5 year itch or are we now on our way out

[IWantOutDoI]

I already know I am an idiot, if someone can give me some reassurance I would be most grateful.

We both have previously being married and have children from our previous relationships. We have been together for 5 years and spend a lot of time with each other but for the sake of our children we have not merged finances and have kept our own houses but he is practically here every night when he doesn’t have his children with him.

In the past he was very generous with his time and actions. He supported me very much through a cancer scare and a nervous breakdown. When I was unwell he was the one cooking and driving my child to school, he is always there for his children too.

The problem is… he lost his job soon after we got together after a lot of bullying at work so, decided to take a time off to recover using money he had inherited. That break lasted 3 years.

I preferred, initially, for him not to contribute to the bills of my house as he was unemployed but helping a lot and honestly, after fighting for years for my home after divorce, I didn’t want to accept any money that would give him a claim over my house.

The problem is, my son went to uni a year ago and, from a useful helper he became the moody guy who vaped and played candy crush all day in my kitchen while I was working long hours. I finally gave him an ultimatum to find a job, any job or we were done. He got a job but… stopped helping completely in the house.

As he is not earning as much as he did with his previous job, he has become very tight, it is rare for us to go out these days, he is always in an awful mood and I have decided I simply do not enjoy having him around that much… sex has disappeared (main reason why he is moody) but then, how do I feel attracted if he behaves like another teen around the house???

I am resenting A LOT having him around, and exhausted with the mental load. It costs me to have him around, he uses more gas and electricity than me, he damages stuff without noticing, he very rarely contributes with groceries and if he does, it is just the extra cheap quality. He snores a lot at night but is unwilling to try a solution, I have found myself considering moving to the visit bedroom as I am struggling with sleep deprivation but then… it is my bloody house, isn’t it?

At some point I was about to be made redundant, I mentioned that we could rent my house and I could move with him and, despite not contributing a penny for 3 years to the expenses of my house, he immediately set up how about splitting costs and expenses at his house equally.

I ended up getting a lodger to deal with that financial crisis, it has gone so well that now that I got a new job, I am again making more money than him, so he has grown more tight and resentful. He doesn’t help much but brings more work to me, I didn’t realise how much he contributed to the mess until now that I am trying to keep things tidy for the lodger.

I could go on for pages, what the fuck am I doing? How did I let the things slide to this? Why I am putting up with this? Admittedly I am almost 60 and although I am not scared of being single I am scared of finding myself again in OLD, which I would join not because I need a man but because I need someone who is available regularly as everyone else is busy with family stuff most of the time and I don’t have any family apart of my son and he lives away.

If you can provide a bit of reassurance, I would be more grateful.

Oh jeez, just get rid already. I don't have much to say beyond that. Do it tonight or first thing tomorrow. It ran its course a long time ago.

You could try having a proper chat with him, explaining the issues and what you need to change.

Beyond that, if he's not willing to pull his weight, ask him to leave.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, you could try OLD or local hobby/walking groups.

You should have got rid of him years ago, this is not a 5yr itch. Dump him and get some friends.

This isn’t a 5 year itch- the man is useless

He's been trying to show you how true colours these past years but you've chosen to ignore them. You have now woken up to the reality, time to say goodbye.

I have plenty of friends, but friends are not not available for coffees or walks every single weekend or for a catch up call at the end of the day. That’s why I want a partner.

I know he is not really a partner these days, I know this has run its course and I really do no longer have the energy or conviction to fix things. I think he is the same place, he tries sometimes and then reverts… sometimes I feel he is just staying because I save him an hour of commuting to work.

The big question for me, I guess, is about having the strength to put myself out to find another person at my age.

Oh dear. This sounds a bit like my ex. The lack of drive is so unattractive. And the vaping and playing games all day- just like a teenager!!! Turns us into nagging mum mode. It's so hard to respect someone who doesn't seem to respect themselves. Even if someone is in a position to not work I'd expect them to be keeping busy Doing something productive like gardening or learning a language or studying or going to the gym volunteering, this guy is a waste man and you have so much more going on for you than him.
Don't cling onto the last to justify staying with the reality you have now.

If you lose him this won't be a big loss because I promise you there are a lot more useless men out there that would be happy to live with you rent free not work and play games all day if that's what you're into. I don't think you are though!
At the moment I would be thinking of it as useless man being around bringing me down va freedom of single life rather than useless man vs what the new man prospects might be like.

Ps my ex that was like this left me pretty soon after he got a decent job (while I was pregnant) so there is no guarantee that even if he does change you'll reap the benefits of it

Get rid of this one. But don't make the mistake of thinking you need to replace him with another partner.
At this age, they're all much of a muchness and I'm 10 years (or so) younger than you. OLD is the pits and most men have let themselves go terribly.
You'll honestly get more fulfillment and support from expanding your friendship group.

If you lose him this won't be a big loss because I promise you there are a lot more useless men out there that would be happy to live with you rent free not work and play games all day if that's what you're into. I don't think you are though!

That certainly puts things into perspective!

Having said that, he is very cultured and we used to have these long deep conversations about everything…. That’s something that I will miss, it is remarkably difficult finding someone with that ability… but jeez…

@Tangerinedreams3 Agree that OLD is the pits but after 45! Oh dear… I am not looking forward to it.

I am very social and the point of increasing my circle of friends is a very valid one. The trick is increasing it with people who have some periodical availability, most of my friends are only available once or twice a month, which I assume is pretty normal when you have a husband, children, inlaws and even grandchildren…

Packing his stuff is starting today… keep me strong!

Well done OP

Good for you. The road ahead isn't guaranteed to be smooth sailing. You'll have some down days and lonely days but it will still be a whole lot better than having that dead beat in your house. Stay strong, chin up and trust your gut.

Well done OP. Get rid. He's rubbish and it is better to be on youre on your own and having fun with friends than having a dull and depressing boyfriend. But don't do it because you want to find another one. I'm living very well without one and wouldn't go back to OLD if you paid me. And I wouldn't swap with you for all the tea in China.