Boyfriend with mental health issues

[froggers1]

So, I met a guy on a dating app just before Christmas who is thoughtful, we have great sex, he is kind, considerate etc. But he has been really tired most of the time I’ve known him. He said he had had Long Covid so I put it down to that. And I’ve tried to support him with that. However, yesterday he was meant to come over to chat with me. I thought he was going to end things. We have had a little bit of on/ off mostly instigated by me. Just not been 100% sure.

Yesterday he didnt come over and said he had only just woken up at 3pm. Then wouldn’t pick up the phone etc. So, I drove over to find him asleep. And then he showed me a letter from February from Mental Health to say he had depression and complex trauma. The letter made for hard reading.

So, I’m not sure what to do. I’m only 18 mths separated and have two young teens. I feel I can’t walk away but I don’t want this level of intensity/ neediness😩

How do I deal with this? He has no family and is recently moved to the area so no local friends bar two next door neighbours who don’t know a thing.

You're not responsible for fixing him. And whatever he does after the end of the relationship is not your problem or responsibility, either. Women aren't rehab centres for men. I'd cut ties and find someone you can have a mutual relationship with, as equals.

You can walk away and you need to.

Please don’t go there. He needs professional support and as per another post women are not fixers or nannies for men’s issues.
You will end up exhausted and tying yourself in knots over his issues and can end up depressed yourself if not very careful.

So he has no family and only recently moved to the area and has no friends. What part of that makes his mental health your responsibility?

Please don't do this. If he has suffered past trauma and is depressed, then he needs to work on that, and not be in a new relationship.

Get rid.

You're not responsible for his happiness- only he can make himself happy. Being in a relationship with a depressed person is draining and soul destroying at times, especially if you are on an even keel most of the time. I know this from personal experience

2 good sayings I have learnt on MN,,

Not your monkeys not your Circus.

Women are not rehab centres for damaged men.

I think the sensible thing to do would be ending the relationship.

He’s too poorly to build a solid romantic relationship right now, and he has chosen to move away from supportive people he already knew. You didn’t sign up for this and have no moral responsibility to stick by him through thick and thin.

It’s good that he has told you now, rather than continue hiding the truth. It would be very rational to respond with “I’ve got a lot of responsibilities and I’m not in a place to support you through this”. You have no obligation to stay with him, and your children need you. Don’t waste your energies on someone you’re not committed to.

I was with someone like this years ago and the entire time throughout our relationship I felt like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I kept trying to fix him, to make things better, plan things, holidays & days out. It never worked. It was so sad.

I ended up being a completely different person and had to seek therapy myself. Ending things was the hardest but best decision I have ever made in my entire life. I was loosing friends, my job was affected as a result and I was headed towards a dark place.

Most of the time people with mental health issues need to be alone to truly fix themselves.

If you have children, I would definitely end things, gently.

So sorry x

You can walk away. Your teens come first. It's ok to tell him that he deserves someone who has the capacity to support him and that just isn't you right now.
It's sad and it's nobody's fault. But honestly my advice is to walk away. Your ex is your ex for a reason - you ought to be revelling in the freedom you have now not tying yourself to something incredibly complex.
It's ok to be selfish about you and your kids quality of life

Also this, yes

Thanks everyone. A resounding consensus. My friends today have said you’ll have to be supportive for a while but edge away. I think that will be hard so I need to cut ties I think

How do I deal with this?

You don’t. He’s not your problem. Good sex is not a good enough reason to tie you and your children to this potential shitshow of misery. So don’t. Only he can get himself better.

@Astromelia nails it.

its not your problem, and the kindest way of putting it is that you just aren’t the one for him.

but mainly, you aren’t here to be a free therapist to someone who absolutely should not be entering a relationship (and I say that as someone with poor mental health myself)

Tell him he needs to concentrate on himself right now and you don't think he's in the right place for a relationship. You don't own him a relationship but i don't think a little compassion would go amiss.

Don't deal with it, end it. Feeling like you can't, is a good reason to do just that. You don't need to invite this into your life or the lives of your children.