I don’t know how to act after discovering infidelity

[Havanawinter]

I created a thread on here a couple of days ago after discovering my partner has been to an escort. He originally told me he only went once. Turns out it was actually twice. I don’t believe a single word that’s coming out of his mouth. But something he said to me last night shocked me; he said “why are you still being so nice to me?” I haven’t kicked him out because we have a child with special needs who cannot cope with deviations from his routine. I’m doing it for his sake. I’m not a shouter and screamer typically. I’m very very angry and upset but I’m also practical to a fault and want stability for my children. I wouldn’t say I’m being “nice” to him but I am being cordial and business like.

His comment has made me question what the fuck I’m meant to be doing. Should I ask him to leave? He would go if I asked him to. He’s begged - and k mean literally begged - me not to tell anyone what he’s done which I agreed to although I told him I’d already told two trusted friends because I needed support. Should I still be doing his washing, cooking his food? He’s sleeping in the spare room and has moved his belongings down there. I haven’t made any big decisions because I feel like I need time to come to terms with the enormity of this situation before I do anything permanent.

You ready yourself for the likelihood that it wasn't once, or even twice, and you tell who you need to tell to get thr support that you need at the moment.

As for washing his pants and serving up spag bol....do you want to? Try to get in touch with what you want, what feels right and true, rather than doing the right thing on the outside. I'm really sorry, you're in shock, be kind to yourself most of all.

I don’t know what I want to do. I really, truly don’t. I feel like my whole future has been erased and Saturday was day 1 of the rest of this new normal that I never asked for. I know life will never be the same. Maybe I just don’t know how to function any differently yet. Will it hit me? When? Should I see the GP? Sorry I’m not making much sense.

I think your last sentence is spot on, although I'd be inclined to dial down the things you do for him and make sure they are balanced by things he does for you. If he can't manage or won't accept that, it is probably best he moves out until you have decided where to go from here.

And, as you decide what to do, please don't use the argument "I should forgive him because of my special needs child". If you choose to stay together and to try to move through this, do so because you think it is right for you. The other things will fall into place after that.

You can only know what’s right for you. And that may change from day to day, as you process what’s happened (and potentially, as more information comes to light). You’re probably in survival mode. You’ll go through a whole range of emotions; you’re essentially grieving your relationship, and it takes time.

Take as long as you need, and ask for whatever you need - whether that’s space, time, support, counselling. Everyone deals with these kinds of things differently; there’s no right or wrong approach.

I feel like I have checked out of the relationship. I can’t see a way past it. I think I will one day forgive him but I’ll never see him as a partner any more, it’s like a stranger is living in my house right now. I think about whether we could live together and coparent the kids that way, how it would work, whether it would just cause more pain and confusion in the long run.

@Havanawinter I'm in a similar situation to you. I found out last Sunday my partner has been having an affair. I'm not angry though and wonder why. I'm questioning my self worth. I'm still shocked he can do this to me. We don't live together and currently on a no contact break for 3 days and I miss him terribly.

Would you consider Relationship counselling @Havanawinter ? Or @Whoknows11 ?

it can be a space to move forward in either direction- to repair the relationship or to end it. Neither is right or wrong… but where there are children involved, improving communication is always helpful anyway as you can’t just walk away completely…

Be kind to yourselves- there isn’t a script to how these things go and you’re probably in shock, some level of denial etc and just going through the motions of everyday life to keep you from crumbling… 💐

I think you're probably in a state of shock and it hasn't fully hit you just yet. I wouldn't be committing to anything or making any promises. Certainly I wouldn't be promising to keep his dirty secret for him. If at some point in the future it is in your interests to divulge that information to anyone, for example because a narrative is emerging whereby you are the bad guy, or because you need support etc, there's absolutely no reason why shouldn't do that.

As for doing his laundry and making his food, I don't think I'd be doing it but maybe you will feel differently as time goes on. Just allow yourself time to make decisions on your schedule and don't feel you can't change course or react differently in a week or a month to the way you are right now.

I definitely wouldn’t be doing his cooking or cleaning- he can do it himself and should be doing everything to make up
for his dirty habit- not that this means you’d forgive him.

he’s lying and has been to this escort more than once or twice, it’s more than just handjobs that he’s receiving - you can tell by the messages you screen shot.

get yourself checked for STI ASAP please OP.
You’re worth more than this.
he’s not genuinely sorry, just sorry that he got caught. If you hadn’t seen those messages, he would’ve met up with that escort !

I remember the thread, and it seemed obvious you were going to be soft on him and probably forgive him - or maybe you were in shock? Why haven't you asked (told) him to leave? It was also clear from the messages he was familiar with this woman and there was more to it than he originally said, at least now you know that to be the case, time to find your anger and kick him out.

And yes speak to someone you trust or a therapist/ GP.

And by the way I'm a forgiving person, but what he did was disgusting and crossed the line, and the familiarity with which he texted her is almost worse than the deed.

His comment has made me question what the fuck I’m meant to be doing

You're meant to be doing whatever you want, however you want, without his comments making you question yourself.

Right now you need self care and peaceful coexistence

in fact use the fact he’s at home 🏡 to get yourself some time out to think

and tell close friends female friends FFS
you need their support

I don’t why he did this
the fact he’s used a sex worker indicates a pure need for sex and maybe his own escape (whilst clearly morally justifying this )

look after you and take some time out

and no ironing !

I know what it’s like to have a special needs child
self care paramount

I wouldn't be doing a single fucking thing for him, and I would make that crystal clear. I also would not keep his filthy secret for him. Feel free to tell anyone you choose, including his family and friends, because if you do kick him out, I guarantee he will tell them the relationship breakdown was all your fault. He should have thought about his reputation before he paid other women for sex.

Consequences can be a real bitch.

Consequences can be a real bitch

Not sure this is the healthiest attitude for you, @Havanawinter

Do what you feel, not what's a 'bitch' for him.

Thanks everyone. These were exactly what I needed to read. It’s so easy to feel selfish when you put yourself first for once but I need to remember it’s not selfish, I need to prioritise myself and my mental health for my kids.

we have a huge bedroom so I’ve ordered a little sofa so make my own TV nook up here. That way he can have the spare room and living room and I can have my room with the big comfy bed, en suite and tv nook.

I know I’ll be ok. I’m fucking strong and the next 12 months will be the hardest of my life, but I’ll be ok.

And to the poster who said I was being soft and it was obvious I’m forgiving him… I’m not soft, I’m not forgiving him, I’m just a calm, measured person who wants to make things easier for my kids always. Big ships move slowly and this is a massive ship I need to set sail. I’m making a plan to leave, it’s going to take time and requires delicacy for my eldest son.

Big ships move slowly and this is a massive ship I need to set sail

Love this. Can I borrow it?

You sound very sorted.

I think you sound awesome. Maybe you're in shock but whatever it is you clearly know what you need and I think that's great. He knows he doesn't deserve anything and hopefully that's making him feel worse