Reconciliation after communication breakdown/breakup

[KeyboardClicker]

DP and I split up recently after a series of miscommunications between us that made us both unhappy. We have very different communication styles and although we don’t have full arguments this has been an issue for us for a while now where we withdraw from each other and get frustrated.

He has not said he doesn’t love me just that he wasn’t happy and didn’t feel it was working and it was unfair to ask me to change. We have not parted on bad terms.

On reflection I was the cause of a lot of these issues expecting him to know how I was feeling and do things he didn’t know he needed to do to make me feel better or just offloading all my stresses and worries onto him and it was unfair. I love him deeply and want him to be happy and recognise that I may have caused him to be unhappy with issues that are my own to manage. For this I am sorry, regret my choices and want to address them.

I am the one who wants reconcile although he is open to talking and has agreed to meet up but said that he isn’t promising anything which is totally fair enough. I am nervous as this could just end up being a sad final goodbye closure conversation so I need to accept it might not work out.

I looked online about how to approach this and I have made a list of things I acknowledge I am accountable for without any blame on the other person. So no statements about me feeling X, but it was cos you did Y.

Things like - I did A and this was unfair on you and I am sorry if this made you feel uncomfortable or unheard. When I said C this was my responsibility to deal with I should not have put this on you.

I have then planned a solution led explanation of things I am going to do by myself to rectify my own issues and communication style and thank him for being supportive and caring.

Has anyone had success in this type of conversation and putting into effect any real changes? I want to avoid it being all about me and my feelings or coming over as emotionally manipulative trying to get him to come back with false promises. I want it to come across as genuine (which it is) so he is able to consider his position fairly.

Are you sure this is mostly on you? Are you able to communicate well with others or in previous relationships? Don't take more responsibility for communication mishaps than is yours to own purely to smooth things. I'm assuming you live apart? Communication by phone is prone to more issues especially text. There's no nuance, written words can be read into, myself and DP have an agreement to call instead of text if we're talking about any kind of delicate issue.

@supercali77 texting has been a major issue. He would ask me if I was ok and I would see this as an invite to offload on him, it would set the tone for a tense evening depending on my mood and texts from the day I had. I have been oblivious to some of my bad habits and I am prepared to acknowledge that they have contributed to communication problems. He is an introverted deep thinker and didn’t always share thoughts or feelings with me and tried to deal with them on his own whilst I tried to rope him into helping with all of mine.

I think he is going to humour me out of politeness but kindly let me know we are incompatible. I have an urge to take a risk into finding out for sure if it’s completely over. He has not asked me to take accountability I am offering it.

I have written some things down and would like to say them without taking all the blame, just for my part in it really. I felt insecure and could communicate this by being moody.

If he does want to give it another go I was going to suggest no texting and only calling and rebuilding our friendship platonically with out of the house meet ups like walks to see if we can learn to communicate in a healthier way.

Did he tell you that was the problem? Or is this guesswork? If its guesswork, and he thinks you're incompatible, id probably be inclined to ask him openly what the issues were for him before you hand over what you think your own shortcomings are. Communication issues can be solved but willingness to solve them has to come from both sides, if he'd rather call it incompatible and end things, despite a conversation, I wouldn't bend yourself into shapes to try and make it work.

@supercali77 yes we have had this conversation more than once in the past. I worry his feelings cannot be revived now and although he cares about me this is too much hard work. I have to be careful not to go into self pity mode or make promises I can’t keep. I don’t want us to keep getting hurt over and over so maybe he is right and we should just let this go. I want to fight for us though, I can’t let go of the feeling to try. This might be internal desperation not to accept that it’s over but he was so open to talking that it has given me some hope. I should not put all my happiness in his hands, my happiness belongs to me.