither of us are Irish so we don't have family support here, and we are from different countries originally so I can't take the children back to my country.

I can't bear him though. It's impossible to discuss anything about our relationship with him. His approach is to raise his voice, talk loud and fast over me and place all the blame with me. In front of the children too. He has no filter and doesn't care what they may hear or the impact on them. He defends himself by twisting any conversation to be my fault which is exhausting to engage with. He will throw anything and everything at me in an attempt to divert the blame off himself (even if I'm not actually blaming him!). I've tried all the tactics to engage with him - staying calm, rational/objective or arguing back, standing my ground/arguing in the way he does etc but either way he has the same approach. I feel so beaten down by him (this is of course my fault too). There is never any resolution or agreement and I don't look for it anymore. He is seems unscathed after these. I think he enjoys the discharge of frustration to be honest. Apparently these arguments don't affect how he feels and still loves me so much???

There is no physical intimacy. I can't bear to let him near me feeling the way I do. I can't imagine ever wanting to be intimate with him again. I feel like that ship has sailed and I have too much resentment inside me now. This is also a stick to beat me with - how I am depriving him of a loving close relationship, when he does so much for me and loves me so much... Apparently he accepts this because he is so committed to his family.

So.. I just don't know how to leave him. He won't accept it's over. I can't believe anyone could be happy living this way. It all feel exhausting.

Hi OP. I am so sorry for your situation. I don't have any advice really, but hopefully people will be along who do.

All I would say is you shouldn't have to live this way. It is exhausting living with someone who is perpetually shifting the blame, and I bet it means there are loads of issues you never raise just to avoid a row, which means you end up living on eggshells and also getting increasingly frustrated at having to swallow your irritation all the time. That's how I am, at least, in a similar sounding situation.

You do need to leave, however, for yourself, but also for your children, who are growing up in that atmosphere and learning how never accepting responsibility and blaming others for your mistakes is the way to be an adult.

It's hard though, and I haven't done it so am in no position to give you advice!

Others will be along soon though, and I am sure there are organisations in Ireland, like Women's Aid here in the UK, that can help you too.

Good.luck OP!

I’m so sorry to hear this. But clearly it’s over and you need to leave for the children’s long term mental health let alone yours.

It’s all very confusing, so for the moment try to put aside the emotional stuff (embarrassment, guilt etc) and focus on the practicalities. Would you share the children 50:50? In which case, accepting that it is going to be a lifestyle hit in the short term, what can you afford? Is a longer commute more manageable than a smaller flat near work? Could you move jobs? There will be a way of making it work if you can accept that it won’t be as comfortable a way to live.

It’s possible he knows it’s over but just wants you to be the one to make the tough decision. Stick to your guns.

So sorry to hear this OP. Would he agree to couples counselling/therapy do you think? Not to fix things necessarily but to agree on terms for separation?

Do you have any family or close friends who can support you, either practically or emotionally (or both)?

Also - I understand the feeling of being trapped but there are nearly always options, things to explore, ways around obstacles.

Very similar situation to you OP. Not in Ireland and my children are older. I don't have an answer I'm afraid. Just showing solidarity

Thank you all so much for your replies. We are on holiday at the moment so I haven't been able to reply until now as we've been out on day trips and then busy with the DCs.

I feel a bit less stressed about it all at the moment, but I know this feeling won't last and it will crop up again soon enough. Even the days which are okay, are not okay really. There is no real closeness between the two of us - just enjoyment in being with our lovely children.

I have thought about couple counselling but I don't know..I don't feel keen. It feels pointless to me. We had a few sessions after my second child was born and I was struggling with him then. He is the kind of man who likes to outwardly come across as very nice, polite and courteous (another stick I get beaten with as I am apparently not polite enough) so during the sessions he will listen with the counsellor and we will agree over what the main issues are... so far so good... but afterwards there is just nothing - he doesn't seem to engage in any sort of self reflection, or see any benefit in discussing together about how we might approach things differently, or anything on a deeper level?? It all feels really surface level and this, for me now, sums him up perfectly in general. He doesn't seem to look inward at all. He's fine. That's it. And he will defend this to the nth degree when challenged on anything.

So there is never any development of our relationship because interactions which would encourage this (talking meaningfully, listening with empathy etc) just don't exist with him and in fact more than that he doesn't seem to really want to have them.

I know there are always ways to overcome obstacles, but didn't account for how powerful the feelings can be around breaking up a family when children are involved. I'm really struggling with this. Also I really won't know where we can realistically afford to live. There is a housing crisis over here.

This feels exactly like my situation completely. I can’t bear my husband to touch me anymore and all he can do is make sarcastic comments about having sex. He once accused me of emotionally abusing him but I feel like it’s the other way around.

@dancinggoosey

The first thing to do is get a clear picture of your own finances, your salary and any debt you'll have to take with you. The second thing to do is actually do research into cost of living. Then compare your income with a realistic cost of living and make a budget. That starts to get rid of "I don't think I can afford it". If it looks like you 'can't', then take a good look at your 'wants' and expectations and see if those can't be changed. A smaller house? A flat instead of a house? Can DC share so you need less bedrooms? Moving a little bit further out? Sometimes leaving means a lowering of one's standard of living. I don't mean to live in a slum or in a cardboard box. Just that you may have to go from a 3 bed, 2 bath home into a 2 bed, 1 bath flat in order to find your peace. That's the decision you'll have to make. My BFF went from a big house into a tiny 1 bedroom, 1 bath cottage with a 'kitchenette'. She had her 2 year old's bed in with her. But she was as happy as if she were living in Buck Palace, because she was away from 'him'. After she got a better job and a good handle on things she moved into a 2 bed rental house, and eventually bought a small 3/2 house. She had to start 'low' and work her way up.

Or you can decide to stay where you are and 'emotionally' divorce him. Carve out your own separate life and let him take care of himself. But that's not so easy to do unless he feels the same way you do.