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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive DF/Terminal DM (SH trigger warning)

5 replies

beaucorbeau · 16/07/2023 13:05

My 'D'F (late 70s) is an abusive, narcissistic person. He has been awful to all his children, including possible abuse towards a DD (not related to me). Also emotionally abusive to partners. My DM (late 60s) is not like this, but stayed in the marriage out of fear of other's opinions/denial etc. etc. I made peace with this a while back and only visit occasionally in order to protect myself.

DM has stopped treatment for cancer recently.

I've been sent a recording from a visiting relative during which my father tells my mother to commit suicide (giving details about methods including suggesting paracetamol and cutting wrists) or to 'accept his help' in talking to doctors (he has a science PhD so sees himself as better than an oncologist). He repeatedly suggests suicide as he hates seeing her in this position. DM doesn't want more treatment. She also can't speak well anymore, so can't even argue back now.

Is there anything I can or should do about this? I dont have anyone to ask for advice. I'm so sorry for my DM but am used to DF being like this, so it isn't that shocking for me. I'm going to try to visit her soon and will try to have a private conversation, but whenever I've attempted to get her help before she's refused. It's not impossible he'd 'help her' on her way, and while I have sympathy towards assisted suicide sometimes, this is definitely not a relationship where it should occur.

OP posts:
TappingTed · 16/07/2023 13:07

You can report him to social services as she could be classified as a vulnerable adult.

tenbob · 16/07/2023 13:08

Gosh, what a really awful situation, I really feel for you.

I think you ought to have a conversation with her GP and medical team, who can then raise it with Adult SS and/or the police if appropriate

She is quite clearly vulnerable and he is quite clearly abusive and it wont be the first time they will have seen the situation.

Eyesopenwideawake · 16/07/2023 13:12

Agree with others, talk to her GP as soon as you can - if you feel up to it talk to the police but again, do it quickly. Are there any carers or family living nearby you can alert to make sure he's not left alone with her?

beaucorbeau · 16/07/2023 13:42

Thanks all... regarding the GP, how much will they be able to do? I think 'D'F is quite good at saying he 'is just saying it because he cares' and DM will likely not want the drama (at all - she didn't leave him due to the drama). I hate DF so much, the poor woman just wants some peace and quiet ffs.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 16/07/2023 14:12

This is a police matter - he’s trying to coerce her, by the sound of it. If I was you I would take the recording to the police. Your father needs to know that if anything happens the police will suspect him of intervening to end her life.

I am so sorry.

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