I’m so jealous of others success it’s driving me mad, what do I do?

[Lovel2]

Bit of a back story. I got into an abusive relationship when I was about 24 for over 10 years. I’m now 40 and have been with my current partner for 3 years. We are happy. My health is not so great though which gets me down. I developed some stress related issues since leaving my relationship.

The only thing is I find myself being so jealous of people around me who are happy. Yesterday it got to a point I had to delete my social media account. My sister in-law and partner have just moved into a really nice large house, they’ve posted pics all over social media and have many replies about how they “deserve it”. In my head I think how can they deserve it, their life has been plain sailing, no struggle. She doesn’t work and hasn’t for 10 years. I deserve it, my life has been hard. All through my childhood and adulthood full of abuse, I’ve had to fight hard for what I have. No one has ever told me I deserve anything or told me how well I’ve fought etc etc.

Im horrible aren’t I, I sound like a child but I can’t stop these feelings. I don’t want to visit their new home which is awful of me. What is wrong with me that I’m jealous of all the good things in others life’s and wish them to experience what I’ve had to. I just want to lock myself away. If I could work to earn the money to progress I would but I can’t due to my poor health now.

SM is a curse. More people need to learn to appreciate what they do have, rather than hanker over what they haven’t got.
I got myself in a tizzy over holidays, I keep seeing people’s amazing holidays on FB and TikTok so I decided to book one. But then I got anxious over going away, so I didn’t go, I went on days out and had coffee’s instead. And do you know what, I enjoyed myself, having a relaxing time, rather than stressing over arranging everything for a holiday.

I get what you are saying op and have been there, sometimes I still am.
But everyone has ups and downs and who knows what the future holds for any of us? And who knows what goes on behind closed doors and whether the "happy life" people post about on social media really is? At one point people might have looked at my life as something to be jealous of but the truth was, if you lifted the curtain, it was pretty miserable behind the scenes.
All that aside though, the only way to cope with this is to be grateful for the good things you do have - e.g. your happy relationship.
And coming off social media, which I did, is incredibly freeing too. If you stay on it, always remember that people only ever post the best bits and often even those are completely exaggerated.

I know it’s exaggerated, I’m guilty of it myself in the past. I’m just so envious of those who didn’t waste such a large chunk of time like I did on someone so awful to them. Im tired of all the memories and having to fight them everyday. I have what looks on the outside to others as a lot but I can’t see it at the moment. I like the attention it gets others. I don’t get attention yet Ive been through so much and really crave it. I’m an invisible person.

I know it's always trotted out but have you had any counselling? It might be worth having some to work through your feelings about your past so that you can come to terms with it.
You have obviously had a really hard time but it would be sad if that were to affect your future too, especially now you have found a caring partner who makes you happy.

No point having regrets, it will eat up the rest of your life and you will be miserable.
It was a life you lived, and you’ve learned from it. If you had kids from that relationship, then it wasn’t a waste.
Honestly, let it go. You don’t want to be sitting on a cloud wishing you’d spent the rest of your life being happy, when you spent it bitter and regretful. 💐

@DustyLee123 I wish so much I could just stop feeling like this. It’s like I have a gaping big hole in the middle of me. I’m tired and I wish I could feel that feeling when people are proud of you. No one is proud of me, I’ve messed up a lot.

I married my childhood sweetheart, I then suffered a lot of violence at his hands as soon as we married, started on honeymoon. He used to hold me down and threaten to kill me, kicked me in the head, broke bones in his own hand from beating me. I left after 10 years. It was an awful time. I then did voluntary work with a DV charity and threw myself in to fundraising, also had therapy.

I have now been in a lovely marriage for close to 25 years. What you have to think is many women never find a great relationship. I’m also very aware that I did not have the worst life. If I have ever feel sorry for myself I deliberately watch films or documentaries to remind myself I did not have the worst life on earth at all. I didn’t know her well but one of the Mums of the lads in my sons football team was murdered by her husband. I always think that really could have been me and thank my lucky stars it wasn’t and I was given another chance at life. I used to dream my ex was after me.

Plus the SM stuff. Well we lived in a rather amazing apartment in an exclusive road and both had very good jobs. I used to fly off to America to visit my brother quite often, he wouldn’t come as scared of flying. This is 35 years ago so no SM to post pics on but to the outside we had a very good life. We were earning a lot of money for our ages.

Our history will always follow us around like an awful shadow in a ghost story, just out of sight enough but if you turn round quickly it’s still there. I accept that part of my life, I wish I didn’t have to to but I had to. In accepting it we can shine a light on that shadow, it’s still there but it doesn’t have a hold on us anymore.

Please seek therapy, have a woman therapist and I wish you all the best.

You have had a hard time, @Lovel2 , and you deserved better, not because of anything you did, but because you are a human being with a right to be cared for and respected. Somehow, due to other people’s flaws, you haven’t had that, and had to make your own way. You’ve done that for a long time, but it hasn’t been recognised. So, you need to step up your self care. Talk gently to your wounded inner child, and forgive yourself for any errors you made. Be kind to yourself. Find ways of rewarding yourself with small treats. Notice the good things you do, and have. And when the memories come, remind yourself how strong and powerful you have been in protecting yourself. When you realise that you can be proud of yourself, others will begin to do so too.

Much easier to say than do, but you need to a) understand that other people’s success does not diminish what you have/have achieved, and that less visible success is not less meaningful; b) acknowledge to yourself that you feel jealous and envious, rather than trying to hide and ignore these feelings - these feelings are not immoral, they don’t make you a bad person, they are real and human, but they will make you unhappy in the long term; and c) learn to do the “feeling proud” for yourself and not rely on others for this - this means learning to love and respect yourself and it’s fucking difficult for some of us even without years of abuse.

If you can’t afford counselling, then set aside time for yourself to feel and think without judgement. And ditch the poison of social media.

good luck!

Try to co-opt this feeling and use it as motivation rather than trying to escape it.

It's probably a healthy signal from your body trying to tell you it's time to get out of your comfort zone.

I’ve been on maternity leave and it’s been the window to the world with a non sleeping baby. It’s become obsessive so I’ve deleted it yesterday. I need to stay off it I really do, it’s having such a negative impact on me lately.

@DuringDuran I wish I could use it. I’d love to earn more money and have nicer things but my life has made me chronically unwell.

use it as inspiration to achieve - get new qualifications, get into a new career, or get further into your current career.

But you say you have a happy home, a happy relationship and a new baby? So what is it you are jealous of, exactly?

@orangeleavesinautumn I don’t really know, I wish I could put my finger on it. I think perhaps because my life has made me ill, I can’t work my way out of it and feel going forwards I’m still just surviving. Perhaps because sometimes I wish someone was proud of me and told me like I see others have. I don’t really know.

I see the pictures on the internet of their lovely big home and all the people saying how they deserve it etc. I did my house up on my own, with what I could afford. Nobody was with me, no one helped, it wasn’t a you deserve it. It’s all been alone and unnoticed and a struggle.

I will go to their house and smile and look happy and take flowers and feel totally invisible as I always have.

I had a hard time during mat leave, no ppd or anything but something about the monotony made me feel unmotivated and useless and lonely. It wasn't good for my mental health at all.

I would encourage you to try to put some time aside to do something you love. Even 20 minutes a day. I used my time to do online learning, art, a new craft, a bit of matched betting and paid surveys. Doing something with my brain was a revelation and I suddenly had more energy, more pride in myself etc.

Isn't that more of an achievement than say meeting a guy with money and paying someone to do the house up?

@RachelTopliss I don’t know, it’s been such a stress and a struggle and it’s taken it’s toll on me. They have it so easy. She never worked her entire life, was pregnant very young. Now they have everything they dreamed of, he has made it happen for her. I on the other hand an ill and tired and just fed up with the world really for making it so bloody difficult.

I can’t find it in myself to be happy for them. I think that makes me look bad. My partners parents made then plant pots for the garden and ordered flowers etc. I’ve never had anything. They didn’t help with anything when my dp moved into my house. Didn’t visit for weeks and weeks. I’m sick of being invisible.

I’m struggling currently and people know but no one has done or said anything. I’m literally invisible.

but you say you are on maternity leave - that is a tiring time! And you have a new baby! you are very lucky in that.

I dont think you are horrible at all! You have had a hard time with your first marriage ,but are now happy with your DH and new baby.I think we all look at other people and think "they had it easy". However its never as good as it seems .Yes they have a bigger house ,but as someone used to say "just somewhere to go when theres no where else!" Also she had her DC young and never worked .Is that really a good thing though? She has missed out on work life and making friends .Also money isnt everything .She probably feels a mite envious of your new babe ! If you compare to EE (Everyone Else!) you risk missing the good bits of your own life .

You probably seem incredibly strong and capable to the outside world. For all you know, your sister in law may envy you your strength and independence. We all end up envying things about other people.
Maybe she is bored not having a job, or lacks the confidence to get one and compensates with posting pictures of her 'lovely house' on social media. She may well be in awe of you.
From what you say, you have an awful lot to be proud of. You did up your house on your own, you have survived difficult circumstances in your life but you haven't let it break you. I am sorry you are now in poor health but you definitely have a lot to feel proud of yourself for.
Have your told your partner how you feel? Does he help to make you feel loved and supported?