Stepmum life

[sr48]

AITO I am currently childless but a stepmum to 3 kids living in my partners family home for the last two years. I find it hard living in the house he lived in with his ex but deal with it on the most part, some days I find it hard and will complain about finding her stuff in the home (a lot is gone but still quite a bit eg storage boxes under the bed, backs of cupboards etc) he just shrugs it off cause he thinks it’s not a big deal which aggravated me even more to which I then blow my top. In other words aito as I just want him to understand how I feel and that my feelings aren’t petty and stupid, however when I bring this up he thinks I’m being ridiculous as he’s got other stuff to worry about. Please help I love him and the kids but is it ridiculous for me to want him to care about what stresses me out when he’s got a lot of more important things to him to worry about.

I’m more worried about you living in your partner’s house, which you have no claim on. Are you paying a mortgage elsewhere?

Re her stuff - is he actually refusing to get rid of it? Assuming she is still around then yes that’s unreasonable but if I were him I’d want to you package it up if you want it home. If she’s dead and he’s keeping stuff for the kids then just parcel it up properly so you aren’t stumbling on it. He shouldn’t stand in your way, but if it bothers you you have to take the initiative

@sr48 he should be making every effort to make it feel like your home. That’s the least he could do considering it appears you are the one having to adjust and make changes whilst taking on his 3 kids whereas he’s seemingly kept his life as it was. Are you wanting kids of your own and have you talked about moving into a new house you both buy together?

Could you have a relationship without living together.

OP your feelings are valid, no one would like to come across an exes things all the time in their home. Men can just not see the “problem” sometimes.
Best thing to do is tell him you’d like to make it feel more like your home and to avoid any unnecessary fall outs, and then go through everything and box up whatever is hers. If she’s still around tell him to take it to hers, if she’s sadly not then ask him to put anything that is a keepsake for the kids away in the loft and anything else send to the charity shop/tip. You need to make it feel more like home or you’ll forever feel like a guest

Just an update, ex is still around and I get on with her incredibly well which is great! I have sorted through a lot already and got it to a more manageable point it’s just other bits that I need him to sort through as I feel bad sorting it myself in case there’s anything important. He runs a business and has a lot going on so hard to find time to for him to do it (there is definitely still opportunity to do so) the more important problem from this though is that when I get upset and annoyed about it occasionally he gets straight on the defence and lists his own problems to me leaving me feeling like he thinks my problem is inferior to his. Think his mindset seems to be a bit victim mentality as any problem happens and he just goes on about his own(which I do listen to and understand and help out with kids and keeping the house clean to take some stress off of him) but not sure what I can do for him to understand that I just want him to understand my problem comes from this relationship and he should be more attentive to that rather than jumping on the defence. So I suppose my question is more how can I help him see it’s hard for me!

Twll him you want it gone or you will
be? Or that you will call the ex yourself and ask whether she still wants the stuff and can she come and get it?

You would have seen what it was like before you moved in and if after 2 years it still doesn't feel like your actual home it never will.

Why are you sorting through the things from his past relationship???

I feel bad sorting it myself in case there’s anything important

What???!!!!
You feel guilty for doing his work FOR him, in case he wants it done differently?

This is all very strange.

Sorry to sound cynical but you are possibly a member of an exclusive club of overly generous women who get into relationships with men who have burned through their first wife/partner and are now using their second partner to do the domestic tasks like tidy up old relationship belongings, and prop up whatever life goals they have...

Good luck.

OP for this particular issue, you’re giving it too much thought, you don’t need to feel guilty about sorting through or discarding anything as neither of them are bothered; if they were it would have been done ages ago, long before you turned up. Give yourself and your partner a break and just do it, as he never will because he sees it as trivial compared to other things he has going on.

For the issue in general of him not taking on board what bothers you, you can try a few tactics and hopefully they will work, but be prepared that this may just be who he is.
I would initially try going somewhere neutral (a quiet pub, a walk, etc) and say how you feel (literally “I feel…”) and that whilst you know he’s got a lot on you do a lot to support him and you also need to feel supported in the relationship. Ask him how would be best to approach him with issues you want to discuss (therefore when you do, he can’t say it’s the wrong way or refuse to engage; if he does remind him this was how he said he wanted to discuss things).
Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own stuff that they don’t see what’s going on around them, or they simply don’t like talking about issues (my DH is like this, so I feel your frustration)

Why can't his ex come and sort her own stuff? Are the children living with you and their father or with their mum?

I just wonder if you would be better off with your own place, rather than living in his and exes family home.

I hope things have improved a bit :-) It's good you get on well with his ex. It can take time to fully feel at home in a house he has lived in with someone else and he is bound to have some habits hanging over, and not "see" things that you see. I think it works best when you get to the point where you or he sells up and buys your own place together, and it's a fresh start, with no familiarity or memories for either of you, regardless of who is living in the other partner's old house.

There are a lot of tips and info for new and childless stepmums on here - you might find people in a similar situation, and how they dealt with it.

https://www.secondwivesandstepmums.com/