WIBU to pull back from this friendship?

[SummerDuck]

So I have a friend from school I would consider close. Neither of us live in our hometown but aren’t far away- I am in a larger city around 45 minutes away and she’s in a town about an hour from me.

Basically I just can’t work out whether she views the friendship in the same way as me as I get so many mixed messages. We see each other mostly back in our hometown at events arranged by our mutual friend group.

She is constantly saying when I see her that we must meet up and how I must come to visit her, but these suggestions are always in the abstract and there are never any firm arrangements. She is very friendly at these events and acts like a close friend would if that makes sense.

On the rare occasions we do see each other, these meet ups are nearly always instigated by me. I was just thinking about messaging her to suggest something (as discussed when we met in a group about 6 weeks ago) but I am having second thoughts as I just don’t know if she is really interested in the friendship as much as I am. Tbh if I didn’t initiate contact, I’m not sure I would see her again this year!

WIBU to pull back a bit from the friendship and wait for her to contact me?

Yes I would. Reciprocation is very important in friendships. Wait to see if she instigates. Lots of people are friendly in the moment and talk about doing this or that but it doesn't actually happen.

Same Dacquoise find people dont commit now its flakey!

And you don't want to end up in the organiser/instigator/chaser role. It's soul destroying!!

No you can come across as desperate! I was to meet a school mam she suggested some venues. Great. Then silence. Talk about mixed vibes! Got chatting on our school facebook page. I give up.

I would say it depends on how much you want to meet.
If you want to meet her then suggest sone times/places.
Sone people enjoy meeting up but just can’t get organised. Others are far more decisive and organised.

Mumsnet seems to think that this always means people don’t value the friendship and you should stop meeting up.

But in real life I think there are people who make things happen and there are people who for things to happen, and it’s largely this rather than they don’t value the friendship.

It depends if you mind being in the organiser role. I’ll do that with reliable friends but one woman was enthusiastic then often cancelled, so I gave up.

Yes I find if you say x date otherwise doesnt happen. I text my friend last week said I leave it up to her .. as feel Im always the one doing it. Anyway got a text back with dates.!!

I’d just assume she wasn’t good at organising or not brave in that way. Not a deal breaker for me.

Apologies if I've misunderstood, but when did you last meet up that wasn't meeting up via a mutual friend and was actually a planned meet up with just the 2 of you? Who organised it? What are YOU getting out of the relationship?

Depending on the above, I'd organise 1, final meet up- maybe in your city, or even a luncheon at your house, and see if she makes the effort. Then you know for sure.

Have you ever suggested something concrete, or do you also do the whole 'yes we really must meet up' thing?

I would make a concrete suggestion and if she can't do it or bails out, then say 'ok well.it would be lovely to see you so let me know something that works for you, looking forward to it'

The Op has already initiated a few meet ups. It's getting into chasing territory now.

No dont chase it looks needy behaviour. I dont know think some people are lazy leave it to someone else to plan things... thats my experience of it

Not necessarily. It’s just not the way of some people to initiate meet ups with friends, it doesn’t mean they don’t care or don’t care as much as their friend does, for some of the reasons highlighted by some PP’s. A friend of mine doesn’t initiate meeting up because she’s shy and lacks confidence, another friend who I’m closer to is very inexperienced with friendships so it’s me who initiates most of the time. With both friends I get a lot back from them, so I do agree that a friendship should be reciprocal but in ways that are meaningful for the people involved.

How long have you known each other? I know you were at school but how long ?
Anyway I am in exactly the same position as you, although I have known my friend 40 years. The advice I have been given which sounds sensible is to speak to her and ask how I fit into her life as things seem to have changed between us and I value our friendship. It's neutral and isn't finger pointing. I haven't tried it yet but it sounds a good idea.

I dont know paranoid you just feel it gets all one sided then. Friendship should be two way efforts.

@CC4712

We last met up one on one in January for lunch, which was initiated by me. Again, she was going on about how she must invite me to visit her and we must go for dinner etc etc. I left it to her to suggest something but that wasn’t forthcoming.

We then met in mid June at something organised by a mutual friend. Again she was full of chat about arranging something but she hasn’t messaged me since.

You update changes things OP.

So in 7mths- she has not bothered to contact you or arrange a meet up- despite seeing you again last month and going on about organising a meet up. I would leave it as is. You have made the effort and it hasn't been reciprocated.

I'm sure she will be just as friendly at the next mutual meet up. IF she gets in touch- fine. IF not- then you haven't lost anything.

I had a very close friend and sadly over time, things change and sometimes you just drift apart.