Resentment over partner and his work

[BlueBritish]

So, here’s the thing. My partner has a well paid job but it’s also long hours and just recently he’s had to stay in various different cities across the UK for 3/4 nights a week. We had a discussion about him not taking this job opportunity but he went ahead and did it anyway. We have a 3 year old DD and he’s recently come back from a stag so with his mates so I’ve had 0 free time to myself as I’ve been working too. I only do 2 shifts a week as I am the main carer for our child and doesn’t get her nursery funding until September. My partner does pay for the mortgage and the bills etc and I only have some little bills to pay myself but I earn absolutely nothing close to him. I’m just starting to resent him as he’s always getting his free time, he has a career he loves and I’m just stuck ‘holding the baby’ so to speak.
I just want some input to this as I am in a state of resentment where I do not know whether I am being unreasonable about the situation. Should I be resentful or should I be grateful. I am with a workaholic and I don’t know if that’ll ever change.

My husband often worked away it was stressful but we just paid for nursery even on the days I didn’t work so I could have a break plus nursery was funny about not being full time so it was all just less hassle to book them in 5 days a week on my days off they would go in later and come home earlier but I had a few hours to myself too.

This is one of the many reasons it is healthy for couples to pool income. He is able to do his job because you are there day in and day out, taking care of your shared child and being the default parent. You make career sacrifices to facilitate his work and keep the family running.

A shift in mentality to household income instead of personal income takes away a great deal of resentment. It also better reflects the reality of the way your family actually functions.

@BlueBritish The answer is for you to work more, get some paid childcare and both contribute (as equally as possible) to the family pot and family life.

Unfortunately this will be tricky as you’ve already enabled him for the past 2-3 years. You’ll come up against the whole ‘childcare is more than/the same/almost as much as my pay’ bit but honestly, the only way for an equal relationship is for all parties to contribute to all aspects equally. I’d suggest getting your ducks in a row before you have any more children.

Depends what kind of a lifestyle his work offers you. Do you have nice holidays, a nice home, good quality of life that you wouldn’t have if he didn’t work as much as he does?
I think if he does provide a really good quality of life in terms of home and leisure opportunities then it’s worth just sucking it up but if not then he’s taking the piss, especially if he’s also off on stag holidays.
you need to book yourself a holiday of your own to make up for it Op.

Have you tried taking to him? It’s not fair that he can spend and do what he likes. Can you put DD in nursery 3 days a week in September and work 2? Give yourself a break?
If he won’t pool the income I think you need to re consider the relationship. You can’t live like that.

Thank you all for the replies. I feel like I. September it may be a little easier for me as DD will be in nursery 3 days a week so gives me chance to have at least 1 day to myself. Don’t get me wrong we do have a great lifestyle, house is mediocre 4 bed detached, we have nice holidays but the problem is that he can go to the gym when he wants when he’s away, he can have a lay in, when sometimes I’m still up with my DD in the night, he can get a shower when he wants, I 9 times out of 10 get a bath with my daughter as that is my only opportunity and I cannot even afford the gym let alone have the time for it.

He's the one that financially supports your lifestyle though...

Pull your cv together and start looking for a new job. Your dc is already 3. With funding, now is the ideal time to go to nursery, for a year's socialisation before starting school at four.

If your dh isn't happy, point out that he gets to go to the gym and socialise with his colleagues while you don't and that's unfair, so you're putting it right.

But in terms of him being a workaholic, that's unlikely to change. You'll have to decide if that's what you want for the rest of your life.

@onlylovecanhurtlikethis I completely understand he funds our lifestyle, but we only have holidays together and he’s been skiing for a week this year and just returned from a stag, i wish I had the money to do these things. I cannot work anymore at the minute, our nursery wouldn’t take our child until she was 3 and she had just recently turned 3 (end of June) so will be September when we get our funding that she goes. I want to have the money to do things for myself and more so I want to have the time to do those things too but I just don’t have it

He is behaving like a single man isn't he? He's happy to spend his money on himself. You are very limited in how much you can work and he doesn't give a shit about that.

What does he say when you talk about the inequality in income?

Both your incomes should be in a joint account. All bills and child stuff out, then remainder split evenly in to both your personal accounts.
No wonder your resentment is building with this current unfairnesss.

OP, if you go back to work full time from September, you can share the cost of nursery, and then you'll have your evenings and weekends, and money to enjoy the gym etc.

Thinking about it from your dh's point of view, he went on a week's (work?) ski trip, and has been on a stag weekend in 7 months. Is that so bad? It doesn't sound excessive.

Have you suggested going away anywhere with your friends? Does he know you feel resentful? He may not have realised. Talk to him.

So he's out building his career and contributing to his pension (of which you wouldn't be entitled to any if you spilt because you're not married) while you're working minimal hours and presumably not contributing much at all to a pension?

Leaving aside the unfairness of you not having any tine to yourself while he swans off to the gym and lads holidays when he fancies it, this would have a massive negative financial impact on you if/when you split up.

How are the bills divided at the moment? Do you both own the house?

This is what ruined my marriage I’m afraid. DH worked away without asking me if he could, and when I said it wasn’t suitable he took no notice. When he was away he ate in restaurants every evening without a child in tow. He was able to pop to the hotel pool or gym, or watch a movie. He slept through every night and didn’t get up till 8am every morning. It made me incredibly angry. Yes he made decent money, but I didn’t want his money - I wanted the sleep and freedom he was having.

Even when he wasn’t away, he was still going to work and doing interesting things with adults. Working on a computer without being clawed at by a child. Having lunch and multiple coffee breaks in peace. Achieving something with his life. It made me so angry that he’d taken all of that for himself and left me burdened with the baby.

Anyway, the top and bottom of it is that I never forgave him for not doing his share. It should have been half baby and half work for each of us, but he was too selfish and took all of the work for himself.

So when we talk about our incomes, he has been ‘understanding’ and offered me reassurance that if I needed money he would give me if and also offered to pay for my gym membership both of these offers have been an ongoing thing since last year and he’s not followed through with any of it. I don’t like the thought of being a lady of leisure so to speak, I like my job and want to be out earning more but it is just impossible as things stand at the minute. Absolutely treading going into the 6 week holidays as I do not have a lot of money to be taking my DD places and doing activities and all the clubs she usually does in the week are not running through this period 😩

We are both on the mortgage but he pays it at the minute. This was not originally the plan, we was going to split things but he’s job took off. I have bills such as paying for the TV, paying for the sofas monthly, my car finance, my phone, pet insurance, car insurance, it sounds little but I work 2 days a week so it’s a big chunk that is taken out of my wages.

I note that you say "partner" so I'm going to assume you're not married.

This makes it even more imperative that you look for a full time or more full time job. At the moment you are leaving yourself very financially vulnerable. Or you can get married. At the moment he can walk away at any time and you'll be stuffed. If your name on the mortgage/deeds?

@Archeron This is EXACTLY how I am feeling, I’ve tried talking to him and he just does not understand which frustrates me even more. He took this job working away even though I said it isn’t suitable, I only work 2 days and him working away still affected what I could work on them days too, very angry and sad.

@redskytwonight My name is on the mortgage/deeds yes. I understand what you are saying but the problem is I just cannot work anymore at the minute

This is not sustainable.

You have zero security as you are not married. He could split up with you tomorrow, you could not afford to pay your mortgage and bills; what would you do?

You need to marry him and get equal access to the finances or go back to work full time ASAP and split the childcare and housework between the two of you equally.

Please don't leave yourself in such a vulnerable position; he holds all the power and money here and you are quite literally left holding the baby.

I used to say to my DH, it’s like we’re having breakfast together and you’ve piled all of the jam onto your own toast, leaving me with just dry bread. And I’m asking you to share the jam but you won’t, and you don’t care that I only have dry bread, and you don’t care that I have to sit there and watch you eat it all in front of me.

It’s greedy and selfish, and it made me feel unloved. And as I said I never forgave him, it destroyed my love for him because he clearly didn’t give a shit about sharing fairly with me.

I am your DH, my DP has supported me in landing my dream job and it pays for lots of things but it is also very full on. We've got an agreement that it's a 5 year plan. That said, he also works and our DC (2) is in nursery. I don't think you can resent him sleeping in a hotel - believe me, I'd much rather be at home, living out of a suitcase and being away from my family sucks. Have you tried spelling out to him what you need? For example when I have to go away I always offer to book and pay for wraparound childcare to make things easier (we have older DC in school too), I also try to do as much as I can with the DC when I am home to give him time to himself.
He wants a week away soon to a sporting event that he loves and I'll probably take annual leave to make sure I can cover it because I'm conscious that he also needs a life.
It is hard! Communication is key, we have found.

I think you need to change how you handle your finances. Joint account that all bills come out of. Same amount of fun money each. He may be earning more in cash but he could not do so without your unpaid labour looking after DD. You are both contributing, just in different ways and that should be taken into account

The problem is that you are sacrificing for this job and seeing no benefits..Him.paying thr mortgage is all very well and good but you need more money. Either he must take on .ore.of.your bills or he must transfer cash to you every month. If necessary, perhaps point out he is getting free childcare.

Unfortunately though, I am not optimistic. Men who believe their work means everything is theirs don't wake up one morning and think, "ooh, my dp is facilitating thiz". Instead, when they get divorced they feel resentful at paying.cms and barely see their children.

In September when child care changes are you going to go full time? If your current job won't entertain that, are you looking for a other job?

I echo all the points above but you need to start the own this. Currently your workaholic husband is supporting you family, your mediocre 4 bed detached house, your holidays. Child care gets a bit easier, school kicks in (with all the stress of pre and after school clubs, summer holidays) but you do the rest as the rest of us - you can work it out but it's not coming to you, you'll have to make it happen. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of overlap between your world and his.

@Rainsdropskeepfalling my job wants me there more than I can offer at the minute which is all the more annoying, I’ve been given extra responsibility at work now too which is making me love it even more