Practicalities of divorce

[HarrogateMum]

Really hope I can get some advice here. DH and I have been on the rocks for years and a year ago I told him I wanted a divorce. We have two 18 year olds and a 16 year old and we waited until their exams were done to tell them. We have applied for the divorce jointly.

However the difficulty is the finances....isn't it always. We own our house with a small mortgage and have a couple of rental properties. He earns and always has earned about 5 times what I do. I was part time for 15 years whilst the kids were growing up and have been full time now for 3 years.

He has said it has to be 50 50 split for everything and doesn't have any understanding of my much lower earning power -he says that I flip flopped through careers and never really wanted a career - which is total rubbish. I worked around the kids. He has a much bigger pension pot.

I can't afford a solicitor as he holds all the purse strings. If I agree to 50 50 am I being foolish? If I did get a solicitor would it be paid after everyhing is settled as I don't have the funds to pay for one now?

I have no clue how the logistics work...if we sell the house and buy one each I can't imagine in a million years that that will happen so easily. I'm terrified and need my hands holding!!

does 50 50 include the pension?

Phone some solicitors and ask how they can take payment. I’m at the end of the divorce process and my solicitor needed payment in full as we went along and didn’t accept payment at the end of the process but my ex has been able to pay his with instalments. Not the same as paying it all at the end but may be some help.

Don’t accept any offer he makes until you have received legal advice especially with pensions involved. There can be a lot of money in pensions (a few hundred thousand easily) and it needs to be included in negotiations.

If 50/50 includes half his pension too (house/rentals/savings) then i guess thats a good deal. You have no dependents now. You can get some free legal advice for a start- local solicitors usually offer 30 mins free no obligation. You just need to write it all down with figures of what they are all worth. Try getting hold of any savings paperwork/pension /his wage etc

In every single case I have known in RL when the man tries ( and succeeds) in dictating the divorce terms, it’s because he ends up paying less than he would be due in a divorce.

In a divorce all assets, capital etc goes into one pot that is then divided according to need. Fifty fifty is a starting point, part of the negotiations will be that your career was put on back burner why you supported your husband and children. You must get legal advice and agree to nothing until you do.

You can't afford not to have a solicitor. Borrow the money if needed. 50:50 is starting point. Don't agree to anything without legal advice. Certainly you should have 50% of his pension as well as 50% of all the equity in all the houses.

I agree that if you get 50% of his pension then 50:50 of rest sounds fair.

Controlling the purse strings is shit, though, no wonder you're divorcing.
I'd be thinking to try these comments on him:
If you stay married, then you get ALL his wealth when he dies.
You're also his next of kin say if he has a terrible accident & can't take care of himself, you'll decide how pretty his carers are.

See how he likes them apples.

So maybe he would like to unfreeze the purse strings so you can talk to a solicitor and move this process along. With financial dependents, a complicated estate, and unequal pensions, the judge would like to see that you both had legal advice before judge approves the split.
Just one chat with a solicitor might be enough for you to be confident to proceed with his suggestion, so what is he afraid of?

Honestly call his bluff.

Why can't you move into one of the rental properties now ?

The rental properties have long standing elderly tenants and I just could not do that to them. Thank you all for your words so far. It's just really really hard not knowing where to turn or what to do. He holds all the cards and he knows it.

Do not take a raw deal because of the tenants. If you both do not want to sell, you can do other things.
For example, he keeps both rentals and you keep the whole of the equity in the main house, also you take more of his pension.
You can be imaginative with how the 50/50 split is done. In fact the district judges that approve financial orders would be in favour of this type of approach if needed.
Get legal.advice.
He certainly does not hold all the cards at all.

Would you be able to buy on your own with 50:50 of everything? It's always the starting point, and considering you now work full time and your youngest is 16 you don't have dependants in the same way as if they were young children. It sounds fair to me!

Sorry let me just change my use of words there. It doesn't sound "fair" in that your earning potential will have been effected by looking after the children whilst his was not. So whilst 50:50 isn't necessarily "fair", it may well be a reasonable outcome from a legal perspective.

You should get a lawyer though. Some will take their fee once the financial assets have been divided.

I hope it all works out for you!

I’m a year out the other end with a 16 and 18yo. Could you first try financial mediation so that you can lay all your finances out and have an idea before you go the court route? In my case, we started off in online mediation and put all our finances on the table (I was part time for many years raising our kids) and he was self employed and earned x 4 my salary). He didn’t agree my initial suggestion of a 65/35 split even when I said I wouldn’t touch his pension. However, it was all on paper and somewhere down the line, a solicitor must have advised him to take the deal (not touching his pension) as he reluctantly agreed. I know I could have walked away better off but I didn’t have the initial finances to go to court nor the staying power to fight him. I spoke to two solicitors and one gave me free 30 mins advice. He will likely threaten you and make you feel like you don’t have any chance (if the 50/50 split he suggested doesn’t include his pension) but the truth is, you do. Even if your kids are 16 and 18 and studying, they are still dependents and need a roof over their heads. My ex tried to fob me off with spousal support but I wanted a clean break. I didn’t want him having claims to any future inheritance. All I wanted was enough of a deposit to put down on a new home. And that is what I got without going the expensive route and peace of mind. Never been happier. Fighting in court isn’t for everyone. Good luck!

You absolutely need a solicitor, and a decent one given the imbalance here.
50/50 is the start point but normally they take things into account such as whether one party took a step back to look after kids etc.
You can obviously negotiate on how the split works eg pension vs house etc. But ultimately there needs to be a point where all the matrimonial assets are pooled and then considered for two parties. You can look at the Legal Queen on Instagram and she answers lots of questions in this arena which will give you some hints.
Good luck but don't just accept what he offers. And if you have already verbally agreed something, don't worry the solicitor will deal with it for you. I basically, for complex reasons, snookered myself but my solicitor was amazing and got a last minute one off payment in the settlement which made all the difference for me.

See a solicitor.

He doesn’t hold all the cards. You will get through this and be a lot happier eventually. Good luck and fuck him

Most solicitors will give a free 1 hour consultation. Get some questions ready and see what they say. You won't be obligated to use them. There is also lots of information on the internet.

You say you have a full time job so you can afford an initial consult with a solicitor. Dont agree to anything until you have had this.