Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to retreat into myself and away from my relationship

15 replies

PurpleO · 18/07/2023 17:50

It was about 4 years ago when I noticed my partner became less interested in sex. He seems to be able to masturbate but it was a flop with me. Sex became less and less. I realised a problem when months went by and we stayed over night in a hotel and still there wasn't any sex between us. We even went away on holidays together. I can't remember the holidays. If we tried once or not. I can't remember. Sex only happened once in 2020 and about the same in 2021. After 2021s attempt. I gave up trying in the bedroom. There was no point. I was putting in all the effort just for him to masturbate and he was never able to fully perform with me.

He took a new job in 2020 and he's working the opposite schedule as me and different days too. Whereas before that, we met on a Sunday and Sundays were always our days. We always met on a Sunday and we dated on Sundays. As time went on, we met more and more. He told me he never worked on Sundays.

Anyways he took a new job. I typically work Monday to Friday. He took on a new job with Tuesdays and Wednesdays off and working every other day of the week.

We developed a new routine then.

He wanted to go away on holidays this summer and the idea was lovely. It would be good to spend some time together but we did that last year and even then there was no sex between us. The idea of another sexless holiday didn't appeal to me and so I refused to go away on holidays this time.

Now his schedule is being turned upside down in work. The schedule he had and the routine we had - all gone. So now whatever little dates we had - gone.

We are both living separate lives now. Working different schedule. No dates. No sex. There's no joy in this relationship any more.

This past month has been hectic for me. First work was intense and then I had my own holiday with my family. This week, there is a gap in my schedule where we can spend some time together but all he's done was make excuses so far. The writing is on the cards right now that he has completely checked out from this relationship - no sex, no spending time together, now making excuses.

Why is he doing this to me?

All I want to do right now is retreat into myself. Watch a dvd with ice cream. Go away for a weekend - alone with my crochet. Go to the zoo for a weekend - alone. I want to retreat into myself.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 18/07/2023 17:54

Look for the other woman.

DustyLee123 · 18/07/2023 17:57

Porn.
Move on, go get shagged !

HowAmYa · 18/07/2023 17:58

Ignore pp.
Focus your time on making yourself happy rather than looking for anything else. It's clear you've muddled along sexless for his sake.
Ditch. Find yourself instead x

GardeningIdiot · 18/07/2023 18:01

All I want to do right now is retreat into myself. Watch a dvd with ice cream. Go away for a weekend - alone with my crochet. Go to the zoo for a weekend - alone. I want to retreat into myself.

Do exactly this. It's a good starting point.

Dery · 18/07/2023 18:25

“All I want to do right now is retreat into myself. Watch a dvd with ice cream. Go away for a weekend - alone with my crochet. Go to the zoo for a weekend - alone. I want to retreat into myself.”

Why not do that? What you’re describing isn’t much of a partnership anyway and hasn’t met your needs for years. What’s stopping you moving on?

Watchkeys · 18/07/2023 18:28

Why is he doing this to me

He's not doing anything to you. He just isn't doing what you want him to do, which is his prerogative. He can do what he likes.

The key point is that you don't have to stay, if you don't like it, so, in fact, you are doing this to you. Stop. It's in your hands. Do what you want to do. Why would you do otherwise?

Original poster
PurpleO · 18/07/2023 18:29

I don't think there is another woman. If there was another woman, how can he carry this for 4 years?
I think porn would be more likely.

There's a few different issues in this relationship.

  • the sex is gone. There's no sexual intimacy ever.
  • then the dates are gone. Time spent together gone. I do t know if that was deliberate on his part to avoid sex with me.
Sundays were always our day and now he spends every Sunday working.

He does make an effort with me at times. If theres any family functions either side we make time for that together as a couple but that's it. She was suggesting holidays this year but I refused because I am heartbroken. The idea of going away on holidays and being smacked in the face with such sexlessness doesn't appeal to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleO · 18/07/2023 18:37

I remember one night after attending a wedding together, we were both so tired. I fell asleep with him but I was too tired to take of my underwear. I wore stockings and suspenders to bed. He never once responded to them. In fact he was very fast to get out of bed. Completely avoiding any sexual intimacy with me.

OP posts:
Smoothiecarton · 18/07/2023 18:42

Honestly why dwell on the why? It’s been going on so long that even if there was a massive shift you’d still question his past rejection , or wondering about his renewed enthusiasm, or wondering when it’s going to go to shit again.
What’s stopping you moving on?
is it a belief that if you change something about yourself it’ll improve? Doubtful. You’ll just grow to massively resent him for his lack of affection.

WtP · 18/07/2023 18:58

You need to get out of this relationship ASAP.
I'm assuming you are fairly young if so you will be swamped by people that wish to treat you like you deserve to be & if your a bit older then prepare to be surprised how many want to see you loved.
I'm constantly shocked at how many people stay in loveless relationships when there are so many people out thee wanting to give their love to another.

frozendaisy · 19/07/2023 07:43

Just cut ties OP.

Perhaps agree to be friends and attend family events but say you can't carry on in this non relationship relationship.

MintJulia · 19/07/2023 08:24

It doesn't matter why (although porn or having discovered he's gay would be my guess).

The simple fact is you are lonely, unhappy and feel unloved. He is using you as cover and to pay half the mortgage and bills. Plus presumably do a load of domestic stuff.

That can't go on. It's time to call it a day. Go and find someone who loves and desires you.

SunflowerTed · 19/07/2023 08:34

PurpleO · 18/07/2023 17:50

It was about 4 years ago when I noticed my partner became less interested in sex. He seems to be able to masturbate but it was a flop with me. Sex became less and less. I realised a problem when months went by and we stayed over night in a hotel and still there wasn't any sex between us. We even went away on holidays together. I can't remember the holidays. If we tried once or not. I can't remember. Sex only happened once in 2020 and about the same in 2021. After 2021s attempt. I gave up trying in the bedroom. There was no point. I was putting in all the effort just for him to masturbate and he was never able to fully perform with me.

He took a new job in 2020 and he's working the opposite schedule as me and different days too. Whereas before that, we met on a Sunday and Sundays were always our days. We always met on a Sunday and we dated on Sundays. As time went on, we met more and more. He told me he never worked on Sundays.

Anyways he took a new job. I typically work Monday to Friday. He took on a new job with Tuesdays and Wednesdays off and working every other day of the week.

We developed a new routine then.

He wanted to go away on holidays this summer and the idea was lovely. It would be good to spend some time together but we did that last year and even then there was no sex between us. The idea of another sexless holiday didn't appeal to me and so I refused to go away on holidays this time.

Now his schedule is being turned upside down in work. The schedule he had and the routine we had - all gone. So now whatever little dates we had - gone.

We are both living separate lives now. Working different schedule. No dates. No sex. There's no joy in this relationship any more.

This past month has been hectic for me. First work was intense and then I had my own holiday with my family. This week, there is a gap in my schedule where we can spend some time together but all he's done was make excuses so far. The writing is on the cards right now that he has completely checked out from this relationship - no sex, no spending time together, now making excuses.

Why is he doing this to me?

All I want to do right now is retreat into myself. Watch a dvd with ice cream. Go away for a weekend - alone with my crochet. Go to the zoo for a weekend - alone. I want to retreat into myself.

Not sure what you are getting from this relationship?!

Jujubes5 · 19/07/2023 08:43

Perhaps he’s gay

LMNT · 19/07/2023 08:49

My first thought was that he’s gay and is afraid to tell you.

However it’s a moot point because you’re not getting what you need out of the relationship regardless of the reasons why.

The question isn’t “why is he doing this to me?”, it’s “why are you staying in a dead relationship?”

New posts on this thread. Refresh page