Stood up, casual relationship, ending things

[bonsaibillie]

Ok bit of a backstory.

DH and I separated 18 months ago. For 12 months I went through a large period of growth, trying to sort my head out and generally knuckle down into coparenting and work.

6 months ago I started dipping my toe into the OLD world... woah! Terrifying.

Around the same time someone who I have worked with for years, but haven't spoken to very much, started to show an interest.

Now, I have to hold my hands up here and say that there have been enough "pink" flags to add up to "red". Nothing abusive or anything like that... but there's definitely an inconsistency to his approach and I am certain there's been occasions where he has lied to me.

But, because Im a fool I fancied him like mad and we quickly fell into a casual relationship, which suited us both. The sex was amazing which blinded me a little. However when we aren't physically together we often speak constantly over text, like friends really... he's shared a lot with me and I have him too.

Anyway, the last week I noticed his approach was a little different. I started to match his energy and had planned to send a message saying it wasn't working for me anymore. However, he then messaged asking if he could see me this week and we made plans for him to come over and watch a film.

Fast forward to this evening, usually he gets here around 7pm. Nothing. Gets to 8 and he sends a random message and then asks if I still want him to pop over or if I'm busy. Says that he got caught up with errands.

To be honest, as annoyed as I am, I'm annoyed with myself because this, coupled with the shift in energy lately... I should have trusted my own instincts and ended this situationship sooner. I think if I'm honest I do have an anxious attachment style and trust issues and a casual relationship doesn't work for me. Im more annoyed with myself than I am at him.

I do think he likes me, but not in the way that it's ever going to go anywhere. We do work together so I don't want to just block him.

Im wondering - how do I end it politely without sounding like Im in a strip or that I'm madly in love with him?

Ahhh i could have written this post myself a week or so ago.

if you’d like to retain your colleague relationship I would keep it to a breezy text so no one loses face. Something like ‘I’m sensing this dynamic isn’t really working for us but it’s been fun! Can we go back to being mates and take out the fwb element?’

@33goingunder oh really!? I'm sorry to hear that. Are you doing ok and did you break things off too?

It sounds like it’s fizzling so I’d probably just leave it to do that. Like if he gets in touch again be vague, non committal or brief. It doesn’t sound like you owe him anything and he’ll get the message.

Maybe something like this - ‘getting the feeling like this has run its course. Aren’t you? Hope we can stay friends, it was fun while it lasted.’

it is not a direct rejection & he can walk away going yep you are right.

He asked if I still wanted him to come over this evening. I said no (politely) and he then asked if I was free at the weekend. I said that I'm not. I don't understand why if he's lost interest he doesn't just leave it all together, I guess he's one of those guys who wants to keep his options open.

Ahhhhh, this single world is tough!! I was sheltered in married life for too long.

Thankyou for the replies all.

@bonsaibillie well in my case it was me who confronted the change in vibe/dip in communication by suggesting a neutral meet. A little different in the sense we had been dating for several months, but I got him to admit he wasn’t committed. This is despite him offering me to come over as normal earlier in the day! So a bit like your chap in terms of keeping options open. I wasn’t interested at that point either but however you cut it, clarity is a gift. No response is a response etc.

im glad I’m not involved with someone dishing out immature behaviour. I deserve more and so do you.

I assume he's asking if he can come over because he's hoping for sex.

When I read your message it wasn't immediately clear to me what you want.

You like him?
But you what to end things because you sense he doesn't give you what you need?

If that's the case I would have an honest discussion with him before you end things.

Apologies if I have misunderstood.