Inexplicable infatuation

[Orangeeiknarf]

I've been with my DP for 13 years. He's a good person, we make each other laugh but there's always been this feeling we're on different wave lengths. I think this is the compromise because otherwise he really is great, kind, loyal and hardworking.

For the last 4 years, I've been infatuated with an older guy working within the same organisation as me. We probably bump into each other once a week and every time we are a bit flirty without being direct and I get so nervous and excited. We've been round to each others houses and met outside work but nothing has ever happened. The most that has ever happened is him calling me lovely inside and out and a few hugs. We used to text a lot too but again, it wasn't so much the content but the amount of texting which was bad.

I just cannot see an end to it. I fantasise about this what if scenario. I'm not even sure what I want. I wish I knew how he felt though maybe this is just for my own ego boost. The thrill is what keeps my mind on it but I guess what I'm asking is, is it wrong to have this constant fantasy in the background?

Is he single?

Ooh, another Fantasy. Lots of these threads going around at the moment.

We all have agency and choices. Only you can make a decision which person you wish to pursue.

In the meantime. Enjoy. Get lost in the garden of your mind.

Do you live with your DP? Any DC involved? And is OM single/has kids etc?

I think so. I always assume he is as we chat a bit about what's going on in each others life but sometimes it's like he keeps that part under wraps. I only find out about these things because out of the blue he'll say 'the woman I was seeing a couple of months ago...' and I feel wildly and hypocritically jealous.

You can enjoy a crush and some attention as long as you realise it's an absolute fantasy - you don't have to follow through on it and it'd probably be a huge disappointment if you did.

'I've been with my DP for 13 years. He's a good person, we make each other laugh but there's always been this feeling we're on different wave lengths.' - sounds like the start of cheaters script.

How does your 'great, kind, loyal and* *hardworking DP feel about your ' inexplicable infatuation, texting, time spent with this older male colleague out of work?

Why not try and put a renewed effort into your relationship with DP rather than wasting years infatuated with another?

Or face the fact, you don't love or respect your DP, behaving as you do and end the relationship first, then take your chance with Mr. Infatuation or another?

Honestly, you’d find that most probably if you and this man were to date, he wouldn’t be everything he is in your wildest dreams. It harmless to have a crush, but an infatuation? I hope it isn’t taking over your life, that you aren’t spending everyday hoping to bump into him at work or looking at your phone hoping to see a text. If you want to see an end to it, maybe you should try and see him as little as possible and not meet him at all outside of work.

I think it’s normal to have passing attractions to others but this doesn’t sound okay. 4 years is a long time to be caught in a crush, especially since you seem to be nurturing it and expending on this man feelings and energy which should be focussed on your partner. It sounds like you and your partner might not be compatible for a lifetime relationship. Did you and your partner get together very young? Have you considered what life would be like without him?

You've been round his house and don't know if he's single?

Thanks everyone. A couple of years ago, it got so difficult to stop thinking about him that I owned up to my DP about everything. He was obviously suspicious when I said there was no physical cheating but I told him all about the texting and I always told him if I was going over to his house.

Lockdown came around shortly after and this really helped. Flash forward to now and it's definitely not intense but the day I saw him after a few months of us not bumping into each other, I crumbled and all those feelings came back. Now it's been a few days and the feelings fade. If he texts me however, I imagine I'll get a bit giddy.

I have this unreasonable desire to just see 'what if?' i even think due to my confidence issues if I heard him say he had or once had feelings for me I'd be able to put it to bed. I actually think we'd probably not even work out in a serious way.

As intense*

Could you afford to have some therapy? You need, I think, to explore at depth how reality disappoints you and you avoid coming to terms with real life by fantasising. I hasten to say, it's not unusual, but it can massively sabotage you loving and valuing your life as it is OP.