How long would you give it for an engagement?

[icecreamlotion]

Firstly I know proposals are frowned upon in mumsnet and that it should planned as a couple, no ring etc, but for arguments sake I prefer the old fashioned proposal so bare this in my mind with my post.
My partner had been saying for a long time he wants us to get married. He said he wanted to get me a nice ring and do it properly, but with huge debts he couldn’t afford to at that time. I made it clear I wasn’t bothered about an expensive fancy ring but I respected his expectations towards a proposal and didn’t put pressure on him as marriage wasn’t even on my mind.
His debts are now cleared and he’s come into a huge sum of money. It’s briefly crossed my mind that with some of this money he may buy me a ring, but part of me thinks he won’t as the subject hasn’t been discussed since last year. He doesn’t even know my ring size. I’m now feeling anxious that if he spends the money on other things that leaves him without any left for a ring, that it will never happen. our relationship is generally very good and we are happy. I’ve never needed marriage to be content in a relationship, but as he was the one who discussed it and made it clear it was important to him I have since assumed it will be a given.
I think my fear is that he’ll never ask and it’ll turn out to just be another thing I get let down by, if he hadn’t ever spoken about marriage it wouldn’t be on my mind at all. I don’t want to be lead on with false hope and find that actually I’m not the one he wants to spend his life with. I’ve been hurt by many men before and told stories to keep me hanging on that never amounted to anything. If he doesn’t get me a ring whatsoever when he now financially can, I don’t think I could look at him in the same way again. It’s not so much the lack of proposal and marriage, it’s the principle of saying it then not doing it that bothers me.
Would you outright ask about it or wait and see what happens? How long would you give it that if no ring is presented in X amount of time you know it won’t happen at all? Would it then be a dealbreaker for you? I need reassurance from other women what I should and shouldn’t accept.

I totally agree with @DramatisPersonae (and yes, I have read all the posts).

It is pretty sensible, in any relationship to review the relationship, and then more so after big changes - in your case, his financial status.
What you might say you "would" do "if x/ y/ z" can look very different if x/ y/ and or z happen. Now it has happened, surely you would be having discussions about what he's going to do now he's in a different position.
That will include things like buying property or having the cash to train for a job he couldn't afford to before, or learn to drive or to go off traveling or whatever. All sorts of possibilities open up when you go from being in debt to having a considerable amount of money. Those changes affect you, and your relationship. It is normal, and absolutely expected to have conversations about these things - what he's going to do, when, how, and how you therefore fit in.

I'm not commenting on the 'big romantic proposal' or if he chooses a ring or what he spends on it, I'm agreeing with @DramatisPersonae that if you are with the right person, then it is bizarre that you feel you can't speak to them, and talk about plans you have for your lives with them.

He can't read your mind ! If you want to get married then tell him. Poor bloke probably doesn't want to be turned down or have a reluctant acceptance to his proposal.

If you are going to get married then you need to work on your communication skills.

Although he might wonder if your new found enthusiasm for marriage is linked to the improvement in his circumstances.

I’m now feeling anxious that if he spends the money on other things that leaves him without any left for a ring, that it will never happen.

If he spends a huge amount of money on other things and forgets to buy you an engagement ring, then he doesn't want it to happen. Also, do you actually positively want to marry a man who is capable of running up lots of debt and then spending large sums of money without being able to remember to buy his woman an engagement ring? Or is this just something he said once, and you're like, righto, that's happening?

Do you actually want to be married to him (and his financial management) and why?

If you have been together 3 years and there are now no financial constraints, I would give it 6 months and no longer.

In the meantime I would start getting your ducks in a row for leaving the relationship.

He now has the means to buy you a ring, put a deposit on a house etc so if you are really a priority he will put "wheels in motion" as it were.

A decision to get married needs to be made equally both both parties. It isn't offered as a gift by one to the other. It isn't something one decides on without the other. If you want to get married, talk to him. If he isn't on the same page, you know where you stand.

I don't understand why you'd expect him to propose, @mindutopia when the ring was ready, when the proposal, or agreement to get married, was in the past. It seems daft then for him to ask you to marry him. What am I missing?

Your reluctance to communicate with him and advocate for yourself is a concern. Don't sleepwalk through your own life. Tell him what you want, what you expect, and when you'd like for it to happen. If he's not on the same page, it's best you find out now.

“Hope without a plan is a dream”

Heard this recently and it sprung to mind when I read your thread. Three years is plenty long enough for a proposal. I’d met, got engaged and married my dh in that time, and that wasn’t unusual in my group of friends.

The debt excuse to me implies there’ll never be a right time, there’ll always be something else first. Also, if you discuss when you are going to get engaged, it defeats the object. The fact that you’re planning to get married, effectively means you’re engaged. Engagement is basically a statement that you plan to marry the other person.

Why don’t you plan a romantic proposal for him?

You need to have a conversation with him. It doesn't have to pressurise him or you, but you need to know where you stand, or if you now want different things from a/your relationship. Maybe ask him how he sees the next two or three years panning out.

My dh didn't ask me. We had discusssd marriage a few times and I realised he didn't want to actually do a proposal so we just agreed ti get married. I announced it to family to make an occasion out of it at Xmas and we went shopping together to buy me a ring. Little bit different to what I thought I wanted but now we've been married a month it doesn't matter at all. I'm just happy to be married and to have had a lovely wedding day. If I hadn't driven it forward we wouldn't be married as he just wouldn't have got round to it as it didn't matter as much to him as it did to me.

You have "assumed it will be a given" based on what he said x time ago. Don't assume anything. You said you haven't discussed the subject since last year. It won't get resolved on its own. The conversation is overdue. Say it is important for you to get married and ask what he thinks and when you two as a couple should be making the next move. If you want a ring, tell him. Let him know the size and style etc. There are plenty ways to introduce all these elements as a matter of fact in everyday chats. Doesn't have to be a big scary sit-down conversation! What are you afraid of?

Whilst I personally would never go to any man asking for a ring or marriage as I believe all that should be a mutual discussion as part of the life plan - I think with the arrival of substantial money it's an appropriate time to discuss what the grand plan is and if it involves you. The key question is whether you both have the same vision of life (and yours involves engagement and marriage).
The trigger for us was when we moved from "couple living in city flat" to "couple with 3 bed semi and garden". We were engaged and married shortly after the discussion, dc followed a year or so after. I'd see the change in finances as being your trigger.

I get you want the whole romantic ideal proposal ring etc but if you can't talk to him about this I genuinely don't think it's going to happen

'Forget him for a minute. What do you actually want, and why are you so reluctant to say 'This is what I want' to someone you supposedly love and trust? Why put this whole thing on him, his wants, his actions?'

These are very good questions to ask yourself OP. Also second this advice - 'Don't sleepwalk through your own life'

It sounds like the last time you spoke about this with him you weren't fussed about marriage. So if you now are, tell him. Tell him how you feel about children.

If he doesn't propose there and then, give it 6 months, no longer.

Third the advice. Wish I'd had it when I was in my 20s