Non contact with MIL - now she is dying

[tiggercat02]

I have changed my user name for this, as it is a really outing post.

My MIL has always been a very difficult character. She is racist, misogynistic, lies purely to cause trouble. She was an awful mother to my dh and his brother. There was social care involvement and abusive behaviour from her partner towards her sons which she allowed. She was also abused too.

We have all put up with it for most of the last 30 plus years. I could see her personality from very early on - she used to phone me purely to upset me, would say deliberately nasty things designed to make me feel bad. I was able to take a step back and ensure that I protected my dd and myself from it as much as possible. DH wasn't ready to do the same for a long time - he was completely blind to the fact that she was a terrible person. About 15 years ago he had some therapy and this enabled him to realise that his childhood had been awful and she didn't do a good job as a mother and it was ok to think that. Our dd had a reasonable relationship with her on the surface. I ensured that they didn't spend as much time together as MIL would have liked (ie she wanted to take dd on holiday etc and for nights away and we didn't allow this). I also always politely but firmly challenged MIL when she spoke rubbish in front of dd (mostly around race, occasionally around other relatives). As dd grew older she saw her grandmother for what she was but still tried to have a relationship with her.

3 years ago MIL became very ill. Since then she has been practically bed bound, and only leaves the house for medical appointments. She chose not to go into a care home, and we all worked really hard to spend time with her as she was unable to leave the house. As time went on her behaviour became worse and worse, her personality just started to shine through even more strongly. She routinely called my husband a bad person, my dd a "fucking cunt". She was deliberately nasty all the time. One by one we all stopped visiting her and spending time with her. We all made the decision separately.

She has in the last 18 months made very little attempt to contact any of us to find out why. She has sent the odd email saying that she missed my dh. He hasn't responded. She has now sent a message asking for the return of £5k that she said she has given us so that she can put it towards her funeral. She says that she is dying. She has never in her life given or lent us money. Several years ago she told my dh that she had given me money secretly as I had said that we needed it. That is also untrue. Anyway dh has gone back to her and said that he can not recall her giving us the money but if she sends him her bank details he will put £5k into her account. We can afford to do this. She hasn't responded. My guess is that she wanted to start a conversation with dh, and used the lie around the money to open it up. He just wants her to stop contacting him and is willing to give her the money. But he doesn't seem able to make the decision to block her.

My concern is that when she dies (and she may be lying or telling the truth, we don't know) my dd and dh are going to regret not visiting her. I think that they have made the right decision to go no contact but also that they are feeling very guilty about it. I don't want them to feel bad when she dies but nor do I want them to feel regret. It's absolutely not my place to suggest that they visit my MIL - I totally respect their decision. But I feel as though I am waiting for MIL to die and for dh and dd to be really sad about the situation and for me not to be able to do anything to help.

Any suggestions please?

What makes you think they would regret not visiting her? And if they do I'd spend some of that £5k on therapy for them so they can see through it.

I guess if they or just your DH visit her it will be very unpleasant. So if they go expecting her to be awful it won’t be a surprise and they can at least say they drew a line and closed the door. That’s if she really is dying.

I was/am NC with my family of birth for fifty years. I used to worry that it would be too late and I'd regret it, but basically stayed NC. Two of my three sisters have died now. Yes I have feelings about it, but do I regret not seeing them and putting myself into the family insanity again? No.
Chances are they'll be fine and yes therapy is a great idea, I had A LOT of therapy, money well spent IMHO.
Good luck with it all OP and family.

Sounds like she’s horrible and now she’s horrible and may be dying.
Either way she’s horrible, her being ill doesn’t change that

If you have the money, talking this out with a therapist/counsellor might help your DH (and possibly your DD.) Ideally now, while your MIL is still alive. Talking through their decisions not to see her and how they feel about that would be a good start.

The death of a parent can stir up so much and the death of a bad parent can bring up as much if not more than that of a loving parent. Your DH is going to need a lot of support.

Did you influence their decisions to go no contact? I'm wondering if you're misplacing some guilt as its really up to them whether they visit, I'm sure they'll have thought about the fact that she is dying and whether they want to so it seems like it's something you don't need to worry about. I suppose you could just say "ill support you if you do want to visit" maybe your daughter would want to go if you went with her?

I actually regret subjecting myself and my kids to my mother’s tirades in her deathbed. She did not mellow at all, and in fact, she became even worse as she felt no need for a filter. We all needed a lot of therapy afterwards.

They are not going to regret not visiting her. She is reaping what she sowed.

I wouldn't give it another thought.

They are able to make this decision for themselves (assuming your dd is old enough - a teen or older - and if she's not, it's the two of you who will make that decision for her). It sounds like your dh just wants her to stop contacting him (even to the extent of being willing to pay her money to stop - which won't work by the way). Leave him to his decision. He (and dd) know what is best for them.

I am NC with my mother. Interestingly, she has done the same thing - telling people I took money from her and cut her off because of that. Years ago, she did give me my 'inheritance' early so I think this is probably what she is referring to, but it has nothing to do with why I ended our relationship years later. She very well knows the reason as does everyone else (who have also mostly gone NC with her as a result - as it's all really disturbing).

If she were terminally ill (she is in remission from cancer, so very well could become ill again at any moment), it would be sad. I think it would be sad for anyone to feel they were losing any hope of a relationship with a parent in the future. But in reality, there is no hope of that anyway as the damage done is so severe and the risk is too great to have a relationship with her. If she were truly alone, destitute, on the streets, I can't say I wouldn't do what I could do to get a roof over her head and make sure she was comfortable. But really I would not want to see her and it would only make her death even more painful for me. The relationship is dead in the water already and I would have no regrets about not trying to have a relationship with her again. I know what's best for me and I would imagine your dh and dd do to and I would trust them on that.

The grieving starts when you decide to go NC. He shouldn't go and open that scab. That doesn't mean he won't be upset at her death but it will likely be upset for the mother he wishes that she was.

Im NC with my own father and will not see him before he dies.

I am NC with a parent and if they contacted me I would not reply. Going NC was like a bereavement and I would not go back to the past and make things even worse than they were for me.
There is a movie trope of regretting not being in contact but ime it's more to do with relationships where people were lazy about staying in contact or things drifting over time rather than active abusive situations.
Seeing MIL could do more harm than good- especially if this is a cry for attention than actual health concerns. If it's attention seeking then your daughter and h could be stuck in a miserable spiral for years until she actually dies.

Thank you everyone for your kind and wise responses. So many people seem to be in a similar position. It would break my heart if my dd decided that she had to go no contact with me, I would feel that I have failed as a parent.

In answer to one question, I have absolutely not suggested to dh or dd that they go no contact. It was each completely their own decision. DD is early 20s. I have in the past asked them to think about how they would feel when MIL dies, and whether this would change the decisions that they have made around no contact. They both said no.

MIL has the power to, in particular, hurt and upset DH and has always used this to her advantage. I can not imagine that any visit would go well. She is a nasty and unpleasant person, and always has been. She is no contact with other members of her family too, who years ago had enough of her behaviour. Interesting too that money has been used in an attempt to gain power by other parents.

I am going to suggest to both DD and DH that they might want therapy to process how they feel about MIL. I do think that DH is going to find it very difficult when MIL dies. But as this thread has shown me that isn't a reason for him to get in contact with her.

Thank you.

Long story but growing up my dad was abusive emotionally and physically

me and my mum both few good hidings off him and was genuinely frightened of him
sister was the out and out favourite treat her like a princess
And that is a VERY short version of it

when he died it was left to me and I nursed him at home for 2 weeks
so Glad I did there was absolutely no desire to right wrongs or make up for lost time
but it was my dad and it drew a line under everything I let go of everything I’d carry from growing up

but he was bed ridden and not able to speak so that may of helped

A bit late, but when I was faced with a life - decision, whether to invited both father and mother to wedding, I tried to imagine how I would feel in 10 years' time looking back. Would I regret not inviting them? Would I regret inviting them?

I took the decision not to invite them, with sadness and considerable worry. Well over ten years later, the only regret I have is that it was necessary to take this decision. I wish things were different. But the decision itself was 100% the right one and I haven't regretted it for one moment.

Trying to put myself in the future looking back was quite helpful, might it help you?