Is my marriage ending due to upbringing ?

[fluffynotebook]

I need some outside perspective... I'm going through a rough time at the moment and I don't know what to do. To give it some context I've recently switched careers and I'm now doing something that I massively enjoy and can make a difference in. Part of this change has forced me to look inwards and work on myself to discover why I am the way I am because I was being triggered when I first started. Anyway, I've realised that for the most part of my childhood I was neglected emotionally and it's made me realise why I've suffered with anxiety, become a people pleaser, hyper-indepent and not able to voice my needs. I met my husband when I was young and we have two beautiful DDs together. Back when we first met I was very young and would have entered the relationship without the lens that I have now and fallen into the same relationship style. I've realised he can't support me emotionally now and I don't know what to do. Do I work at it for the sake of my daughters or call it a day? We've been together quite a while, around 20 years. And aside from that I'm really struggling with the fact that he and my eldest daughter grate on each other, he is quick to anger with her and I don't know what to do. :(

Hopeful bump...

It’s such a tough one. Like you, I was emotionally neglected as a child and exactly the same personality traits/process as you described. Me and my DH took time for him to become more emotionally mature/involved. He still lacks some immediate compassion but once I’ve explained my feelings/reaction he’s got better. Do you think it’s just a no goer with DH in him learning empathy/emotional maturity etc?

Ultimately you have to follow your gut on ending a relationship, we can all give our perspectives and advice but remember no one is perfect, we get things out of people in different ways; you might have a very empathetic friend but they can’t dedicate time to you due to life getting in the way, you might have an emotionally closed DH but he’s great in many other ways etc. so you find ways to navigate your life in ways where you get support from everyone in it, not just one person, our partners can’t be our everything unfortunately.

I suppose it depends how important those traits are to you in your husband. If you can get your emotional needs meet elsewhere, that's no bad thing. Perhaps your husband has other good traits: does he persevere, is he a hard worker, is he generous. What were you attracted to in him? If you actually can't think of many positive traits then maybe it's not just the emotional aspect of your relationship and your using that to highlight a general unhappiness.