Separation from husband, not coping well. What is going on? Abuse or affair?

[Gemski38]

Hello

I posted in February that i had left my husband of 10 years, due to us having a very bad patch. Him going through my phone, reading all my texts to friends, calling me names, saying im a lesbian, weird, odd, a liar etc etc..

We are 5 months in and he has

• Been caught messaging a young 30 year old from the gym, literally weeks after i left. Then proceeded to say i was crazy an paranoid when i had a gut feeling over it. Asked her and she said, yip they'd been messaging for a while.
• Went really really nasty, ignoring me, calling me names, insecure, controlling, cold, ive abused HIM, HE feels unloved, shit wife etc etc
• Then comes back, loves me, wants to make it work, lets reconciliate, then back to cold and nasty again

So 2 weeks ago after 5 months of agony i had made my decision, i was going back, we were going to try again and get counselling, he was sending me links to houses to look at as we talked about selling family home and buying a new house for us all.. that was Friday, Saturday the girl from the gym came up, i simply said how hurt and insecure i felt, he went NUTS. Said "lets call it a fucking day shall we"

Ignored me totally for 2 days, then for 5 days, was texting saying its all me, im a hit wife, shit person, ive changed since i started uni, he doesn't like the fact i go for walks and food with uni friends, slagging uni friends off.. on and on and on.. Then for 2 days, demanding to know who men on my Instagram were?? Saying i act single (i dont), i disrespect him by the leggings i wear to the gym, tight jeans etc - Literally torn me to shreds

I was hysterical for a week, as the week before we were sorting it out, now this 😭My poor parents have been so worried and are so fed up of this with him

I texted him and said that i was done, i couldnt take anymore, it was killing me as its clear he doesnt want to be with me

Now he is back, saying he loves me, wants to sort it out 😳

5 months of this

Abusive, mid life crisis, affair?? What is going on xx

He only loves you when he can control you.

You are almost out of this mess.

Don't go back.

End it for good this time.

Hey get rid of this absolute loser. What a head wrecker he is.

What's going on is your marriage is over.

People don't act at their best at such times.

Unlikely he's having an affair. He's being very unpleasant. I'm not sure why a label like abuse or affair is needed.

Stay away from him. Your mind and body can then settle and you'll see what any outsider can see that this is over and any contact between the two of you will make it worse.

I'm glad your parents are supportive. End of relationships are very hard but you must work to stop cycling like this. It does more damage to your peace of mind.

Why on Earth did you even consider going back the first time? That's complete madness.
You don't need to think about what's going on with him, you need to work out what you need to do for you,to make you realise you are better then this and deserve more.
Screw him and his ridiculous behaviour. This is not someone you want to waste anymore time with!

He’s controlling and abusive. Walk away and only contact him about any kids you have, nothing else.

Who cares what it is. Just get rid of him, and get your life back.

Control. That's all that's happening. Don't fall for it. Find the strength to leave and call it a day
Save any msgs of abuse from him. But don't rise to it. Everyone will see what a controlling manipulative twat he is

Hes projecting. He knows he wants this woman, if he hasnt already and picking holes in you so it puts you off asking. Typical gaslighting. Also he was fuming because you approached her, he wanted to come across to other woman as different person and he knows its probably jeopardised this possible fling. Hes angry. Hes no right to be angry, id be ripping him a new one tbh, whilst the door hit him on the way out.

Affair - so obviously projecting with his accusations of trying to flirt/attract male attention. He’s telling you what he would be after if he was going for walks with friends of the opposite sex or if he was checking them out on line or going to the gym or wearing clothes ie he wears clothes he thinks will attract others or checks out ladies wearing similar clothes

Yes probably a midlife crisis or grass is greener situation. He is blaming you so he is the nice guy and you are the ‘evil wife’ who drove him to it. He’s low value though - his lack of integrity and self respect make him a poor partner.

Cognitive dissonance at work - how can he be nasty cheaty man when a lady is blowing smoke up his rear end about how amazing and sexy and clever he is? Must be wifeys fault. He wants to exit smelling of roses and blaming you for driving him to it. It’s boring and it’s the script.

The crazy thing is he expects monogamy from you. Only he is allowed 100% of his needs to be met. He doesn’t want to be challenged as then he may have to look into his kibble-less soul and make a change. He’s a shit bag.

Read how to help my spouse heal from my affair and Not Just Friends. Both of which will explain the predictable process their brain goes through. Also cheating in a nutshell - so when you understand what your brain is doing and why it’s nigh on impossible to reconcile after establishing he is cheating.

To lie to your partner is a form of control as it takes away their agency and ability to make a fully informed decision. He will no doubt tell you you are controlling and that’s why he hides things. Boringly predictable. I am sorry you are in this situation.

Google the 180 and do it for You. Look after yourself and leave mr cheaty pants to realise the grass is only greener until he’s the one tending it.

He's crackers.

He's also cheating. They always get angry when challenged over this and deflect onto you. That means they declare all your failings.

He's a particularly disgusting man.

Please shut him down and do not entertain any part of his hideous behaviour anymore. You are worth so much more than him.

Please recognise that he is a very low value individual. You are not.

Too.much.drama.

That's what's going on.

Have done, for good.
He's not the one for you.

Relationships should feel safe and loving and for the most part as easy as breathing.

This guy is shit, the relationship is shit and it'll continue to be shit. Stop driving yourself nuts by dating the asshole.

Choose you

Oh you need to put that fish back in the sea sweetie!

He's reeling you in, casting you out, reeling you back in... It's emotional abuse (join the club - we have badges!) He's trying to break you and create a trauma bond where you can't be without him and put up with his crap just to keep him happy.

Do not fall for it!!

Cut that line and throw that fish way way out to sea. He's already working or reeling in gym girl - they always have a back up.

The sh#t will hit the fan, he will throw a load of abuse your way because he didn't get what he wanted which was a house maid and some fluff on the side. But you don't have to deal with that. Tell him you're done permanently and immediately block him on all platforms.

He like winning you round, but once he's got you he's bored and seeks others. So every time you tell him it's over, he chases.
Say nothing, all the while sorting details out with a solicitor. Let him know you are done when you have to.

Zombie thread

You're almost there, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel... just keep walking and get away from this man who is absolute waste of oxygen. You deserve better. Choose yourself and don't go back to the misery, he's proved he won't change and it'll only get worse. ❤️ Good luck