Loneliness and regret

[SunflowersandSweetpeas]

I posted on here a little while ago and had my eyes opened that I might be in an abusive relationship. I spoke to women’s aid, and started seeing a counsellor without him knowing and they agreed and helped me to see what is it.

I think that I want to leave him but I’m struggling to take action on it. On a daily basis it doesn’t feel THAT bad and we seem happy. We get along really well.

I’m so scared of being on my own. I can’t remember life before him, I was in my early 20s and having fun, everyone was single and I had friends. We’ve been together 11 years, no DC.

Now, I have no one really. He’s isolated me a lot. I can’t imagine I would make any new friends now. I have two or three people that I would still see sometimes maybe. I’m terrified of the loneliness but I also crave it but I think I must be wrong because I don’t know what it will be like in reality.

What is it like? How lonely will I be? I can’t imagine that I would ever meet anyone else romantically either, I don’t feel like I would want to or trust myself not to get myself into the same or worse situation. Does anyone ever regret leaving a relationship, even if there is abuse?

Hello.

Well, the good news is that, to me, you are looking at takin those first baby steps.

It will be FABULOUS.

Firstly, it doesn't need to be bad on a daily basis for you to know you need to leave. You do know you need to leave right? Have you actually made the decision? Are you planning and preparing?

Secondly, the single life at any new stage of life is different to before. You are not a single 20 something now, you are a single thirty something. You get to define what that looks like.

I am often single, never married. Each single time is different and I always have a whole lot of fun. I can have whomever I like round, whenever I like. I can do exactly what I want to do. I am currently in bed, at 3pm, because I had a hot night out last night.

YOU shape your single life - do you want to decorate, work overtime to pay off debt or save, save for a big solo trip to Kenya or New York, learn Spanish, read all those books, do some of the crafting and cooking you see on Insta - you decide.

It is not scary, it is excellent.

Thank you for such an encouraging message @something2say . I'm planning and prepping at the minute, and trying to find a job and somewhere to live and I'm hoping the momentum will carry me through. I want to want to leave. I must want to leave, even if I can't admit it to myself, because I keep deciding it's not that bad and I'll stay but then feeling the exact same as I do now. I think I want to leave I'm just so scared of it.

There's a cooking course in Italy that I would love to do. It seems a ridiculous, over the top thing to want to do, just for fun, but then I thought - why not? DH says I couldn't do it but is there any actual real reason why I couldn't, even if it took me a few years to save up to do it?

I love the idea of being able to shape my life, I feel like I've been living his way for far too long.

You can definitely shape your life, and it's not hard at all.

As you say, thinking 'no, I'll stay' leaves you feeling flat, so the time seems to have come.

Good luck finding a job, that will be exciting in itself.

And I think you should and definitely could do the cooking course in Italy, why not??? I did a safari in Namibia. By myself.

I am sorry you face the upheaval, but honestly, living independently is by far better than being low grade unhappy and seeing life pass you by. You get one shot, enjoy it. I was a DV advisor for years and have seen so many women flourish ince the dust settles. You can do it!

Do you feel 100% safe with him OP, all the time?

Not 70% safe, or 89% or 97%. It has to be a solid, stable 100%.

If the answer is no, the that the very basic foundation of any relationship at all, including friendship.

Even if you do feel safe, there are plenty of people who can still suck the oxygen out of the room, make others feel stressed, and ruin an atmosphere on a regular basis. You positivity, your light is their fuel, and it's not healthy for someone to stay with someone like that. It'll have an effect on your health eventually. The fact that you've spoken to Women's Aid is quite telling.

You say you're having problems leaving. It's scary, I understand. The fear of the unknown, of being lonely, or letting go of that steady presence in your life. You just need to ask yourself, do you want to live a life of honesty, integrity, where you make space of positive changes and a relationship based on genuine, healthy connection, or are you willing to remain in your stifling cage? Are you ok with carrying the load of being unhappy on your shoulders for the rest of your life?

No @EarthSight i don’t sadly. I do sometimes but like today, he’s been in a bit of a grumpy mood, and I’ve been so on edge. Last night I got out of bed to go the loo and he said something lewd and tried to grab me and I was scared. So no, I don’t feel 100% safe with him.

Would you go into business with someone you didn't feel safe with? Share you finances with them? Probably not.

Think about that, because you are currently sharing the most intimate, vulnerable space one can share with someone you don't feel safe with.

You've got to this point where you've begun to feel used it I think. It's an unhealthy, dangerous emotional state to be in. You may not feel it now, but it will likely take its toll on your health eventually. Think digestion issues, skin problems, migraines, fatigue, sleep issues.

I think what you have to accept is that before you can improve your life, you have to be willing to face hardship at first. You have to go through that tunnel to get the other side, and I think you're scared of that. Scared of how awful it'll be, but there's a good chance you're more resilient than you think.

My story is long, but for me, I left when I realised my feelings would never change. They were here to stay, I had permanently lost trust in him, and I didn't want to continue in a lie. I wanted to live in a beautiful environment with a nice atmosphere, and open my life to the possibility of something better.