I’m not sure if this is a question or just a vent, but here goes. This post is about my friendship with two people, A and B.
I met A when I was 6 years old and we became best friends. We both met B when we were 13 and formed a close friendship trio type of thing, although I always remained closer to A – she was always my “best” friend. I’d go on holiday with her and her parents, and vice versa. We would spend a lot of time together as a 3, and I would often see A alone but rarely spent time with B alone.
We all stayed relatively local for uni although they both went to the same uni and I went to a different one. First and second year of uni we hung out often, but at the end of second year I started dating my now ex partner. My ex was very controlling and was older than me so he didn’t like me going to uni events and the like, would fall out with me if I went out with A+B, etc. I was young and stupid and blinded by “love” so acquiesced his demands and gradually spent less time with my friends and most of my time with him. I’d take ages to reply to them, be “busy” when they wanted to meet, would turn down going to events with them etc. This carried on throughout uni and by the time we graduated I’d only really see them once every 4 months or so.
I moved in with my ex right out of uni and saw A+B even less often, maybe once every 6 months. It was during this time that I attended A’s birthday party where she made a speech referring to B as her "best friend" and talked about all of the memories they’d shared during uni etc, and I honestly remember feeling genuinely heartbroken in that moment. The "best friend" thing hit me like a gut punch. I felt absolutely sick at the fact that we’d drifted so far apart and it was all because of my actions. Instead of trying to make it better, I convinced myself that A probably didn’t really care much about me any more and that the pair of them only invited me to things out of pity, so I pushed them further away. This all continued for about 4 more years, during which time A+B have been away on holiday together, taken up new hobbies together and generally just spent a load of time together without me. They would occasionally invite me to things, and I would usually go with them at that point because of how infrequent the invites were (especially toward the end of my relationship) but it was very clear that the dynamic had changed and I had become a relative outsider to their close friendship.
I’m now 25 and recently ended things with my ex and moved into a flat on my own. Toward the end of the relationship I started spending more time with A+B again, although things still aren’t really the same as they were before I met my ex. Whilst I enjoy seeing them both, I find myself longing for the close relationship I used to have with A – we were practically inseparable for the best past of 14 years, would speak on the phone all the time, knew everything that was going on in each other’s lives. She was the first person I’d call whenever I had news and vice versa. Recently I met her for a coffee where we reminisced over old memories and I literally cried the entire journey home, feeling so guilty and sad that I destroyed the close bond we had.
I should add that both A and I are from immigrant backgrounds, specifically from cultures where talking about feelings isn’t something that is done at all. It’s something I have struggled with my entire life. I know that some of you may suggest that A+B potentially recognise that I was isolated during my relationship with my ex, but the thing is, when I was with him that wasn’t the image I portrayed at all. I would spend a lot of time with him and his friends and family, and would post about it on social media etc. So I assume that A+B thought I was happy with my “new” friends and bothered with them less as a result, although that wasn’t the case at all – I didn’t particularly enjoy hanging out with my ex’s friends and I wasn’t particularly close to any of them.
Anyway, the point of my post is that B has recently announced that she has accepted a permanent job around 300 miles away and will be moving next month. This might make me sound like a terrible person and I’m willing to get flamed, but a part of me felt selfishly pleased about it. In my head it was a perfect opportunity to become closer to A again without B being there all the time. I suppose that is still my intention, but I obviously don’t want to actively weaken their friendship.
My question is basically how do I navigate this with A without coming across as insincere, or overbearing, or both. I feel that if I randomly start inviting her to a bunch of things then she might find it strange or suspicious. Her birthday is coming up, and we will probably end up going out for drinks. I have considered the option of writing her a letter basically explaining what I’ve said in this post, that I am sorry for being responsible for us drifting apart, and it wasn’t because I stopped wanting to be her friend, but that I lost sight of the friendship due to my toxic relationship… and that I love her very much and cherish our memories and hope that we can become as close as we once were. And giving this letter to her on her birthday when I know we’ll be drinking so it’ll be less awkward. Is that an absolutely terrible idea?
Anyway, if you have bothered to read all of my waffle then thank you. I’ll happily accept anything – advice, sharing of similar experiences, or even just straight up telling me I need to seek professional help! Anything will do, it just feels nice to get this off my chest.