New relationship - DD unhappy

hev126 · 2023-07-17T08:06:46+00:00

Just feel like I need a bit of a rant and to see if anyone has had similar experiences... I was previously married to exH for 10 years. He had an affair during my pregnancy, took me 18 months to find out then we split. Dd was only 14 months at that point so doesn't remember us being together etc 2 years on and exH then officially got together with OW. Dd was 3 at that point and quickly introduced her & Dd, moved in together. So much time has passed and other than a brief phase where Dd was unhappy going to her dads she's now accepted the situation, loves her SM (they're not actually married but easier to call her that for this post). They're pretty much a happy wee family unit, Dd thinks she's amazing etc. As much as I've struggled hearing about how great SM is, I've bit my tongue as my

Hiddenvoice · 17/07/2023 09:17

Sorry op don’t think your whole post has been posted!

Original poster

hev126 · 17/07/2023 09:19

Sorry pressed "post" too soon....

As much as I've struggled with the situation, I've been massively positive about it to Dd. Never said a bad word about her dad and SM. She's had a few wobbles about feeling her dad was being taken away from her or that her SM didn't like her - but it's always me she talks to about her concerns and I've been the one to reassure her how much they both love her etc and tried to encourage her to have contact etc.

In the 8/9 years since we split I've been devoted to my Dd (as most mums are), built a good career, have a nice house and created as happy a home life for her as possible. She stays with her dad 2 nights a week but I do most of the "parent stuff", have all the mental load with dr/hospital appointments (few minor medical issues) deal with the school stuff etc. I'm not for a second moaning about any of that but my Dd has always been my number 1 priority.

Meanwhile, exH and his partner have been on countless luxury foreign holidays as a couple, out partying a lot, basically living like a child free couple other than their 2 nights a week.....me on the other hand has been spending my child free time on life admin, food shopping, working extra hours so when Dd is with me I can be as focussed on her as possible.

About 18 months ago I met my now DP. Wasn't looking for anyone as was happy on my own with DD but I'm head over heels, he's amazing and so good to me. He really understands my situation, is so patient and understanding.

In the last 6 months he's gradually been meeting my Dd and is great with her & makes so much effort.

Everything should be so good in my life but Dd HATES the fact I'm in a relationship and wants nothing to do with him.

Obviously I respect her view and would never force him into her life.

It just seems so unfair that her dad who shagged around and ended the marriage is now loving his best life with the OW. Dd is ecstatic about it and thinks it's the best thing ever.....yet I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life alone?

I totally understand it's hard for my Dd and she will always be my priority I just needed a bit of a rant about how unfair it all seems!

OP posts:

Pablothepalm · 17/07/2023 09:24

Is there a chance for exH to have DD more, such as alternating weekends? Or would you not want that? This would give you a bit more breathing space and time with your partner while DD is happy at Dad’s.

i think it’s normal for children to confide in the parent they feel closer to, which is you. That’s who they disclose their true feelings to and where she feels safe, hence the feelings of your do being an interloper into what she considers her safe bubble with you.

I would possibly have a chat with your DD how you are a mum but a woman also and how she likes her SM and how your do can be another person to live and support her in time.

SilverDrawer · 17/07/2023 09:25

I can understand why you feel like that.

Your DD is used to being your only priority. But she is at an age and developmental stage where she should be starting to break away from you anyway.

Don’t feel guilty, or feel the need to explain yourself to her. Reassure her that she’s still your priority but that you are entitled to your own life, as is she. You are separate people and it’s important to remember that.

Original poster

hev126 · 17/07/2023 09:29

Pablothepalm · 17/07/2023 09:24

Is there a chance for exH to have DD more, such as alternating weekends? Or would you not want that? This would give you a bit more breathing space and time with your partner while DD is happy at Dad’s.

i think it’s normal for children to confide in the parent they feel closer to, which is you. That’s who they disclose their true feelings to and where she feels safe, hence the feelings of your do being an interloper into what she considers her safe bubble with you.

I would possibly have a chat with your DD how you are a mum but a woman also and how she likes her SM and how your do can be another person to live and support her in time.

Thanks @Pablothepalm
I've been thought about changing the contact schedule in the past as it was originally agreed in a way to suit a 14 month old baby and obviously things change over time.

Dd said she likes things as they are and doesn't want anything to change.....
As it stands she stays at his a wed/Thurs one week and a wed & Saturday the next so I've got 2 weekend free nights a month. Makes weekends away impossible without getting my mum to babysit but even then I'm conscious of dd feeling pushed out.

I think my only option is to keep things as they are and see my DP when dd is at her dads. I just wish we were gradually and slowly progressing towards being more of a blended family. I know it's too soon for anything drastic but even spending an evening a week as a unit of 3 would feel like we were progressing towards it

OP posts:

Beamur · 17/07/2023 09:30

I think you need to ignore the comparison with your ex's set up and DD's reaction to that.
She's obviously much more concerned about you being with someone else - and rightly so, you are her world and she's had this lovely cosy life with you that she's afraid will be impacted.
I think that you just need to keep reassuring her that you love her no less but that you are allowed to have a life of your own too. I would continue to take it slowly with your bf and not push for them to meet for a while.

SilverDrawer · 17/07/2023 09:33

You should ask your mum to babysit, or for an extra weekend night from your ex. It’s important for your relationship to spend time together.

Pablothepalm · 17/07/2023 09:40

DD is not a baby anymore and I think a frank conversation needs to be had about you being her Mum but also a woman in your own right. These two things are t mutually exclusive but I think an age appropriate conversation with her about where you want that relationship to go with your dp and how it will be beneficial to her with another caring adult would be helpful to explain your point of view. Why can’t the OP use the set up with dad? It’s a loving household where she likes her stepmum and it’s good for children to experience good adult relationships as she grows up. Having Mum to herself all the time isn’t a healthy child/parent relationship. I’m not saying it’s wrong but it’s not the real world. We share our love with others, friends, aunties, uncles. Love isn’t finite.

liveforsummer · 17/07/2023 09:45

So given the timeline I assume your dd is 10? It's a tricky age as hormones are coming in to play and they don't have the emotional maturity of a teen. My dd10 is going through a clingy phase just now. I know you say you want the time as a 3 but I feel it would be unwise to push that at the moment. I know you say she's happy with schedule but making one change - the weds/Saturday to Friday/Saturday would make a huge difference to you and would give her more quality time with her dad too. You could frame it as that. Point out that she's growing g up now and that was done to suit baby her. I think as she gets older she'll be fine more understanding and things will be easier. It's understandable she's more possessive of you, you are her number 1 and that's the difficult part of what is an amazing thing!

Hiddenvoice · 17/07/2023 10:05

It’s great you’re putting dd first but you can’t put your life on hold either. I’d suggest having a gentle conversation with her about you being happy, that dad is happy with sm but you’ve been on your own until you’ve met dp so feels like this is also your chance. You’d like her to like dp but you won’t force it. keep doing things together bur make sure you also get time for yourselves! Ask ex to have her more or ask for family
to watch her whilst you go out.

She is just very used to it being just the two of you, she’s worried about being left out and losing you. It feels new to her and she’s decided she doesn’t like it but she’s of an age where hormones are changing too. Give her time and space but gently remind her that you need to have someone too. She has dad and sm who both have each other. She also has you but you only have her and it’s not fair to be all alone when she’s with her dad.

Fraaahnces · 17/07/2023 10:08

How old is DD? If she’s old enough to express her feelings about your relationship, then she is old enough to deal with what happened with Dad.

Moredrama · 17/07/2023 10:48

Agree with PP, you need to have a chat with her about your situation. You also need to change the contact days so that you have free time every weekend, or the full weekend EOW.
Then gradually down the line do things with your DP and say to DD “we are doing x on Tuesday, do you want to come or would you rather stay at your dads/with grandma” that way she’s getting the choice rather than feeling pushed out because of your DP, without your relationship with him being completely restricted. If she feels she has a choice she’s more likely to engage.

Plenty of reassurance for your DD along the way and lots of quality time just the two of you, but she does need to learn that it can’t be all her way as this won’t do her any good when she’s an adult if she thinks she can dictate everything

toddlermom99 · 17/07/2023 12:00

I don't think you can compare it, as DD has seen her dad + step mom in a relationship since she was a toddler, it's all she's ever known with them. She's used to her being your only priority and doesn't understand why things have to change. I understand why that's so frustrating though! Continue seeing your DP on the 2 nights your daughter is at her dads and just slowly introduce him, she'll soon adapt once she realises he's going to be a part of your life

Original poster

hev126 · 17/07/2023 12:42

Thanks for all the responses! Appreciate them all

Plenty of reassurance for your DD along the way and lots of quality time just the two of you, but she does need to learn that it can’t be all her way as this won’t do her any good when she’s an adult if she thinks she can dictate everything

I think this sums up what I'm struggling with. I do feel she's controlling me to some extent and it's like she feels she's the one that should call the shots. I guess I've made a rod for my own back by telling her she's always the priority but in a way that she thinks I wouldn't have someone around if she doesn't want me too.

I think the other suggestion of making plans for the 3 of us and telling her she doesn't need to come if she wants to stay with dad/Gran instead is a great idea

OP posts:

Original poster

hev126 · 17/07/2023 12:45

Fraaahnces · 17/07/2023 10:08

How old is DD? If she’s old enough to express her feelings about your relationship, then she is old enough to deal with what happened with Dad.

She's 9 almost 10 so I agree she's old enough to have a grown up chat with. However, I don't intend to ever go into detail about what went on between her dad and I or the fact that her SM was once the other woman.

She's very loyal to me and as much as I don't care about her dad/SM I'm keen for her to maintain a good relationship with her dad for her own sake.
There was a time in the past where she hated going or her dads and it was hell forcing her to go every week when she was so unhappy. I'm worried that I'd be damaging her relationship with him for my own selfish needs.

Hopefully it's just taking her time to adjust to me having someone else in my life

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 17/07/2023 12:50

@hev126
It may be a bit unrealistic to compare your daughter's respones to your ex's situation and your current situation.

You daughter never felt the risk of losing her father as she has only really known him as living apart and having a separate life. Her relationship with you has been different. Her only gauge of how a parent interacts with a partner is her father's relationship with his partner.

She may be fearful that you are going to want a life in which she only plays a part-time role similar to the role that she plays in her father's life.

You can spend time reassuring her but do not say that things won't change. Things will change but your feelings for her won't change.

She will need all of the reassuring that kids need when parents are going through a divorce. You are not going through a divorce, but in a sense you are making a significant change to life as she has known it for almost a decade.

Be patient and involve you new partner in incremental and measured steps into activities with your daughter.

Time is on your side, do not mention or compare her acceptance of her father's partner that comparison is probably feeding her anxiety about your new relationship.

OhMerseyMe · 17/07/2023 14:01

As a divorced mother (of two DDs) who is now remarried, the transition may be a little tough because your DD is used to having you to herself because that is all she has ever known. Your ex was with his partner for as long as your DD can remember, so that is all she has ever known as well. Unfortunately she views your new beau as a threat, so I suggest just taking it slowly with her. Don’t forgo your happiness but give her some time to come around to the idea of another person coming into the fold. The week where your two days are split is not a good idea in my opinion, as my ex and I tried that. We are week on/week off with one day during the “off week” so we didn’t have to go an entire week without seeing them. We did it for a couple of years but it was just too disruptive to the girls’ schedules. They were involved in sports/extra curricular so we actually hardly ever went a week without seeing them anyway. I suggest you re-arrange your schedule somewhat so that her two days a week are together - preferably Friday and Saturday so you get to have a life also!

Good luck - you sound like a wonderful person and mom ❤️

SunflowerTed · 17/07/2023 20:51

I’d keep your relationship going and keep with the reassurance. She can’t call the shots. My partner and I got together when my stepson was 8 - he resented me and thought I was taking his dad away. We were firm but fair and 15 years later we have an amazing blended family and he and I get on great