Trauma Bonds - please help me break them

[popcornfrenzy]

Hi MN - currently in an abusive relationship which I have tried to leave 3/4 times. Each time he's lured me back in and I'm desperate to leave. He threatens suicide every time and uses that to worm his way back in.

I'm so unhappy and just found out he's been cheating for the best part of a year. OW has sent screen shots of him planning sex/days out.

Help me please...I'm at my wits end

Please leave. Sorry to sound harsh but if he commits suicide that's his problem, not yours.

He. Will. Not. Kill. Himself.

He is playing you for a fool and you're allowing it. Stop being your own worst enemy and put an end to this. Block him on eveyand never look back. The idiot OW can have him.

He's blocked on every means but I'm struggling - it's taken every ounce of strength to boot him out

Sorry should say - it's taking every ounce to work up to booting him out. Why didn't he just let me go when he started cheating? What a crock

Contact the OW and say "Good News!"
Seems like you could utilize the existence of an OW to help extract you from this situation.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation with an abusive partner. I want you to know that you're not alone, and there are people who understand what you're going through.
I can relate to your experience because I was once in a similar situation with an abusive partner. Like you, I kept going back despite the harm it was causing me. However, I eventually asked myself a crucial question: "Do I want to be in this same situation 10 years from now?" Visualising myself in the future, even more worn down and depressed, made me realise that I needed to break free.
In my case, my abusive partner would also use tactics like threatening suicide to manipulate me. But I came to understand that his mental health and decisions were ultimately his own responsibility, not mine. It's important to remember that if someone is suicidal, they need professional help, and it's not your burden to carry.

Putting yourself first and prioritising your well-being is crucial. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and staying would only allow the abuser to continue ruining your life.

Please consider reaching out to a counsellor, or a local support group. They can provide you with the guidance, resources, and tools necessary to break free from this trauma bond and build a healthier, happier future for yourself.
Remember, you are worthy of love, respect, and a life free from abuse. Stay strong and believe in your own strength

Thank you for your replies - I've told OW he's all hers and please take him off my hands. I did say he has fuck all to his name and nothing to offer but she sees to think he's a prize! Yes, a prize prick.

I'm going to find some sort of CBT on Monday and try my best to go on with me life. Rebuild and move forwards but it hurts so much as I've gone back so many times and nothing has changed. I've realised it's me that has to change not him

Threats of suicide are really, really common from these abusive men. It's just another means of trying to control you. So take that out of the equation .
If you take him back you're telling him that he can treat you as horribly as he likes and there will be zero consequences. Try to think about that and how soul destroying that would be.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I was in an abusive relationship which he ended last year. You're going to feel a lot of emotions over the next few weeks as you slowly detox from him, just feel them, let it all go, it will be hard at times but these feelings are temporary & will pass. You will come out of it so much stronger

Can you go no contact? It will help so much, I would recommend it to get him out of your life

You can do this

Are you renting? The first step is actually ensuring he is not in the same property as you. You need complete separation from him, plus blocking him on all channels of communication.

once you've achieved that, things can improve immeasurably. While he is physically in your life, it's nigh on impossible to get shot of the waste of space. Plus it gives him the biggest FO message, stay out of my life forever!

Yep, renting but the tenancy is in my name only. He's an absolute cock lodger so he'll probably move straight in with OW and then she's bagged her trophy.

She can now clean the toilet when he makes skids as he does all the time.

4 bastard years of my life I've wasted on that good for fuck all prick. I'm starting to find my anger

Anger can be very motivating.
Anger can override fear.
Anger can lead to action and a sense of agency.

(I read this somewhere.)