How to cope with partners health anxiety

[Garlicbutter23]

Please help, has anyone got any experience in coping with a partners health anxiety?

My DH has had this ongoing for around 3 years now following a cancer scare (which thankfully turned out to be nothing). He has tried therapy already and we cannot afford another round.

As time has gone on, I've found myself becoming resentful towards him. I love him dearly but it is so draining. Everyday he finds something new, be it a lump, something different about his stool or a phantom pain to fixate on.

I could just about handle/learn to ignore it before but I'm currently 9 months pregnant, about to drop. It's been a difficult pregnancy yet everything has been about his fictitious ailments as opposed to my real one's that impact on not just myself now.

So many of our conversations always lead back to his health, it's exhausting & now I'm full term, in all honesty it's really getting me down, I cry most days, worrying about his behaviour around our child growing up, whether or not his anxieties will always take precedence over us. What can I do?

It sounds like he needs to go to the GP and go on anxiety medication.

You can't live like this.

You deserve support. If you're not getting it at this moment on your life- then really you never will, right?

It will always be about him.

I don't have experience of dealing with a partner with it.
I was the partner with it.
All you can do is support but without enabling it. Firm but fair kind of attitude. I can imagine how difficult it is for you.
Obviously first port of call is doctors, but at my worst I wouldn't take the medication - obviously it would kill me.
I had CBT, I self referred online through NHS.
There is a man on YouTube called Trey Jones. His videos really helped me and he has a course he created (should be in the descriptions of his videos), that course is what made all the difference, partly due to the fact I felt fully understood.
The book and app DARE by Barry McDonagh is fantastic too.
As is Hope and Help for your nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. These are resources for him but I promise they changed my life.
I'm fine now. 3 years ago I was literally writing goodbye letters to my kids, it was a horrific time in my life.
Please try not to dismiss as what he is feeling is very real to him despite the fact it may seem very far fetched and be extremely draining for you.
I wish you & your partner the best of luck.

Just to add, the CBT was useless

He needs to be taking anti anxiety meds and sorting himself out. Are you going to stay with someone who can’t be a good partner to you?

I am the one with health anxiety in my house. Your dh needs to take medication for anxiety. It doesnt stop the anxiety completely, but does make it more manageable. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this while also managing your pregnancy. I can promise you it is a miserable existence having HA and I am sure that if your dh could shake it off, he would. CBT did little for me, but medication did help.

DH has got health anxiety. Probably the lowest point of our marriage was when my Dad was dying of cancer and DH asked if he should see the Doctor too as he had had twinges... I blew up like a keg of dynamite.

I don't enable it AT all. He gets cut off the moment he starts to talk about it, and gets the "I'm not medically trained, you need to talk about this to someone who is" each and every time. It can very easily take over if you don't. It's an illogical thought and you can't even begin to try to apply logic to it, if that makes sense.

Truthfully, I think it's OK to say that he has to sort this or you're worried for your future together.

@MissPixel

Thank you so much for sharing, this is just the kind of thing I was hoping for. I try to simply acknowledge but not encourage his train of thoughts, but it's hard sometimes not to come across as completely dismissive. I'll start with the YouTube videos as a starter for 10.

Agreed, it was CBT he originally tried but not long after his Dr had agreed to end the sessions, the coping mechanisms & exercises weren't working for him. Cost us a lot of money too as not available for self-referral here in Wales unfortunately.

Hey OP. I am the one in my relationship with the health anxiety. I never experienced it until I left home and moved into my own house. It just started happening then, I had this intense fear something bad would happen to me and I wouldn’t get to continue living my current life… I’d worry I’d get too I’ll to work… every sort of dreadful scenario. My husband is very understanding, sometimes the more he listens the more I want to talk about it. He never tells me to put a sock in it, but maybe he should. I know I can be an absolute drain on him but I don’t mean to be, I just have nobody else to turn to! Your husband is probably seeking assurance from the person he trusts most, keep that in mind, I know it’s dreadfully annoying but maybe he’s like me, and he fears losing the wonderful life he has now? I did CBT and it was of no use. I think my mindset is just too stubborn to change. One of the things suggested to me by the therapist was ‘if you did get a really bad disease, what could you do about it anyway? That was my last time there. It really doesn’t suit some people. I did get meds from my GP who told me I had GAD, but really I know myself it’s just Health, that’s all I’m anxious about. I think you need to be a little more firm with him, set yourself a limit. Best of luck with your new baby when they make an appearance x