freaked out by possibility of other people being sexually attracted to me - normal?? why??

[wonderingifthisisnormal]

this has been going on well since puberty really and I am wondering if anyone else feels the same way or whether I am totally wierd! feel the need to offload and hope this is the place to do so...

when I was growing up I was terrified of boys once I got to the age of being sexually aware, went to an all-girls school and had no social life apart from girl friends coming over to tea and vice versa. have 2 brothers and brought up by mum after dad left when I was about 10. was terrified of being noticed and used to cover up with coats and jumpers even on hot days.

was totally overwhelmed by uni but quickly found a boyfriend and had normal relationship, but continued to feel uncomfortable around other men.

became a christian at age of 19 and for first time felt comfortable around christian men as felt secure they would not come onto me and would resist thinking of me in a sexual way.

left the church just over 10 years later after some major life events that I could not get my head round (not sexual) and lost my faith . was thrown once more into the non-christian world but now married and at home full-time with kids I could just hang out with other mums and avoid men.

watched Dawn turns Lesbian documentary a few days ago and completely freaked me out the idea that womens sexuality was fluid and women could fancy other women as this made me feel very uncomfortable around the other mums again. the very idea that they could be sexually attracted to me completely freaked me out.

as fas as I know I have never been abused and had a distant but loving relationship with my father (now deceased).

struggle with my sex life with dh, enjoy the physical feeling but find it repugnant, know he would love regular bjs but find it disgusting and makes me want to be sick. feel very negative towards my own bits and pieces. see sex/desire as bad.

I know the later is quite common but surely not common to get fixated on whether men/women fancy me or not, I am not that attractive, and lack of confidence meant dh was my 1st and only boyfriend. writing this makes me think I sound like a right nutcase.

can anyone shed any light??

thanks for listening

I would suggest some counselling, a good counsellor that you can trust would be able to talk through this fear with you and make it easier for you to deal with.

For you to feel sex is dirty and something to feel guilty for there is almost certainly something in your past which started this off (could be as simple as a class mate saying something to you at school). I think the only way you will get to the root of this issue is to talk about it. Hope this helps!

Counselling sounds like a good idea.

I wonder what sort of attitude your parents had towards sex, did they give you the idea it was dirty or repugnant?

I don't think your attitude is that unusual, and it certainly doesn't make you a 'nutcase' or anything like it! But it sounds like your emotions and beliefs about sex are making your life less pleasant than it could be ...