Husband not interested in sex since our DD was born

[Liverpoolgirl50]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, married 2. We have a lovely 1 year old DD. I’m 30 and my husband is 29.

We both work fairly demanding jobs but are both home by 6pm, DD is in bed by 7 latest and out for the count until 6am - no night wakes, she is a dream. We eat dinner together after she’s asleep and then watch tv.

Our sex life was never too frequent pre-DD. Maybe once a fortnight - and that was fine (just). However, since she was born he has completely gone off either me, or sex.

We had sex once at Christmas and once for my birthday - but only because I practically begged both times. I try, I really do, but the constant rejection is soul destroying. I also tried to take the pressure off and just have a kiss and cuddle when we are on the sofa of an evening, but he tenses up and gets angry with me because he thinks I want it to lead somewhere (I guess I do).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve voiced my concerns. he says he still wants me but work is stressful. He’s in the same job as he was before. Our DD is a lovely little girl and yes it’s tiring but I do the lions share.

We’ve got to the point where we don’t talk about it now - it’s awkward and I feel heartbroken. I turned 30 this year and it’s not how I pictured my life. I don’t think I’m unattractive and still get lots of attention so what do I do? Wait it out and assume that life with a baby is just a mood killer for him, stop discussing it completely and wait for him to come to me or just leave. Although I don’t want to separate, I love him. But a life without sex at this stage in my life feels pretty depressing.

Thanks x

I am in the same boat as you. I have just accepted this is how it is. It's hard sometimes but everything else is good in our relationship and we still laugh and enjoy each other's company.

Man here, so your DH is 29, he tenses up if you do anything which might lead to sex and he seems to have no desires. A man of tha age would normally to to - ahem - release regularly and often with or without a partner. Have you explored that possibility? Does he masturbate? It sounds to me as though there is a medical or psychological issue (the latter being more likely given his age).

*would normally NEED to

Don't just accept it, you will end up resenting and hating him. It's unlikely you to magically fix itself and it will
eventually destroy your relationship and your self esteem. Tell him how important this is to you and ask him how he thinks you should deal with it. If he isn't able to talk to you about what's going on with him, would he be open to counselling? If you can get him to open up and talk, be prepared that you might not like what you hear. If he loves you and wants to be with you, then he should want to resolve and work on it. If he shuts down and refuses to address it, then your relationship is over.

Did anything ever come of it?

It is a possibility that his sex drive has dropped. Can happen from late 20s/early 30s onwards in some men. (Speaking from personal experience). Yet for some reason, no one talks about this.

Sharp shock discussion " look, if you don't ever want to have sex with me it's only fair that we open up the relationship or look into splitting up and co-parenting". That makes it plain.
You see, people who go off it, for whatever reason, often seem to think they can maintain the status quo, ignore the elephant and carry on regardless, so it's up to you to tell him that's not on.

I agree an issue that needs solving. Interesting that similar threads with roles reversed would likely get different responses.

However, I personally think that something is not right when a young, healthy & happy married couple aren't regularly being intimate.

How is the romance? Sometimes people think men don't need it, but they do. Do you have date nights, do fun stuff etc? Can you maybe make an effort to be more touchy-feely in situations that defo won't lead to sex? Eg holding hands in the street, playing footsie under table at a restaurant etc. just being playful & fun, but where he knows no pressure.

Could it be erectile dysfunction related, or has his body changed & he is self conscious?

Ultimately, you do need to speak to him about what he wants this to look like going forward & changes you can both make (eg could he drop a day at work to be less stressed/ could you have a "date night")

Oh wow this feels like a lifetime ago. I can confirm we now have a 2 year old and a sex life, turns out it was the baby being a mood killer! lol

A happy ending 😊