What is the difference between "expressing feelings" and emotional abuse

[Anonymices]

He says he isn't allowed to express his feelings (angry/frustrated/grumpy/annoyed). What would expressing these emotions in a healthy way look like? How does this differ from how an emotionally abusive partner acts? What if they claim not to be doing it to change how you react (even though that doesn't ring true, especially with how they use silent treatment and withdrawal of affection)?

Expressing your feelings sounds like this ' I'm very angry ' 'l feel taken for granted' 'I hate you ' I want to leave ' It's a statement of how you feel.
Emotional abuse sounds more like ' You make me angry' 'You are a fucking nag' 'Everyone hates you ' ' You're lucky I don't leave you '

Everyone has negative emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness etc. I think abusive people weaponise those emotions against you whereas a loving partner doesn’t direct those feelings towards you.

If my DH is angry he doesn’t take it out on me or kids. When my ex was angry then the rest of us had to keep our heads down as best we could to avoid the wrath.

I personally think the difference is how they usually are and the way it makes those around them feel when they are expressing emotion.

Like if my DH went full off off on one, it'd be out of character, so I wouldnt think that was abusive, even if he name called. But that's cos it'd be a one off and hasn't happened in 17 years. I wouldn't be thinking "he's emotionally abusing me" because it's not his usual way of dealing with negative feelings.

If it ever did happen I'd know he was full on stressed and that something else was going on. But we would work to get to the bottom of it cos it'd be so unusual, iyswim.

It would be ok to say “I’m really frustrated and I need some space.” Once calm, come back and maybe talk through etc. silent treatment is designed to punish you. It’s more like ‘you’ve made me feel this way and I’m going to make you regret it’ or ‘I feel bad so I’m going to make you feel bad’.

Well the silent treatment is a form of abuse, it's used to control you as is withdrawal of affection. If he's being abusive in those ways then I'd be fairly confident that the other ways he's expressing his emotions aren't healthy either.

You need to think about what's happening and what levels of 'anger' are appropriate. You not having his tea on the table exactly the time he'd like it - no anger appropriate. You saying you'll make tea because you know he has to meet a client after it and then getting caught up with something else and forgetting - mild annoyance and complaining that you knew he had to meet someone afterwards while running around making something quickly himself is ok. You saying you'll make tea and then the next door neighbour coming round and you ending up in bed with him and your OH finding you - being angry, raised voice and asking you to leave is ok.

What is he so angry/grumpy/frustrated/annoyed about?

How does he deal with expressing those feelings when he's at work, down the pub with his mates, paying for fuel etc?

I'm guessing that he manages to control all those feelings when he is elsewhere, so why does he want to show his anger and moods when he is with you?