Should I or shouldn’t I?

[Dancetotherain]

Newbie here, please go easy on me. I was married for 15, three kids together. After last child, the marriage broke down. Numerous reasons for this, COVID, work pressures, lack of communication etc. I ended up in a very dark place mentally and marriage ended. Since we both have moved on in terms of homes, finances, been on dates etc. But we always seem drawn back to each other in terms of chats, emails, messages etc. Recently ex hus. has asked about having a cuppa and chat. Deep down I would love to but I’m just worried that this could set my back mentality. But then if I don’t, could I ruin any chance of a happy ever after? I have so many questions to ask but I’m scared of rejection. I don’t know what’s best to do. I’m not even sure why I’m writing on this as I know I need to make the decision. Guess just looking for opinions from outsiders.

For me the 2 main things I would be thinking about are:

1. why the marriage broke down and how "fixable" they are?
2. how good was the marriage prior to that? We're you happy?

Also, if you do decide to try and work things out, I'd try to keep it from the kids until you're 1000% sure

I agree.

You need to be honest with yourself about the reasons why the marriage broke down, talk honestly with him and both agree and be committed to changing it going forwards.

Still loving/fancying him/each other isn't enough if you are fundamentally incompatible or there's a lack of trust/betrayal.

Once you're clear on the above, nothing wrong with a cuppa and a chat, even if it's just to draw a line under everything and move on amicably.

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate them. The reasons for breakdown was basically I don’t trust ex husband. I can’t/couldn’t trust anyone due to previous reasons from childhood but I’ve worked on that and got through those issues. I guess I would like to know his intentions before laying my cards on the table. But I’m scared to ask incase they are purely on a friendship/catch-up basis. The marriage was a happy marriage up until separation. And 10000% kids would definitely not know. They have all been through enough.

I think the thing to be mindfull of is that, even when trust issues have been worked on, they can still re emerge when tested. And tested can just mean 'being in a relationship'.

You don't need to go into any cuppa and chat situation and immediately set your stall out. He has asked for it so he probably has an agenda. Make small talk, catch up generally and see where it takes you. Let him set his stall out first.

Don't rush your thoughts. One step at a time.

Greycarpet - that’s such good advice. I know I’m letting my mind jump into 1000 different scenarios. Aslong as I keep my boundaries in place and go with a clear mind. Thank you.

Exactly this, don't lay your cards on the table. He asked for the chat so let him do the talking and see what he has to say. Even once you've heard what he has to say, you can say you need time to process and think

All great advice - thank you. He isn’t a very deep communicator, one of our issues but maybe times have changed.