Is she not interested

[Bizzle1]

Hi all first time posting here and looking for some advice from a female perspective.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly 8 months now and all going well in fact just came back from a lovely trip away.
However I felt she was very cold and not communicated so I asked if she was okay. She said no as she feels she needs some space and suggested we only see each other about once a week she does have attachment issues I do not think this is enough for a realtionship? But I feel it's very hot from my end and cold from her although sometimes she can be affectionate,she also makes me feel as if I am worthless at times and not needed but I do love her.
I am so upset I just want her to be happy but I feel I walk on eggshells sometimes.

A sure sign of an unhealthy relationship is the rollercoaster feeling. You need to get out, unless you like that feeling.

Look up attachment styles. She is avoidant, you are anxious. That means that at the slightest hint of disharmony, you will need a cuddle, and she will need time alone. She cannot switch off her need any more than you can switch off yours. It's retry much impossible to fix this incompatibility, and it will make you more and more frantic, as she needs more and more time alone. It's a very well recognised pattern, op. Sorry.

She's not playing anything. She has an avoidant attachment style.

It shouldn’t be this complicated
she manipulating things and it’s not making you happy

you won’t be on your own, 45 is young and you are a lovely person. You deserve better

Who cares what the official term is, its up to her to sort it out.
Its unhealthy and OP isn't happy. Blowing hot and cold for whatever reason is game playing.
Its not a happy healthy relationship.

Agree

@Name99
Who cares what the official term is, its up to her to sort it out
Its unhealthy and OP isn't happy. Blowing hot and cold for whatever reason is game playing
Its not a happy healthy relationship

Who cares? Well, it was helpful to me, for a start, to know the terms, and being able to read about different styles of attachment. It helped me to leave a relationship similar to the one OP is in.

I wonder why you're so dismissive about OP understanding what's going on? Do you think it's best for him to just run away because you say so, rather than because he's got a grasp on his situation and understands the difference between an unhealthy and a healthy relationship?

I really want it to work, I never have felt this way before and cannot believe we got 8 months in without me ever feeling this way,.
What makes me down is when it gets avoident and I struggle to shift the feeling about not being wanted/needed.
I know I have work out how to be better for her, that's what I am trying to navigate.

The problem is that you're clearly not compatible. When things are a bit stress and tense, you clearly want MORE closeness. Unfortunately, she is the opposite. So you are always going to be wanting MORe from her, and she's always going to feel pressure and discomfort with that. At the same time, she's going to want MORE space and you're going to feel anxiety as a result.

I know I have work out how to be better for her, that's what I am trying to navigate

This is the primary symptom of the problem with your attachment style.

You think that you are supposed to design yourself around what somebody else wants, even though it goes against who you actually are. That's what you're trying to do now. You're trying to be somehow different, so that she will love you better.

Trying to work out how to 'be better for her' is trying to work out how to be less you. This doesn't happen when you're with a compatible partner, because a compatible partner loves you for who you are to start with.

You don't need to work out anything. You need to recognise that who you are isn't something that needs correcting. You need to recognise that it's right for you to want closeness when you want closeness, and it's right for her to want distance when she wants distance. You need to recognise that, as 2 different people, it's highly likely that these things will regularly happen in your relationship with her. You need to work out whether you like that. Whether that is the relationship you want. Whether that's the life you want.

Of course you 'really really love her' and 'really want to be with her', but essentially what you're saying is 'I really want to be with this person who messes up my mood, dismisses me, has ups and downs I can't keep up with, exhausts me, blows hot and cold, and wants distance when I want closeness.'

Ask yourself why you would want that. If you look deep enough, you'll find that it's because you want what your Mum gave you as you grew up: routine regular rejection, and bouts of affection, if you behaved exactly as she wanted, for a long enough period.

You need to grow up, mate. This woman isn't your mum, and you're not a little boy. Healthy adult relationships are comfortable and relaxed. This woman isn't offering you that relationship, so, be an adult: recognise that you're not getting what you want, and move on.

That's very good advice. It breaks me to say it I really want it to work but I just cannot see how it will.
The hardest part is for 8 months it wasn't this bad until she said she wanted to see less and it was a big massive shock. She was never as affectionate as I would like but I understood that.
I just feel that if she understood me a bit more we could work on things but she does not seem to want to do that.
It has now gone to the extreme and so distant I do not deserve that.

It breaks me to say it I really want it to work but I just cannot see how it will

This is the thing. Having the attachment style we'd all like best, 'secure', means that when you know that walking away will hurt less than staying, you leave, because you recognise that staying shouldn't hurt at all.

I do not deserve that

Nobody 'deserves' anything. There isn't an overarching scorecard being kept, with appropriate rewards and punishments. Being treated poorly isn't something a person might 'deserve', if they've treated someone else poorly. You need to be working out if you like or want things, not if you 'deserve' them.

It has now gone to the extreme

She has now gone to the extreme. All of your language lets her off the hook. 'She is behaving in a way that I extremely don't like or want' is what you're trying to say, but I presume you don't want to speak ill of her, despite the fact that she's hurting and hurting and hurting you, and then turning her back when you try to tell her.

I would never want to speak bad about anyone and especially her she means a lot to me.

I honestly don’t understand why grown adults who realise and accept they have insecurities and issues don’t seek help.

So you (as in people in general!) have this ‘thing’ that affects your relationships/self esteem etc.. what are you/she doing about it?

id be looking at self help and doing some research. I’d look into therapy, CBT, hypnotherapy etc. I wouldn’t just shrug and accept this and let it ruin every relationship and hope for the future.

She is behaving in a way that I extremely don't like or want

Can you see how this is not speaking badly of her, though? A person eating meat might be behaving in a way that a vegetarian couldn't bear to be around, but it doesn't say anything about anybody other than the vegetarian, and their preference.

You can dislike what she's doing, without the implication that you think she's doing something bad. It's about you, and what you want. It's not about her, if you don't like what she does. This was really helpful to me, to recognise that my ex wasn't necessarily 'wrong' and I wasn't necessarily 'right', but rather, we were different people who, quite reasonably, wanted different, and often, opposed, things. Recognising that, with no ill will, we were simply pressuring each other to do things we didn't want to.

If she's not trying to understand what makes you tick then I'm sorry to say she's not that interested.
I'd also be concerned about the fact that at the age of 39, 8 months is her longest relationship.

Yes prior to me been minimal relationships and I am the longest. So I believed it was the commitment and the length that may have got her scared. However not being in a relationship for an extended period and not having had many is a red flag really I believe.
I messaged her and said I want to talk she has replied and said sure but I hope it's not going to be a break up.

Man here - it's not that unusual; out of my exes 3 have cheated.
Just seems to be how people are these days, which is a shame.

There's never an excuse for cheating - if the OP made them unhappy they should have just left, not jumped on another todger.

Or using you for free holidays and dinners.

You’ve had lots of good advice upthread, OP.

There’s one thing I don’t understand, though. You’re saying you’ve never felt like this about anyone but you’re 46 and you’ve had 3 long-term relationships. So I don’t really understand how you can be feeling things for her that you’ve never previously felt. That suggests to me that this is situational - less about her and more about what she represents. Perhaps you were hoping to settle down and start a family and thought she was the one who would allow this?

I do not want to add another year I am nearly 46 though.
Felt like she understood me and was so kind. It felt so so good for last 8 months I never had the feeling how she made me feel in previous relationships. I thought she really cared, I now know she does not understand me or even really want to so sad.

If it's at all reassuring, I was 43 when the penny dropped that the other person wasn't obliged to make me happy; I was obliged to find a person who made me happy. The onus was on me.

I was heartbroken and gutted, and couldn't believe that the relationship of my dreams wasn't going to work out. Now, I'm happy, and I can see that it wasn't the relationship of my dreams at all. It was shit. My partner treated me badly, and I thought that any bad feeling was 'my fault'. My current partner and I talk things through when there are problems. We admit our failings, and are respectful of each other's needs.

Move on. Find someone who is delighted with you, and how you do things.

We discussed attachment styles last night and both admit we are the attachment styles that have been mentioned.
There is also a lot of personal issues going on with her family (mum and dad) so maybe this is contributing around the situation.
It is hard on me at the moment but I just want to help, however I guess it's hard on her and she wants to keep pushing me away I still hope we can get through it.
However I see myself coming to the conclusion that maybe no matter how much it hurts that the relationship is done, even though she has said she loves me.

It is hard on me at the moment but I just want to help

How are you helping you? You are the one you're responsible for. Of course we want to help those we love, but not when it's to our own detriment. That's not healthy. The right partner for you will gratefully accept your support, and offer the same in return, rather than vanish when you need her.